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Total War

America can go to war without ever dropping a single bomb. First, research the target country’s favorite delicacies. Hire masterful gourmet chefs to prepare the dishes perfectly. Fly over the country and, with parachutes, drop tons of the delicacies upon the inhabitants. To have complete success, we might have to make several attempts, as at first the loads of gifts from the Great Satan might be piled up and set afire. Drop so many foodstuffs for so long that the people quit farming. This process might take years. Slowly begin to drop American junk food like Hershey’s chocolate bars, Coca-Cola, Hostess Twinkies, Pop Tarts, potato chips, Hot Pockets and TV dinners by the megaton. Also, bombard them with alcoholic beverages — cases of Bud Lite, Jack Daniel’s and Southern Comfort. Don’t forget the cartons of Marlboros and Camels.

Start parachuting consumer products such as Walkmans, video and DVD players, Game Boys, laptops, microwaves, electric toothbrushes, blenders, toasters, Levi’s and Barbie dolls. Have Hollywood movies, especially action films, dubbed into the local language and dialect. Send in specially produced fashion magazines and exercise machines so the inhabitants see their own bodies as hopelessly inadequate.

The next set of gifts must be delivered covertly with complete deniability. Find out what the favorite sexual fetish and perversion for the specific country is (possibly the removal of veils and full-blown harem scenes). In the Valley, produce specialized porno videos and magazines by the millions and float them down. Collect all the illegal narcotics rounded up in the drug war, like coke, crack, heroin, Mary Jane, speed, crystal meth, PCP, LSD and Ecstasy, and drop them with instructions, recommended dosages, and drug paraphernalia such as crack pipes and hypodermic needles. Throw in some Viagra, too. Drop on the cities all the confiscated illegal handguns like cheap Saturday-night specials as well as supplies for gambling — roulette wheels, slot machines, bingo equipment, and a whole lot of cards and dice.

Eventually there will be a black market dealing in all these goods. The people will also forget how to grow their own food. They will become addicted to junk food, pornography, cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, gambling, violence, entertainment and, last but not least, shopping. Offer to open American factories in their country — Coca-Cola could pave the way, then McDonald’s and 7-Elevens could move in.

The final step would be to flood the country with missionaries of all faiths to preach to the people that they shouldn’t enjoy any of these Western vices. Initially the American companies would be paid by our government for their goods, but soon there would be a voracious demand for their products. This type of war would be a great boon for our economy. The U.S. would save money. (How many Twinkies and Bud Lites can you buy for $2 billion, the cost of just one stealth bomber?) And American companies would be in overdrive, producing as never before!


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