Martin Grondin, a 25-year-old software installation support engineer living in Dracut, MA, thought it would be a nice idea to translate the entire holy Bible into cat language. So a few years ago, he created the online LOLCat Bible Translation Project. The Bible is now due out in book form courtesy of Ulysses Press. After first exclaiming "Oh, hai!" Grondin talked with me about catspeak, cat god, and how not to wind up in cat hell.
Are there cat apostles? Like in the real bible?
The cat apostles were there when the apostles of the Bible were there, writing their version of things. It's a mystery of where they truly ended up, so they emulate very strongly with the Bible's apostles.
Is there an LOL cat devil? What is LOL cat hell like?
There is Basement Cat. The road to the Basement is full of catnip and lose. Basement Cat hates all things good and does not like Ceiling Cat, even though they used to be best buds way back in the day before Ceiling Cat pwned Basement Cat. The Basement is everything cats hate. It's dirty, it's wet, and it's ull of things that go bump and squirt bottles. Can you imagine a cat trying to go through eternity of getting squirt by a squirt bottle? All the more reason to follow Ceiling Cat faithfully!
What was the first Bible passage you translated?
The first passage I translated on my own was Job 1. I chose Job because I find the story pretty fascinating.
Did you write the entire bible? Or was it a group effort between you and other people? Or was the entire bible written by cats?
Over 2,300 users have come and translated a portion of the Bible. It was very much a group effort and that is why I chose the wiki software to get the task done. I think it worked out very well. Every one that contributes to the Wiki project are divinely inspired by Ceiling Cat by default, unless of course they erase pages or spam. Then I am afraid Basement Cat has their souls. Srsly.
Is Ceiling Cat a kind and loving god, or is he a god of fire and brimstone?
Ceiling Cat is a god of Cheezburgers and cookiez and of pwnzors and lazer eyez. You have to watch out. If you are on his good side you will get chin rubs and cheezburgers, but if you get on his bad side he will pwn you.
Is Ceiling Cat even a "he"? Or is he a "she"? Also, what breed of cat is Ceiling Cat?
Ceiling Cat tends to be referred to as a he, but in reality, he transcends gender and breed. Much like Plato believed in his Theory of Forms that all objects gained their essence through an ideal of that object, all cats derive their catness through Ceiling Cat. He is the essence of cat.
Do you have a favorite passage of the LOL Cat Bible?
There are so many funny parts I don't know if I can choose an absolute favorite at all. One passage I enjoy is Psalm 23, srsly. It makes me feel warm and gushy inside.
There are a bunch of LOL cat language translator engines out there. Is there a one true LOL cat language? What do the scholars say?
The one true LOLCat language is not found in any online translator. All the online translators are really awful! The best lolspeak is made when you put yourself in the mind of a cat and get excited about everything (or very, very apathetic, depending on the cat!). Lolspeak is about playing with words and language, much in the same way a cat will play with any object he can get his paws on. It's about exploration of the feline mind. No engine can truly capture the playfulness of lolspeak, and no translation engine can inject funny jokes.
Have the cat bible writers ever gotten into arguments over how to translate certain passages?
For a while it wasn't settled whether Jesus would stay Jesus or become Happy Cat. There was some bitter back and forth, and finally someone just went off and started changing all the references to Jesus as "Happy Cat." It stuck. I guess sometimes angry random acts can get results!
Have you ever considered that maybe you will start a new religion based on this bible? It could happen.
If the Church of Caturday Lulz forms, I am sure it'll be an awesome religion. Maybe I can meander the ranks, become the Pope of the new religion, and start passing around the collection plates. Still, I'm not sure what I would do with cat food offerings. If anything, it would be the cutest religion in the entire world! Srsly.
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