Of all our manufactured holidays, Valentine's Day is the most insidious for pushing the importance of monogamous relationships and making single people everywhere feel less than. Bullshit — you are enough and, frankly, you could probably spend more time showing you how much you mean to you. So while all of the paired-off squares are gorging themselves on chocolate and then having missionary sex, here are five ways to spend the day with the person who truly means the most.
1. Revel in other people's failed romantic exploits.
At 7 p.m. on Valentine's Day, a variety of attractive misanthropes will descend upon the Museum of Broken Relationships on Hollywood Boulevard to ogle artifacts that were left behind when people's relationships hit the skids. Unfortunately, that event — an Anti–Valentine's Day Party, complete with DJ, food trucks and a cash bar — is sold out. But, screw it. The museum is open from 11 a.m. to 6 p.m., as it usually is on Tuesdays, so go during regular business hours and enjoy some alone time rather than worrying about being flirted with while you're just trying to read the story behind a vial of a stranger's pubic hair. Museum of Broken Relationships, 6751 Hollywood Blvd., Hollywood; $18. brokenships.la.
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2. Laugh like no one is watching. They aren't because you're alone. And that's fine.
Every night is a good night to see comedy in L.A., and Valentine's Day is obviously no exception. I mean, what could be funnier than the thought of a large chunk of L.A.'s population trying to figure out how anyone can consume the amount of fruit in an Edible Arrangement? Some suggestions: Iliza Shlesinger (who, by the way, just goes by Iliza now) is performing at the Wilshire Ebell Theatre; NYC-based up-and-comer Liza Treyger tells jokes at NerdMelt; and, if watching another couple's bliss isn't too much for you, Cameron Esposito and Rhea Butcher's weekly comedy showcase Put Your Hands Together takes the stage at UCB Franklin.
3. Go see a movie. And weep because it's fun.
Having a good, shameless cry is the ultimate act of self-love. Bonus: If you're alone, you don't have to worry about comforting a friend/lover or anyone catching you licking the snot off your upper lip. Cinespia's hosting a screening of Nicholas Sparks' cheesy tearjerker The Notebook at the Los Angeles Theatre downtown. The dress code is dressy, but the lesson is stripped down: Yeah, love can be great, but then someone gets Alzheimer's and the party's over. Los Angeles Theatre, 615 S. Broadway, downtown; Tue., Feb. 14, 7 p.m., movie at 9 p.m.; $33. cinespia.org.
4. Give Cupid what for in person.
For a legendary archer, that fat little jerky angel boy Cupid isn't the most accurate shot. A slightly more svelte version of the Valentine's Day icon is on display at the Getty. It's Edme Bouchardon's marble sculpture Cupid Carving a Bow From Hercules's Club, and it was carved in France in the 18th century. There's a story there, too, according to the Getty: "The celebrated sculptor and draftsman created some of the best-known images of the Louis XV age. One standout is Cupid Carving a Bow From Hercules’s Club, a major royal commission so controversial in style at the time that it was placed in a small château used as a retreat by Louis XV and his mistress Madame de Pompadour to enjoy." See, even art has relationship drama. Not you. The Getty Center, 1200 Getty Center Drive, Westwood; free. getty.edu/art/exhibitions/bouchardon/index.html.
5. Go for a spin — solo style.
If you were fortunate enough to grow up near a roller rink, you surely remember that the couple skate was the lamest part of a Saturday afternoon blacklight-lit birthday party. Don't let some chump hold you back or, God forbid, drag you down. Hit up Tuesday's Rolling Hearts Pop-Up Roller Rink & Disco at Union, where DJs spin a classic roll-bounce soundtrack. Eight wheels, two skates, one you — heaven. Union Nightclub, 4067 W. Pico Blvd., Mid-City; $15-$20. restlessnights.com/rolling.