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Tips for Organic Masturbation (i.e. How to Have Sex With Vegetables)

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Tue, Aug 23, 2011 at 3:16 PM
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I hear jokes about people pleasuring themselves with produce. People don't REALLY jerk/jill off with fruits and veggies...do they?

Just wondering, do the jokes start like this?

"A veggie walks into a vagina, and says, 'What's cooking?'"

OK, bad one, but I had to get it out.

Yes, people actually use cucumbers, carrots, zucchini and other long, hard veggies for insertion alone or with a partner – and I've even seen some of the coolest G-spot cucumbers while shopping the aisles of my local grocer.

Some guys even use melons, like honeydew and cantaloupe, to screw with. While the veggie can't, or won't consent, nobody is actually harmed in the making of masturbation with fruits and veggies, and the most unsafe time to use the veggie would be in the supermarket before you buy it.

If you're going to use a vegetable for masturbation, and want to keep it safe,  wash it off before you use it. Using a long veggie, one that would be inserted into the vagina should be covered with a condom for even safer sex, and this will also help avoid getting whatever was sprayed on said veggie up and in you.

You don't want to use a veggie in the backdoor, since what goes up the black hole of “ur”anus won't necessarily (or easily) come back down. But in the vagina, using a veggie once is safe enough.

I wouldn't peel said veggie though before use. And avoid bananas, as they're sweet and sugar can cause yeast infections up there.

The bonus about masturbating with veggies is that afterwards you can cut them up and make a satisfying meal, too.

As for the melons guys may use, I'm not sure I'd eat it afterwards, or at least I'd cut way around the hole they made for fornication, but again, it's not unsafe to try.

Just don't think his penis is going to pop the hole - cut a hole first, before he starts to screw with the fruit. And he can try a banana peel (sans banana) for a cool new masturbation sleeve too.

Check out "Getting Off: A Woman's Guide to Masturbation" for more jill-off tips!

Twitter.com/jamye.

Image: Simon Howden.

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