It's not easy being a stripper. I don't know if any of you have ever tried it, either professionally or privately, but there's more to it than meets the eye. I've done it a few times and not only is it hard on your body, but you also have to sell the idea of sex, and project "sexy" even when you're not feeling it.
But more on that later.
When I turned 45 last month I threw myself a huge-ass birthday bash and broadcast a live radio show from the Spearmint Rhino strip club, a place I love to party.
(Most hang-outs in L.A. have a ratio of more guys to girls, no matter who you invite, so the strip club was a great solution - the venue already comes pre-stocked chock-full of chicks.)
I had a big shindig there last year for my 44th, but this one was more of a milestone since I am now only five years away from turning 50 - tick-tock clock! Not that you'd ever guess it by looking at me, my vagina, or my other body parts - neck, hands, legs, ass and stomach - thank the lord.
It's one thing to admit to being a certain age, and quite another not to look like it. I love telling people how old I am.
Most women on their way to hitting the half century mark would never enter an establishment full of half-dressed sexy-assed 20-something's. Not only did I decide to have my birthday gathering at the Rhino again this year, but also I continued a two-year tradition of throwing my old lady bones (as my Single Life podcast co-host Yanira calls them) up on stage and giving the cheering crowd a show - which I know for a fact was caught on camera by at least one person.
There was no birthday suit wearing on my birthday. And I didn't go sans bra because I couldn't have those pictures floating around, but I did remove several layers of clothes during my routine.
In L.A., dance clubs that serve alcohol are "topless only" or "bikini bars." The ones with full nudity do not serve alcohol. They must think a man can't be trusted with a drink in his hand and a naked vagina in his face. You never know what he's capable of when his inhibitions are lowered and his judgment impaired - he could leap across the table and attack it! [Sarcastic eye roll.]
Yanira went with me to Victoria's Secret earlier in the day to help me find a strip outfit. Hours later we settled on a 1950's sheer black lacey lingerie top and pantaloons combo with a cute bra and panties set for my bottom layer.
I wore this four-piece ensemble as my party outfit, with some tight jeans on top. Hidden beneath was a pair of black fishnets that pressed waffle patterns into my skin.
I was reminded once again that it isn't easy being a stripper. I felt like a sausage. Notwithstanding the multiple layers of clothes on my body, I was on the rag and totally bloated. On top of everything else, my choice of footwear was limited.
A few months ago I fell into a pothole and sprained my right ankle pretty bad, and I only just graduated from wearing a sleek high-tech Robo-boot to a wooden old lady orthopedic Velcro shoe. The only shoe that sorta kinda matched its Superman blue hue was my left Converse sneaker.
Aside from it being the un-sexiest accessory ever, the orthopedic "boot" made it impossible to take off my pants without having to sit down. Not the sexiest stripper move on the planet.
Adult entertainers don't get enough credit for how hard they work; it's not just about looking hot and smelling great. It's about having the right attitude on the job regardless of their mood.
Similar to pro athletes, the strippers I've met are focused, dedicated and professional. They display great physical strength and stamina with bodies that are finely tuned and well-oiled with hours spent perfecting their signature moves.
I've become friends with a few of the ladies outside of work. In fact, I've taken one of them, a chick named Alabama, under my wing and given her a job as the new intern on The Single Life Podcast! She's smart, she's hungry, and she wants to learn broadcasting. I've already had her on the show as a guest several times and she's fascinatingly free with her sexuality. Plus I like her voice.
For the 5th year in a row it was raining on my birthday and I was concerned that the weather would keep people from making the drive to the club. But despite the torrential downpour, Alabama said that our crowd broke the location's record for dances that night - 800!
When it comes to a good night at the strip club, it's the quality of the customer that counts.
"You want the ones who spend their money versus the others who just stand around staring," Alabama says.
And while you're at it, here are 12 things every stripper wishes her client would know before coming to the club.
Take notes, gentlemen. Remember what Alabama says: Quality will get you places.
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