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How to Survive Vampire Con Without Getting Bit (Plus, Faking It at Vampirella's Ball)

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How to Survive Vampire Con Without Getting Bit (Plus, Faking It at Vampirella's Ball)

These are things you should know when going to Vampire Con, or the convention dedicated to vampires. It happened this weekend at the Music Box Theatre along with Vampirella's Ball. It was the first event of its kind.

1. Wear black.

Duh. For women, this means long black gowns and gloves. For men, this means black top hats, Edwardian or Victorian suits, or anything you would see in a Mad Max movie.

How to Survive Vampire Con Without Getting Bit (Plus, Faking It at Vampirella's Ball)

2. Don't ask the bartender for blood.

I did. She offered me merlot instead. Then she offered me her neck.

How to Survive Vampire Con Without Getting Bit (Plus, Faking It at Vampirella's Ball)

3. When making out with someone, watch the fangs.

People who want to be vampires often wear fake fangs. They clip onto the tooth. Sometimes, the person glues the fangs on for a semi-permanent bond. They can come unglued if the tongue action is particularly hot.

How to Survive Vampire Con Without Getting Bit (Plus, Faking It at Vampirella's Ball)
How to Survive Vampire Con Without Getting Bit (Plus, Faking It at Vampirella's Ball)

4. If someone asks you if you've read Vampirella, or know who she is, just say yes.

Unless you want to sit through a long explanation of how the character was created, how she is evolving, how she was the first of her kind, and how she exists at the intersection of sex and death.

How to Survive Vampire Con Without Getting Bit (Plus, Faking It at Vampirella's Ball)

 

5. Resign yourself to burlesque.

I know, I know. Burlesque is everywhere these days. You cannot escape it if you're going to deal with vampires and people who like vampires. Ditto for fire breathing.

How to Survive Vampire Con Without Getting Bit (Plus, Faking It at Vampirella's Ball)

6. Be prepared for big boobs.

For whatever reason, lots of goth women are amply endowed. They are not shy about flaunting the girls. This is not a bad thing.

How to Survive Vampire Con Without Getting Bit (Plus, Faking It at Vampirella's Ball)

7. If you're gonna do a cape, do it with commitment.

If you're a guy, you are going to look somewhat odd in a cape. Gay, even. There's no getting around it. Embrace that. Work it.

How to Survive Vampire Con Without Getting Bit (Plus, Faking It at Vampirella's Ball)

8. Bring cash.

To buy stuff like this. Miscellaneous bat parts. Vampire psychic readings. Cross jewelry. Coffin couches. The cost of parking alone will bleed you dry.

How to Survive Vampire Con Without Getting Bit (Plus, Faking It at Vampirella's Ball)
How to Survive Vampire Con Without Getting Bit (Plus, Faking It at Vampirella's Ball)
How to Survive Vampire Con Without Getting Bit (Plus, Faking It at Vampirella's Ball)
How to Survive Vampire Con Without Getting Bit (Plus, Faking It at Vampirella's Ball)

 

9. Theatricality is always welcome.

Even if it is not Halloween, costumes are encouraged. You will feel out of place if you do not have (a) neck bites, (b) blood pouring out of your eyes, (c) white face paint, (d) a mask, (e) a wig, (f) contact lenses that make you look like Satan.

How to Survive Vampire Con Without Getting Bit (Plus, Faking It at Vampirella's Ball)
How to Survive Vampire Con Without Getting Bit (Plus, Faking It at Vampirella's Ball)
How to Survive Vampire Con Without Getting Bit (Plus, Faking It at Vampirella's Ball)

10. Show some skin.

It whets the vampiric appetite. It's the whole intersection of sex and death thing.

How to Survive Vampire Con Without Getting Bit (Plus, Faking It at Vampirella's Ball)

11. Speak the language...of death!

Make reference to True Blood, Twilight, Buffy, Bram Stoker, Bela Lugosi, Dracula, Vampira, Nosferatu, The Hunger, Count Yorga, The Lost Boys, Angel and the like. Otherwise, people will suspect you have been living in a coffin for the past hundred years. Extra credit if you can identify any of the DJs (Xian Vox of Wumpskate and Malediction Society, or DJ Pumpkin, or DJ Gary Calamar, music supervisor of True Blood) or acrobatic acts (Lucent Dossier and Angela Eve). Also makes for ice breaker if you spot a cute girl.

How to Survive Vampire Con Without Getting Bit (Plus, Faking It at Vampirella's Ball)

12. BYOB.

The red liquid in the little vials that looks like blood? It's not. Or maybe it is. I couldn't get a straight answer and wasn't willing to taste. Bring Your Own Blood.

How to Survive Vampire Con Without Getting Bit (Plus, Faking It at Vampirella's Ball)

13. If this guy offers to bite you, step away.

He is funny. Like your great uncle Morty who asks you to sit on his lap. Beware! He will lunge for your carotid artery and attempt to "welcome you into the land of the non-living" faster than you can say "No fangks."

Count Smokula
Count Smokula

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