10 Things To Do on Election Day in Lieu of Compulsively Checking Results

If ever there was an election to ignore, forget or push off a cliff into a pit of sharp, flaming objects, it’s this one. Our electoral college is the laughing stock of the Western world. We have eight Supreme Court justices. Congress is America’s divorced, alcoholic parents who don't talk anymore and behave like goddamn babies.

If you’re reading this, you are burned out. Everything is terrible. It’s one big waking nightmare we’re all squirming through, just trying to get on with our lives. But you can’t look away from the internet. You're still perversely drawn to all the details, tweets and asinine pundits and disgusting opportunists on all sides.

So, after you vote (or abstain, or whatever — no judgments here), don’t go home and pathologically refresh social media and news sites. Instead, there are other, more constructive options in and around town. Here are a few things you can do with your legally mandated two-hour break to vote or otherwise spend the rest of your afternoon.

But first, get off social media. Turn off your phone. Drop out. And ...

This lady's got the right idea; she's shooting for two.
This lady's got the right idea; she's shooting for two.

1. Buy a gun.
Why tiptoe around the obvious? It’s just practical, like an insurance policy. If the sentient Halloween peanut candy wins, you’re probably gonna want one around, like, just in case. If you keep the receipt, you can return it anyway. Not sure about unused bullets, though.

2. Go to a gun range.
Because that’s where you go after you buy a gun. If you’re not sure about this, refer back to item one. Because if you’re going to own a gun, you might as well practice and blow off some steam in a safe environment.
Los Angeles Gun Club, 1375 E. Sixth St. #7, downtown. thelosangelesgunclub.com.

Former Bernie Bro
Former Bernie Bro

3. Get your rocks off at the cat cafe.
What an exhilarating, adrenaline-releasing sesh at the old range. Now that you've got that macho, tough-guy shit out of the way, why not embrace small, fuzzy creatures? Crumbs & Whiskers, the recently opened cat cafe on Melrose, is the perfect place to flex your inner ailuorphile [insert your own “Grab ’em by the pussy” joke here]. Not into cats? Go to one of L.A.'s many dog parks and pet strangers' dogs like a creeper.
Crumbs & Whiskers, 7924 Melrose Ave., Beverly Grove. crumbsandwhiskers.com.

4. Go swimming.
Tuesday's forecast predicts it'll be approaching 90 degrees in parts of the Greater Los Angeles area, a week into November. So just shed your clothes and walk into the ocean or go to one of the many year-round public pools in town. The news cycle hasn't figured out how to penetrate water yet. Yet.

5. Go to a Buddhist temple and shed your mortal desires.
And succumb to the core tenet that existence is suffering. 2016 is proof positive of this bedrock of Buddhist belief. We are terrible. We do terrible things. We suffer. This is natural. Hacienda Heights still boasts the largest Buddhist temple in the West at Hsi Lai Temple, but there are many other options out there.
3456 Glenmark Drive, Hacienda Heights. hsilai.org.



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