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Nina Hartley's Guide to Threesomes Part 1: Making It Happen

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Mon, Feb 20, 2012 at 12:32 PM

click to enlarge Author, sex expert and porn legend Nina Hartley
  • Author, sex expert and porn legend Nina Hartley

Most of us have entertained the notion of getting it on with two people at once. Fewer of us have actually done it. Author, sex expert and porn legend Nina Hartley, however, has engaged in hundreds of threesomes and even lived in a three-way situation for two decades, so the woman has a tip or two to share on turning this particular fantasy into actual skin on skin on skin action.

In this three-part guide to three-way love, Hartley shares her insights on how to fulfill the fantasy in a way that will leave the whole group feeling satisfied and not the least bit sad, mad or totally creeped out.

In part one, we focus on effectively laying the foundation for group love.

Patience, young Padawan:"Between the expressed, 'Gee, I'd like to do this,' to actually having the experience, it can be months to years in the making," Hartley says. "The groundwork must be laid first: getting clear about one's own sexual issues, insecurities, hurts, fears, history, etc. That goes for each individual.

This won't save your marriage:"The couple must have a strong, vibrant, loving relationship with which they are enhancing with this fun experience. Opening a relationship is a magnifier for the issues in it. If the relationship is unsound, the cracks will open up and it will kill it. If the relationship is sound, then a threesome just is icing on the cupcake. As I say often, 'The more men I fuck, the more I love my husband.' And he would say the same. No outside force can break up a happy relationship.

click to enlarge Play your cards right and you'll be the Meerkat in the middle!
  • Play your cards right and you'll be the Meerkat in the middle!

Talking your significant other into it (won't work):"First, ditch the notion of talking anyone 'into' anything. One's partner is open to the idea or they're not. If one is ready to open the relationship and one's partner is decidedly monogamous, then disaster awaits and the couple is incompatible. If the idea doesn't pretty much equally interest both parties, it must be dropped as a serious topic of discussion and revert back to fantasy. Many mismatched couples make it work by meeting in the middle: the non-open person supports the fantasy and watches threesome porn, and the open person agrees that that's as far as it will go and there will be no pushing, guilt-tripping, etc."

Some useful tips, no matter the gender configuration:"If it's a couple-seeking-single situation, the couple must have a good relationship, with good communication and with a satisfying sexual life already in place. It totally sucks, as the extra person, to feel like a life-preserver for a floundering relationship.

"Each member of the couple must have already addressed, and handled, his or her issues of jealousy, insecurity, etc., BEFORE they attempt to find a third."

Partnering up: "These days, online seems to be the way to go, and there are several sites devoted to finding casual sex partners. I don't use them so I can't actually recommend any from personal experience, but those networking platforms are out there. One can also find one's way into the alt-sex community, which is often populated by swingers, polyamorous folks and others who can be more casual/out there in their sexual encounters."

click to enlarge The Internet -- an ever-useful tool for getting laid
  • The Internet -- an ever-useful tool for getting laid

Get off, with a little help from your friends: "If a couple is particularly frisky, they often will have frisky friends. If one friend seems like an option one can have the conversation with that person. As well, the swinger world is not a bad place for a single to find a couple. It's harder for a couple to find a single, as most swingers are in relationship.

"It's always going to take multiple discussions/negotiations before a suitable partner is located. The transition from fantasy to reality is always a rocky road.

For the truly adventuresome: "One can hire an escort, male or female. The advantages of this are: a guaranteed party, a guarantee that safer-sex practices will be used, no messy aftermath, no weird phone calls, no drama. Plus, one can hire a person who looks like what you want: buff, tattooed, blonde/brunette/redhead, punk, biker dude, corporate executive, etc. Most professionals are very good at putting you at ease and sort of leading the show. There won't be any kissing, but the rest of it will flow nicely."

Tomorrow, Hartley shares exactly what to do, when you're doing two.

Follow @AfterDarkLA on Twitter.

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