Truth is, I've been intrigued by tantra for years. I wanted to know exactly how a seven-hour orgasm worked. I wanted to know how to take a woman to the moon and back so that she'd be so proud she'd want other women to experience my skills. Maybe, just maybe, I could be Sting-lite.
Recently, I got my shot. I went to a weekend workshop created by a woman named Charu Morgan. Her website said there would be no nudity or sexual contact which, on one had, was a relief and on the other, a giant bummer.
The only thing constant in life is that buying condoms is always an awkward experience. In the beginning of one's sexual adolescence it starts out as a downright embarrassing process and only becomes less so with age. Maybe it's because we often don't even call them by their real names, instead only referring to them as ones, or thingies, or supplies.
When they ask what you've got in your pants, "Oh sorry, officer, that's just my dick," isn't what they want to hear, honesty notwithstanding.
Jonah Falcon is a 41-year-old man featured in several documentaries for having one of the world's largest Johnsons. How big is it, you ask? About 9 1/2 inches when limp as cooked spaghetti and 13 1/2 inches long when at full attention.
In order to fulfill their promises, the duo, better known as Sara Jay and Angelina Castro, formed a website, TeamBJNBA, for fans to cash in on their "winnings." They set up the rules of their free giveaway because, you know, if they were actually paid for their services that would be both wrong and illegal. But who are we to judge?
Needless to say, this got the duo in a bit of hot water with the ultra-PC NBA. Not wanting to see their carefully crafted image destroyed, the league moved to stop the giveaway.
A man in England, frustrated at his partner's inability to put down the smash mommy porn hit "Fifty Shades of Grey" decided to take matters into his own hands. Raymond Hodgson, 31, covered her in a substance known as "brown sauce," which is a bit like steak sauce, except more Orwellian and terrifying.
Apparently he didn't approve of it because he considered the book to be porn. This guy must live somewhere without Cinemax. In what is one of the most ploddingly ironic turns in the history of news, Hodgson covered his partners body from head to toe with brown sauce. He squirted it all over her body, caking it in her hair and even getting a little on the walls.
But not as few as you might think.
Are you sitting down for this one? The following information may prove to be invaluable. Heed the calamitous tale of penile fractures! Bumps and bruises in bed -- dramatic and acrobatic penetration -- dick accidents can and do happen.
However, being "the other" is rarely discussed. Books, talk shows, paternity tests -- it's always about the one who cheated and the poor soul who got jilted. But what about the person who decided it'd be a good idea to get in the middle of this now strained, if not unraveling, union? What's his/her deal?
When news emerged recently that plaintiff Henry Wolf of San Francisco was suing BMW America due to claims that his ride on one of their motorcycles in 2010 gave him an erection for almost two years after a four-hour ride, purveyors of common sense ran wild. The libertarians decried it as a case of frivolous lawsuits. Comment section wags on the news websites that so breathlessly reported on the case went double-entendre crazy. And the motorcycle enthusiasts chimed in with their considerable wisdom. "I woulda wrote a thank-you letter!" "Hell, I'd take a BMW K1300R over a Viagra anytime." "Does anybody know if the plaintiff wants to sell the seat?"
The complaint itself was fairly straight-forward in its strangeness. It also names aftermarket motorcycle seat maker Corbin-Pacific in the suit.
"Plaintiff was riding his 1993 BMW motorcycle equipped with a Corbin-Pacific seat. The ride lasted approximately two hours each way to plaintiff's destination, after which plaintiff developed a severe case of priapism (a persistent, lasting erection). Plaintiff alleges that this condition was caused by the ridge-like seat on his motorcycle, negligently designed, manufactured and/or installed by defendants.
"Plaintiff now suffers from priapism (a long lasting erection), and has been experiencing continuing problems since his motorcycle ride. He is now unable to engage in sexual activity, which is causing him substantial emotional and mental anguish. Plaintiff is distraught and distressed because of this. Defendants, and each of them, are liable to plaintiff due [to] their negligent design, manufacture and/or installation of the seat on plaintiff's motorcycle."
Cue the Bob Seger song.