Baby Carriages of the Damned: Kudos with the Child-Rearing, Cardboard Box Stroller Mother!

They say that the first two months of a baby's life are the most critical in terms of their psychological development. Or maybe it was first two years. Whatever. In any case, wheeling them around in these strollers can't possibly be good.

1. The Baby Brain Car

Baby Carriages of the Damned: Kudos with the Child-Rearing, Cardboard Box Stroller Mother!

This baby is sitting in what would approximately be the frontal lobe of the hideous monster carriage. Note that there is no handle for the parent to push the carriage. Presumably, mom just kicks the thing forward. Or maybe the carriage runs independently on its own evil juices.

2. The Holocaust Mobile

Baby Carriages of the Damned: Kudos with the Child-Rearing, Cardboard Box Stroller Mother!

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Nothing says "love" like babies and thermonuclear weapons of mass destruction. Or actually, babies inside thermonuclear weapons of mass destruction.

3. The Serial Killer Special

Baby Carriages of the Damned: Kudos with the Child-Rearing, Cardboard Box Stroller Mother!

On the plus side, it is stainless steel and thus waterproof and hypoallergenic. The various knives and swords and blades and sharp-edged accoutrements (is that a hammer?) deter overly friendly grandma-types who might otherwise be inclined to pinch your baby's cheeks. On the minus side...well, there is no minus side. Also great for future serial killers and ninjas.

4. The Batleth Bassinet

Baby Carriages of the Damned: Kudos with the Child-Rearing, Cardboard Box Stroller Mother!

Endorsed by Klingons. Certified 100% safe by Satan.

5. The Toddler Terminator

Baby Carriages of the Damned: Kudos with the Child-Rearing, Cardboard Box Stroller Mother!

Oh my gosh, it's totally weaponized! So cute!

6. The Coffin

Baby Carriages of the Damned: Kudos with the Child-Rearing, Cardboard Box Stroller Mother!

There is a goth joke to be made here involving babies slitting their wrists, but that would be in poor taste. Babies, after all, are the anti-goth. Tell me that the person who owns this carriage (Morticia? Elvira?) rocks her baby to sleep with Bauhaus and Sisters of Mercy.

7. The Motorized Smart Baby Carriage...for Future Androids

Baby Carriages of the Damned: Kudos with the Child-Rearing, Cardboard Box Stroller Mother!

This concept baby carriage automatically changes your baby's diaper, rocks them to sleep, gives them oxygen, and hermetically seals them away from germs. There is a port you can open for personal interaction with the baby, and temperature controls (is it just me, or are you thinking of convection ovens right now?). At a certain point, if it's gonna do all that, you have to wonder: Why even have a baby? This person's babysitter is either a robot or a computer named Hal.

8. The Cardboard Box

On the low-tech side, we have this: a cardboard box with wheels. Kudos with the child-rearing Cardboard Box Stroller Mother!

 

9. The Snake Evader

This carriage dates to, I want to say, the Edwardian era. It is designed to keep the baby away from snakes. Was there a dire need to snakeproof your child's stroller back then? Were snakes very much feared by parents? The only way this stroller gets better is if it comes with an optional mongoose.

10. The Grocery Cart

Baby Carriages of the Damned: Kudos with the Child-Rearing, Cardboard Box Stroller Mother!

This one looks almost comfy. You go to the grocery. You've got your baby in there, your watermelons.

11. The At-At Stroller

Baby Carriages of the Damned: Kudos with the Child-Rearing, Cardboard Box Stroller Mother!

Absolutely no objections to this one whatsoever, except a word of caution to look out for other rebel fighter babies flying at low altitudes with harpoons and tow cables.

12. The Crazy Japanese Character Stroller

Baby Carriages of the Damned: Kudos with the Child-Rearing, Cardboard Box Stroller Mother!

The best thing about this picture is that the stroller is parked next to a case of Corona beer. It explains a lot. Almost.


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