8 Perfect L.A. Places for Your Next Breakup
Need to break up with somebody? We've got you. Sure, Los Angeles boasts some great places to fall in love. Yet (and thankfully) there are equally ideal spots to bid adieu to unwanted romance. Here are eight strategically placed dumping grounds (sorry) around the city, so you can confidently send that ominous “let’s talk” text knowing that your location will support your soon-to-be single lifestyle.
Need some liquid courage? You're in luck.
8. The Oaks Gourmet Market
Tucked discreetly behind Franklin Village is the Oaks Gourmet, a bourgeois market and cafe with lots of delicious and pricey items that you can fill up on while you wait for your soon-to-be ex’s improv show to let out. If you’re lucky, you won’t snag a tiny patio table: instead, grab a couple seats at the not-comfy-for-a-conversation-longer-than-10-minutes exterior bar area. When Seth finally shows up (late), buy him a vegan Fonut and tell him that things aren’t working but that you’ll gladly pay for his Uber back to NoHo. Added bonus: The cute dogs milling around will distract you from pre-breakup anxiety!
1915 N. Bronson Ave., Hollywood Hills; theoaksgourmet.com.
Bad lighting FTW.
7. Sanamluang Cafe
What goes great with heartache? Delicious homemade noodles! Sanamluang Cafe is a tasty restaurant in its own right, but aside from being open late at night and never being crowded, the lighting is TERRIBLE. Use Sanamluang Cafe if you’re really intent on the breakup sticking — the lighting is so bad that you’ll be able to sit Courtney down and confidently tell every pore in her face that y’all just don’t work. It’s also right across from Jumbo's Clown Room, the perfect place for an ironic post-breakup lap dance/palate cleanser.
5175 Hollywood Blvd., East Hollywood; sanamluangcafe.menutoeat.com.
Your relationship is about to be deader than these dead fuckers.
6. La Brea Tar Pits
A $12 ticket to the La Brea Tar Pits could be the last thing you ever buy your oppressively boring soon-to-be ex! Despite having a fairly large tourist draw, the museum is definitely low-key on weekdays. The clincher: The wafting, ever-present smell of sulfur coming from the pits screams “LET'S NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN.” In fact, after an awkward 15-minute lap around the museum, take Tony to an outside park bench close to one of the pits and let the smell do the talking. He’ll be ancient history — promise.
5801 Wilshire Blvd., Mid-Wilshire; tarpits.org.
Give that wiener the slip over some sausages.
Sure, it’s trendy but everything about this fine purveyor of exotic sausages screams, “Get ready to be blocked on Facebook.” For the guilt-ridden, Wurstküche is great because you can buy yourself and your soon-to-be ex a cheap meal of alligator or rabbit meat, and wolf it down between breakup buzzwords like “timing,” “compatibility” and “shame.” It’s not a romantic place in the least, but it is dark for possible tear-ups. Is your ex all about a scene? Wurstküche's resident DJ will drown out any yelling matches, though there are LOTS of hot mustard bottles for throwing. When you’re done, pop into Pie Hole for a sweet reward — with those mustard bottle–shaped bruises, you’ve earned it.
800 E. Third St., downtown; wurstkuche.com/locations.
"Hi, I'll have a Godmother with a side of GET OUT OF MY LIFE."
4. Bay Cities
Set the scene for heartbreak (and heartburn) with some oily, garlicky delicious Godmothers at one of the outside tables at Bay Cities. This Italian grocery store is a great, low-stakes Westside locale to contemplate what went wrong in your nine-month courtship. And it’ll be hard to tell if the longing in Theresa’s eyes is for what might’ve been or just that she finished her sandwich.
1517 Lincoln Blvd., Santa Monica; baycitiesitaliandeli.com.
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