"Our community has been pioneers in love," Brandon says. "We've insisted on loving someone of the same sex despite many people telling us we were sick or wrong. Now we have to love our enemies. It's not just needed but necessary. If we want any real change in our own lives and in our community, we have to love. That's when the real change will happen — when the gay community has more self-love."
Corpus Christi has drawn protests from religious groups, and Brandon regularly receives letters warning him that he's going to hell. None of that fazes him — he writes back, telling them he understands their passion, and that they are in his prayers.
"It's not an easy path, at first, to live a more authentic, conscious path," Brandon says. "We have the opportunity to make an impact in this world. Why are we here? Just to be miserable? No. It's to be happy and give back to the world. To go against that goes against your true nature of being."
Many religious leaders, such as Rev. Jerry Falwell, TV evangelist Pat Robertson and influential evangelical writer and radio host James Dobson, among others, have used God's "word" as proof that gays are sinners and lead unnatural lives.
But for decades gays and lesbians have turned their lives around aided by spiritual concepts, most notably those of Alcoholics Anonymous, which has thrived in gay communities in West Hollywood, Los Angeles and elsewhere.
Toby Johnson, the Austin-based writer of the award-winning book Gay Spirituality, tells the Weekly that spirituality can be especially helpful in guiding gay men to treat themselves and each other with more respect. "What the spiritual traditions offer is a sense of meaning in life for everyone," Johnson says. "Things matter. God, or a higher power, loves you, and that matters. If you don't have meaning, then nothing matters."
Johnson isn't shy in arguing that tapping the inner self can lead to more deeply felt sexual relationships: "Gay spirituality can find the spiritual meaning of sex," Johnson says, "of a way of communing with someone rather than just getting your rocks off."
Rev. Dr. Neil Thomas, of the Metropolitan Community Church in Los Angeles, a Christian fellowship that specifically reaches out to the LGBT community, says, "We are body, mind and spirit, and we need all those things to be healthy. Too often we separate them, and that leads to unhealthy lives."
In fact, a new University of Missouri study found that people who reported experiencing higher levels of spirituality also reported higher levels of mental health.
Thomas suggests that gay men, especially those who are suffering, should squarely face themselves in the mirror. "We need to do a reality check of our self-esteem," he says. "Because if we can't have a right relationship with ourselves, we can't have it with others."
James Langteaux, author of Gay Conversations With God, says gay-rights leaders could be models for the gay population if they adopted the nonviolence methods of Gandhi's satyagraha, which offers building blocks for cultivating love and respect for yourself and others, including your enemies.
"It's very counterintuitive, but history has shown it works," says Langteaux, noting that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and the lesser-known gay-rights group Soulforce have used satyagraha. If tapped by the LGBT community, "The anger inside ourselves will evaporate," he suggests.
Courage Campaign founder Jacobs, who regularly fights gay-rights battles, isn't sure that adopting the Gandhi model would work in achieving political victories. "It's certainly something we should see more of in our movement," Jacobs says. "But in moving a political agenda, you have to be tough."
Sitting in the backyard of his Sherman Oaks home below a circling hawk, James Brandon recalls how his verbally abusive, alcoholic father struck his mother and sometimes smacked him with a belt. His parents divorced when he was young.
Says Brandon, "I blamed my dad for a lot of my issues and insecurities."
When Brandon was in middle school and still in the closet, kids bullied him because he came off as gay. His mom gave him Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People. "It taught me that people do their thing and I can't stop them," Brandon says of the classic self-help book.
When he was a senior, his hard-drinking father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Brandon let go of the past and went to the hospital nearly every day. In an act far more personal than any he had experienced with his dad, he gave the dying man comforting massages. They bonded, and his father promised to live long enough to see Brandon graduate. His father watched a video of the high school ceremony. He passed away two days later.
"I was abused as a kid," Brandon says, "and that's an easy way to escape from myself and not take responsibility for myself."
But he rejected the role of victim, and now focuses on making healthy choices.
