The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: A Square Dance of Bitchiness

Camille, friend DD and Allison DuBois, pre-electronic cigarette.
Camille, friend DD and Allison DuBois, pre-electronic cigarette.
bravotv.com

Fans of RHOBH, please, please tell us you watched last night. Was this not the episode we've been waiting for? It was the climax; when tensions came to a head; the eruption of emotion in which our stars ended up at each others' throats. The Superbowl of reality TV if you will. Here are the highlights.

Camille decided to have a dinner party and invite all the ladies, despite the fact that she's been feuding with Kyle, and that none of Housewives have taken her side. So all five women, plus a friend of Kyle's and a two friends of Camille gathered at the Grammer estate in their cocktail finest, hoping differences could put aside for one evening of girls night fun.

Riiiiiight.

First of all, this party was a drunkapalooza. Camille served cocktails the size of fishbowls, and as the ladies downed one after the other, everything got progressively louder and slurrier.

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(Side note: This is like the 93rd time we've seen Camille drink since the second episode or so when she claimed she never does. Not exactly a score for credibility.)

Whether faked or not, all was hunky dory for the first hour or so until Camille, suddenly realizing why she recognized Kyle's guest Faye Resnick, threw a record scratcher across the table: "I know how I know her. I saw her naked in Playboy. She posed naked in Playboy after the OJ trial."

Faye fights back. Kim can't handle it.
Faye fights back. Kim can't handle it.
bravotv.com

OK, we had to Google Faye Resnick, but oh yeah, she was a friend of Nicole Brown Simpson and testified in the trial. Then posed for Playboy. Three years later.

For the record, Camille also posed in Playboy, but so she claimed, it doesn't really count because it was for the "lingerie section." (That's bullshit, right? As Lisa implied, we're pretty sure that doesn't exist.)

Faye took the passive-aggressive remark in stride, and everything remained calm, at least until Camille's friend Allison DuBois pulled out her electronic cigarette.

Allison DuBois is the person on whom the television show Medium is based. Does Patricia Arquette have Tourette's in that show? Because Allison kind of seemed to. We weren't sure if it was the fourth martini talking or what, but with every vaporized puff she took, shit got crazier.

Allison insisted she was "off the clock" and didn't want to do a reading at the table. The ladies, unable to squelch their curiosity, begged her. "Don't tempt me," she told Kyle. Kyle tempted her. Camille pushed, "go ahead and say it!"

So she did.

In regards to her husband Mauricio, Allison told Kyle, "He will never emotionally fulfill you. Ever. Know that. Once the kids are bigger you'll have nothing in common."

Oh damn. Well, that didn't sit well. Do psychics have the right to say shit like this? If there were a make-up artist at the table, could she have looked at a guest and said "You're ugly, and there's no saving you." We don't think so.

What ensued thereafter was an orgy of an argument. Everyone was involved, slicing each other open with the sharpest words they could think of. It was like a square dance of bitchiness. Hiss to your partner, curse to your corner. Doe-si-doe.

Some choice quotes we caught out of the mess:

"Excuse me, you're boring me."

- Kyle, to Allison

"You are entirely washed up. Enjoy your life."

- Allison, to Kyle

"You've got two legs, last time we checked." (Yeah, we don't get it either.)

- Allison, to Faye

"You have achieved nothing in life."

- Allison, to Kyle

"You're nothing. You've done nothing. You're nothing. You've done nothing. You've done nothing."

- Allison, to Kyle

"Why don't you blow up your lips some more."

- Kim, to Taylor

"I can tell you when she will die and what will happen to her family. I love that about me."

-Allison i.r.t. Kyle

Keep it classy, Beverly Hills.

All but Camille and her cohorts left (we don't even think dinner was served) and retired to the Polo Lounge to decompress. Who knew Allison DuBois was the craziest Housewife of all? Get this girl a spinoff.


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