There's a new sex machine in town and this one is billed to be stronger, faster and (GASP) louder than the trusted, tried and true Hitachi wand - most American women's go-to source for mind-numbing, no-fail orgasms.
The Rock Box is made by Lovehoney, a Brit company responsible for sex toys such as Death by Orgasm vibrators and the tongue-lapping Sqweel cunnilingus emulator. Their apparent motivation was to offer a massive machine that'd offer mind-numbing vibration at speeds and powers that exceed the Hitachi.
For those of you unfamiliar, go check under the bed of your mom/roommate/girlfriend. See that white wand with a bulbous head? Yeah, that's not for sore muscles - though that was its original selling point. Men and women everywhere took home the Hitachi to hammer out muscle knots but it didn't take long for the ladyfolk to realize their muscles relaxed much faster after taking their new massagers down south.
The only downside is the Hitachi's ability to desensitize women enough to make many vibrators on the market obsolete, expelling barely enough buzz to get them wet enough for foreplay. That makes the Hitachi the only sex toy they could depend on - until now. (Supposedly.)
But take a look at the Rock Box and you might believe you've left the bedroom and entered the tool shed. Its design more closely resembles a circular saw than a sex toy. And honestly it sounds like one, too. But after speaking with Entrenue, one of the American distributors responsible for bringing the Rock Bock to the States, it appears this thing does what it promises - without bodily injury.
"This is something most women want to mount," Entrenue's Lisa Mazurek said. "Every woman's eyes go wide - the vibration resonates deep into the body. It almost shakes you."
The Rock Box is electric and must be plugged into a wall to work, but there's a 20-foot cord that lets you drag it around all over the bedroom/garage without a hitch. And believe it or not, this so-called "orgasm machine" isn't just for women.
There's a pink tongue-like attachment called the Hot Chick but there's also a grey one called the Master Blaster. This flat, rippled surface is made to wobble against the shaft and perineum, and when duty calls it can be help against the corona - the intense cluster of nerves on the underside of the penis head.
But with six speeds - the highest sounding like a jack hammer and fully capable of waking up neighbors - the Rock Box can very easily be way too much for most of us. Even those of us whose vaginas purr after a good Hitachi wallop.
So please, if you find yourself pulling out your credit card and purchasing this sexual power tool be sure to start on the first level and - not kidding - use a small pillow as a barrier. It's the safest way to test the waters without pummeling your pussy into orgasm-less oblivion.