The Problem With Oscar
First of all, the Academy Awards started at 3, and that means drinking started at 3 and so last night was a very long night. I don't have a television, and I wasn't invited to the Oscars, an oversight on somebody's part I'm sure. But that didn't stop me from inviting all my friends to Stuart's house for Thai food, booze and plenty of fashion bashing. Three quarters of the Style Council came, Steffie and Caroline and we got it done. We meant to "live blog" but when pressed I really didn't know what that meant.. Here's our recap.
Keira Knightly's hair is an unatural shade of orange. She looks way better as a brunette and should cease and desist with the peroxide. Also she needs to stand up straight. She was spotted hunching all over the red carpet. She sat next to Jack Nicholson, and looked very nervous, maybe it was because she was scared he was going to finger her at some point. I bet he did.
Whatever with Jessica Alba. Stuart says she's very "valley development." I call her mini J.Lo. We caught her applying lipgloss in public, proof that she may very well be from the valley. I'm not putting up any pictures of Jessica Alba. I think you all will agree we've seen enough of her already.
Ryan Seacrest made a bold move and got rid of his streaky highlights. Jessica Alba endorsed the decision. Not that we care what Jessica Alba thinks. Again, whatever with Jessica Alba.
Jada Pinkett Smith, please stop working out. Please, put down the free weights. You
don't have breasts anymore, you have pecs...
Felicity Huffman, we love her but we don't love her clavicle that much. Sternum's are not sexy.
Sandra Bullock, again, we love, but what the hell happened to her hair?? what was going on? Please somebody tell me! Also, it looked like she couldn't zip her dress all the way up. I know she's pregant but for god sakes getting knocked up does not mean you stop brushing your hair. And what was up with the pockets in the gown? And Keanu was her date?
Charlize looked like she had a stick up her ass. Maybe it's because her dress was so ugly. Hideous. I did notice that Stuart Townsend wasn't with her. Maybe they broke up? By the look on her face, it may have happened last night. Maybe she has PMS Caroline offered. Her dress ate her boobs.
We LOVED Michelle Williams, she was a vision. I think we voted her best dressed. She was my favorite.
Naomi Watts? Watts up with her dress? See all that extra fabric? Looks like she has a spare tire. No wonder Heath left you Naomi. Get yourself together girl.
Nicole Kidman, boring.
What happened to Rachel Mc Adams? Again another orange blond victim. She looks way better as a brunette, and her lame ass video appearance was lame ass. She had all the sincerity of a QVC host.
Helena Bonham Carter. UGH! What is Tim Burton doing to you? She looked like his corpse bride. Steffie said he's turning her into a wraith. She looked like who did it and ran.
My favorite part was when Three-6 maffia won for best song. It's hard out here for a pimp. I have been singing that song for months, looked everywhere for the CD and couldn't find it. Did you notice, they changed bitch to witch? "you gotta whole lotta witches jumpin' ship." lame.
J.Lo. I feel so bad for her, with her chicken necked husband. He's so tiny. a wee bit of a man. and j.lo is a lot of woman, I like her dress so much but I think her hair always looks like shit. I found myself feeling actually happy to see her. I kind of missed my little jenny from the block.
Ludacris gets my vote for best dressed male. Morgan Freeman second. Morgan Freeman is damn stylish.
Dolly Parton don'tcha just love her. I think she's great. I hear she has to put weights in her shoes so she doesn't tip over. I can only imagine the burden of lugging those things around and the science involved in holding them up.
Lauren Hutton looked like she joined a mariachi band...or she just hiked down from Machu Picchu...
After our dish fest, we were sufficiently shit faced and heard that Peaches was playing at Akbar. We went and gayed it up. She was DJ'ing though, not performing. Then we lost our car and looked for it for a half hour. Literally.Lucky I have this picture of Michelle Williams to get me through the day... she's mighty purdy...
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Los Angeles, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.