I spent my VD with two lady friends who all agreed that getting Mortified (the proper noun, not the emotion) was a great way to spend the night. We listened to tales of high school obsessions (with accused rapist William Kennedy Smith to be specific), accidental tranny blowjobs (we were writhing in our seats during that story), songs written in mourning of lost middle-school soul mates, and high school band renditions of Beyonce's "Crazy In Love."
But while the three of us were holed safely at King King in Hollywood listening to everyone else's doomed love stories, several disappointments and/or surprises were going down around the city.
Some of you shared yours with me. So I thought I'd return the favor.
After a bottle and a pie and a half gone, Christina brought out a card and several little gifts for Frank. Then Frank* brought out a Hustler Hollywood bag with classic Pocket Rocket and Hitachi Magic Wand vibrators inside.
"I saw a girl on YouTube have an orgasm using these so I thought I'd get you one," Frank said. He looked proud and pleased.
It didn't matter that Christina and Frank have never had an issue in the bedroom when it comes to O faces. What struck her was the fact that she's the marketing director at a SEX TOY COMPANY. Not only does she have her own motorized masturbatory set-up at home, but she's got access to any toy she'd ever want.
"I still love him of course but I can't believe how stupid my boyfriend is," Christina said. "No card. No flowers. He didn't even wrap the sex toys. I kinda was hoping for something...I dunno, romantic?"
So the super-crush of the moment is Adam Young of Owl City and when he found out about Taylor's pseudo-creepy shout-out, he didn't vomit. He waited until Valentine's Day to respond with (hack, ralph) his own version of the song she wrote in his honor (retch, hurl.)
"I was enchanted to meet you too. Love, Adam"
Shoot me in the face.
Loverwood433: "Ever met a guy who had his heart broken one year ago today only to turn to the Internet to find the love of his life and help heal his wound?"
Uh, barf. A box of tissues and "Love Actually" on Blu-ray will heal you faster than any chick you meet using that line.
NorwayOrBust: "I was gonna click away from your profile but it kept making me laugh. Yeesh with a sense of humor like that there's no way you have bad luck meeting people the old fashioned way."
If it were that easy being so hilarious and awesome, she wouldn't have resorted to creating such an amazing dating site profile, dontchya think?
BestGuy4u: "If someone asked you to do something nasty, but not sexual, for $5,000 would you do it?"
You have GOT to be kidding me. Up the ante to at least five figures and he might have the pleasure of receiving a considerate "WTF."
And then the chef shows up. He'd been following his Twitter feed while cooking (uh...OK) and, after picking out from the crowd the only blond simultaneously tapping on her iPhone and sucking down oysters, came to the table with a massive dessert. For free.
High off of sugar and a little ego, the two headed to Seersucker where Top Chef Brian Malarkey proceeded to shower them with a five-course meal complete with shortribs and a red velvet sundae. All because The Driller's galpal complained about half-assed crabcakes she had months earlier.
See? Twitter not only can rally entire communities to protest and overthrow a government. It also can turn an otherwise banal Valentine's Day into a night to...well...Tweet about.
But then "ding ding!" TEXT MESSAGE. From none other than the boner-photo turned Shakespearean sexter. But this wasn't a check-in, nor was it even an expression of his sex-crazed imagination.
It was a simple "Happy Valentine's Day" with an accompanying photo. But rather than flesh and bone(r) the pic depicted how he was spending his evening.
"I'm with my two loves. My dog and 'Family Guy.'"
From my iPhone screen a little Chihuahua looked up at me while sprawled across the young man's torso, which was clad in a black T-shirt. Adorable.
But all I could think was, "Damn his abs look good."
So yeah. I masturbated and fell asleep. Cupid's arrow missed again.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent/embarrassed.