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"I'm cock sure you're meant to be my Valentine": 12 absurd and wonderful vintage Valentines

"I'm cock sure you're meant to be my Valentine": 12 absurd and wonderful vintage Valentines

Each Monday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets around Los Angeles.

Twelve Goofy Old Valentines Found in SoCal Antique Malls

Hooray for love! Today is the day that we celebrate St. Valentine, the Roman priest martyred 1700 years ago because of all the feelings he hurt after he failed to bring cards enough for everyone in his homeroom.

Today we know better, of course, and thanks to the manufacturers of pre-printed Valentines we can let everyone everywhere know that we are in love with each of them equally.

Sometimes with pictures of Bret Hart and Goldberg!



But a couple generations back, America had not yet fully invested in its last remaining profitable industry: the endless licensing of characters. That means that the Valentines of the '30s and '40s didn't have Hulks or Barbies Instead, they offered what it is everyone assumed kids wanted: the word "cock" in all caps.


Perhaps anticipating that some teachers would demand that every kid give Valentines to everyone, manufacturers whipped up some cards that downplayed love in favor of a begrudging acceptance.

"I'm cock sure you're meant to be my Valentine": 12 absurd and wonderful vintage Valentines


Many expressed more nuanced feelings than simple love. This one announces, "You are far too good for the self I see myself as."



"I'm cock sure you're meant to be my Valentine": 12 absurd and wonderful vintage Valentines


Here's a one-off character who could have become a household favorite: "The Puppy Who Wouldn't Take 'No' for an Answer."



"I'm cock sure you're meant to be my Valentine": 12 absurd and wonderful vintage Valentines


(For more on the love that dare not woof its name, check out last week's Studies in Crap post.)

Speaking of our animal friends:



"I'm cock sure you're meant to be my Valentine": 12 absurd and wonderful vintage Valentines


"Feline" is a pun on "feeling"! This discovery will revolutionize headline writing at Cat Fancy.



Animals were a popular subject.



"I'm cock sure you're meant to be my Valentine": 12 absurd and wonderful vintage Valentines


The most efficient way to communicate love in the medium of donkey? Draw and quarter it!



"I'm cock sure you're meant to be my Valentine": 12 absurd and wonderful vintage Valentines


Yes, that's your Crap Archivist's shoe.



You would never see a card like this next one in circulation today.



"I'm cock sure you're meant to be my Valentine": 12 absurd and wonderful vintage Valentines


See, today texting is the most popular method for illiterate kids to promise each other X-rated action.



More animals!



"I'm cock sure you're meant to be my Valentine": 12 absurd and wonderful vintage Valentines


No, I don't find "nuts" amusing. Instead, I adore the message on the back, which is as sweet as a mouthful of candy hearts:



"I'm cock sure you're meant to be my Valentine": 12 absurd and wonderful vintage Valentines


Another card with a great all-caps hand-written message:



"I'm cock sure you're meant to be my Valentine": 12 absurd and wonderful vintage Valentines


"I'm cock sure you're meant to be my Valentine": 12 absurd and wonderful vintage Valentines


Please, right this very instant: think of your own preshy preshy lamb what you love so very very much. Have you told it lately?

Anyway, here's a couple more. It's because of cards like this next one that a generation expected According to Jim to be a show about a polka player:



"I'm cock sure you're meant to be my Valentine": 12 absurd and wonderful vintage Valentines


Sometimes the puns made no sense whatsoever.



"I'm cock sure you're meant to be my Valentine": 12 absurd and wonderful vintage Valentines


But you might want to hang on to that last scent to mark me with!



Finally, here's a pioneering effort in the greatest of all greeting-card genres: the sexy fake-out.



"I'm cock sure you're meant to be my Valentine": 12 absurd and wonderful vintage Valentines


See those sexy gams? Well, open the card!



"I'm cock sure you're meant to be my Valentine": 12 absurd and wonderful vintage Valentines


HAHA, cows used to be such sexy beauts we would give them bows and bells and make-overs! Fortunately, America has evolved past conceiving of them in any such terms, as you can see and smell just by driving the I-5 through the horizon-wide shit-stink of the central valley.



Happy Valentine's Day to all you preshy preshy lambs what Shosh loves very, very much!



Hey, you could do worse than following @studiesincrap on Twitter!