Going to the Grammys...

Considering I may be tone deaf, can't sing to save a life, it's pretty safe to say performing at the Grammy's is a dream out of reach. That is until I was chosen to be a stage performer for the Gorillaz's duet with MADONNA at this year's Grammy Awards!!  I was a little older than their projected age group, but hell, I sent a picture and hoped for the best, and was so surprised that despite my disclaimer, they chose me.

I went to my first day of rehearsal today at the Staples Center. First we were fitted in wardrobe, eventually after a couple of sizing mishaps I was put in these stripy shorts, a leopard bra and black thigh highs, and t-shirt that read, "New Jersey, Only The Strong Survive." Great. I'm a New Yorker. My grandfather used to say "Nobody likes New Jersey, but somebody's gotta live there." But it was as if the designer read my mind, she came by with scissors and cut a little cleavage reveal, just enough to hide the New Jersey part (and to my chagrin to expose my bra with the slightest move.) She walked around the room and cut the other girls t's here, and rolled up things there. After my shirt was cut, my shorts were shortened, and later she felt my baby t wasn't baby enough, she reached over and tied a knot in the back to tighten it.

Then we were off to the STAGE. We had to walk a long ass time through the bowels of the Center, reminded me of that scene where the band gets lost in Spinal Tap. But when we emerged, the stage, the lights, the enormity of it gave me such a rush.

Then we waited. and waited. and waited. Finally, we took the stage and that's when I learned "performer" was a bit of a misnomer, we were to play club kids who have been out all night and kind of passed out all over each other (think Fiona Apple's Criminal), behind us animated Gorillaz played, De La Soul rapped around us, and then a hollogram, of Madonna, became real! Madonna danced right next to us, her ass looked great. I mean I was watching her in the bright lights, not a dimple, ripple, or shake. She's a hard body. The song is tight good too.

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Madonna watched us play pass out, over and over again. I heard a tech guy ask, "when are we finished?" Another responded, "When Madonna's satisfied." So while we sat crumpled en masse a couple of the kids started calling out the names of the front rowers they spotted, today they were represented by white plaquards with black letters and a PR shot."Beck, Missy Elliot, The Killers" Someone else called out  "The White Stripes, Steven Tyler, Neil Young" "Look there's Kanye" The list went on and on...When we were done, a woman came over and said "Are ya' all supposed to be dead?" Our stage manager said, "No, they're dead tired. They've been out a club all night."Great. That's the extent of my performance in a nut shell. I play a dead girl. I was once an extra on Seinfeld for shits and giggles, I played...a club kid. I think I may be getting type cast....

Anyway, we found out we get to hang out backstage for the rehearsal, and can watch the entire full dress rehearsal show, but since we're the first ones on, immediately after the taping of our little bit, we have to leave. Not exactly what I thought would happen but then again, anything can... watch for me, we're the first ones on, I'm on the left side of the stage, on the left of the pile of kids. February 8, 2006 | 8pm et/pt | CBS

click here for the list of nominees

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