Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Dana Wilkey and Brandi Glanville Shock and Awe

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Dana Wilkey and Brandi Glanville Shock and Awe

See that horrified face on Kyle Richards? Yeah, it was that kind of RHOBH episode last night. Lots of jaw-dropping cock talk among the ladies, especially considering there was a baby pool and a bouncy castle about 10 feet away from them.

More on that in a minute. But first, let's take it from the top:

Last night we finally got the chance to hang with Dana Wilkey, the newest pseudo-Housewife addition to Beverly Hills. We don't know what rock she crawled out from under. We don't know where she gets the oodles of money she apparently has, nor do we know who her fiance is. But here's what we do know so far:

1) She greets guests at her front door wearing a tiara.

2) Her not-even-two-year-old son can read, write and speak Thai.

3) She keeps flyers advertising said son in her foyer.

4) She buys $25,000 sunglasses and then tells everyone in the world how much they cost.

Kyle and Taylor can't handle the heat at the barbecue.
Kyle and Taylor can't handle the heat at the barbecue.

Yes, let's get straight to the shades. Dana wore them to Adrienne's barbecue and announced to everyone who'd listen that they cost as much as a year of college tuition. They're lined with four carats-worth of diamonds and are made of something called gold python, which must be a snake raised solely to create accessories for rich and shameless women.

But for some party-goers, this wasn't even the most surprising thing of the afternoon. The real culprit of Kyle's aforementioned stunned face was Brandi Glanville's young son who, after taking a dip in the pool, proceeded to strip naked and pee on Adrienne and Paul's perfectly manicured lawn. Worse yet? Brandi just laughed. Apparently she didn't see this as an opportunity to teach her child the consequences of public urination.

In his defense, though, young Glanville-Cibrian didn't go over the line of appropriateness nearly as far as the chatty Housewives, who sat around dishing about penis for about an hour. Thanks to Camille, we now know way more about Kelsey Grammer's nether regions than we care to. "Big hands, big feet, big disappointment. I was married to that!" she lamented. Cancel that DVR of Frasier reruns, thanks.

Hear no evil, Camille.
Hear no evil, Camille.

Then came the "cock" heard round the world. Brandi, concerned that not everyone was following Camille's innuendo, clarified that we were, in fact, talking about Kelsey's cock. The word sent a ripple of disgusted eye rolls through the Housewives. Shield their virgin ears. Of course, the ladies found such crassness truly, deeply offensive. They would never use it as an excuse to further dislike a woman they're already trying to ice out. They never.

Brandi's foot-in-mouth disease continued with her insinuation direct accusation that Dana's fiance cheats on her. When Dana explained he travels a lot, Brandi replied he must have a woman in every city, which set off an eyeroll tsunami even those gold python sunglasses couldn't hide.

The only gal missing all the action at the barbecue was Kim, who'd said she'd come but never showed. When Kyle finally got in touch with her for an explanation, she sounded once again erratic on the phone, adding to the suspicion that Kim may be using some sort of drugs. Previews tell us Brandi will pipe up inappropriately once more next week and call Kim "wasted," setting off the first major brawl of season two. We can't wait.

Follow Ali Trachta on Twitter at @MySo_CalLife and for more arts news follow @LAWeeklyArts.

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