One Man's Argument Against Rompers for Dudes: Can't We Just Wear Dresses?
The RompHim: A perfect outfit for lying to your bros about the Instagram model you allegedly hooked up with at Coachella.
Look, I’m all for people wearing whatever they want. Fashion is a part of culture that can only be interpreted on a personal level, and just because one person thinks an outfit is a dumpster fire doesn’t mean another shouldn’t wear it. That said, I can’t help but think the male romper (or the RompHim, because guys couldn’t possibly just call the garment what it's been called for over 100 years) is anything but a colossal pile of flaming Chainsmokers-level douchebag garbage.
Before getting to the obvious glaring issues with dudes wearing rompers, let’s start out with my strong suspicion that a lot of the bros throwing their support behind them didn’t know what a romper was a week ago. One look at the visuals for the official RompHim Kickstarter and social media pages shows that it’s clearly made for the type of guy who often drinks one too many mimosas at his usual outdoor brunch spot and at least considered buying a “Make America Great Again” hat before realizing that being “woke” led to much more success on Tinder. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but that doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who’s been clamoring for years to wear a button-up one-piece.
That leads to the next point, which is that the RompHim effectively defeats the purpose of wearing a romper. Nothing says “I want to look cute and woefully impractical” like a romper, particularly when it comes to using the bathroom. Ask any woman who’s worn a romper to a music festival how that experience in the sun-baked porta potty turned out, and you can easily understand why ladies everywhere are calling bullshit on the RompHim’s use of a zippered fly. If a dude ais going to start mixing rompers into his closet full of boat shoes, khaki shorts and gingham shirts, he should at least get the full experience of having to entirely undress when his bladder fills after his fourth craft IPA.
But here’s the real kicker about dudes in rompers. As anyone with testicles who’s ever worn a romper can probably attest, having your crotch directly connected to your shoulders by a hammock of cloth can be more than a little problematic. Considering that camel toe is just about inescapable for many romper-wearing ladies, that seam going between your legs is going to be pretty dicey for any bro who wants a snug fit. Sure, Sean Connery pulled it off as James Bond, but your balls probably aren't attached to the slickest action hero to ever grace the big screen.
Even if the crotch were loose enough to fit comfortably when standing, it sure seems like most guys over six-foot wouldn’t be able to be able to sit upright and throw his shoulders back without it tugging on his junk at least a little bit. And if it’s loose enough to fit comfortably sitting down, then you’re looking at a drop-crotch romper which is something that literally no one has ever asked for (nor should they). The only way to fix the issue would be with a heavy dose of spandex, and at that point you might as well just be rocking a wrestling singlet along with that straw fedora. Good luck explaining to the girl you met while waiting to see David Guetta at a bougie hotel’s pool party why you’re hunched over every time you take a seat in your overpriced cabana.
Now, just because the RompHim may be the worst item of clothing since Crocs doesn’t mean men shouldn’t start defying gender roles when it comes to what they wear. Fat Mike of NOFX has made wearing dresses as punk as ever. Or remember when Kanye started wearing leather skirts? I’m still waiting for him to slap “Yeezy” on a sundress so all the sneaker-loving hypebeasts buy them up and slowly bring casual flowing summer gowns for men into mainstream retail stores. (No, really, how amazing and comfortable would it be for dudes to wear sundresses? It’s basically just the evolution of the tall tee or oversized basketball jersey.)
If there’s one saving grace to the RompHim, it’s that the first round of Kickstarter pre-orders won’t ship for another couple of months. so bros in places that have more than one season can wear it for about three weeks in August before it gets too cold. By then, at least some of the hundreds of dude-bros who paid upward of $100 each for them will have stopped mansplaining why they send unwanted dick pics long enough to realize they shouldn’t wear the floral onesie they ironically ordered.
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