Brandon is hopeful because gay men as a cultural force "are heading in that direction," he says. "But more people need to live it — and speak out."
Reach the writer at pmcdonald@laweekly.com.
Photography by Anne Fishbein
Thank you for courageously helping people move toward their own well-being instead of being stuck in victim-thinking. I am planning to carry this article with me all the time to help me when I get trapped in a conversation with a victimologist.
Loretta Breuning
Meet Your Happy Chemicals
www.MeetYourHappyChemicals.com
Thanks for an interesting article on happiness, health, and tangentially, HIV/AIDS in the gay community.
I'd like to add one specific comment re "Young guys who run with a promiscuous crowd in Los Angeles or West Hollywood and who engage in barebacking — two high-risk factors for getting HIV — are setting a norm for themselves and others, although they may not realize it. Weinberg argues that, as long as they choose that crowd, chances are good that these young men will act like their peers — dramatically upping the chances they will become HIV-positive."
This statement seems to border on stigmatizing the act of having sex -- as if the choice to "run with a promiscuous crowd" is somehow a negative one.
While few would argue that unprotected sex is a higher-risk behavior that can lead to HIV infection, what seems to be missing is a sex-positive perspective. That is, sex can be healthy and fulfilling -- key to the happiness and satisfaction that men, gay or straight, seek. Safer sex? Certainly. Less safe sex that's fueled solely by misuse of alcohol or drugs or driven by addiction? Of course not. But safer sex, whether it's frequent or not, can be a key part of a happy, healthy life for any man.
Gabriel McGowan
Director of Communications
AIDS Project Los Angeles
1 Like
I think, or hope what he is intending to say is that there is a balance between both social and independent stressors. What I've noticed as a gay man growing up in Los Angeles is that societal bigotry has caused homosexuals to create what would be considered a social safe haven (i.e. West Hollywood) in which people are free to walk around, hold hands, etc without being stared at or heckled. The downside to this safe haven is that these concentrated environments tend to have a hive mind affect (just like it would any culture) in which people hyper focus on whatever most commonly appeals to that culture. In religious cultures it is obviously their bible and in ours it is obviously "fun" and the social expression of our sexuality, (meaning gender preference, not just sex), muscle build (I say muscle build because there is nothing physically fit about a man who works out five days a week and then relegates that physical stress to binge drinking and cocaine). These cases lead to what you see now.
It should be noted that I am a gay man who is 23 and agnostic. While I don't necessarily see religion or spirituality as backbone needed for my morality (which is very traditional morality) I can see how this is an outreach for people who would need such a tool. I am constantly ridiculed by my culture for my traditional needs and I'm seen as a prude. You are hearing it from the horses mouth that being ostracized and alienated happens on both sides.
It is societies fault for forcing us into safe havens, but it is our choice what we do when we're inside. Heterosexuals rarely if ever ridicule us for not having six packs, clean haircuts and certainly not for the hair on our bodies. These we need to take responsibility for.
I have made it my choice a year or so back to exclude myself from West Hollywood. I respect what it offers people but I had an epiphany that I'd rather be around a society in which I have one thing uncommon with rather than one where I have only one thing in common with.
1 Like
@VInnie Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Vinnie. I wrote the piece for all gay men, but I particularly tried to gear it towards gay men in the 20s and 30s. It seems you got something from it, and that's what makes my day as a journalist--and inspires me to continue with my work. I would suggest that you stick by your guns and never sell out your own values and ideals. I think you'll receive a lot of satisfaction and joy down the road by living that way. I've often taken the road less traveled, and it's been a wonderful, self-satisfying experience that I have never regretted.
Take care,
Patrick Range McDonald
LA Weekly
Sheep's Clothing
The stressors mentioned in this article are not just part of some generalized, collective victim identity. The stressors are physically, socially, politically and often violently manifested in this culture and around the world. I was bullied as a young gay man, pushed around, spit on and believed I was going to hell because that's what the religion I was brought up in taught me to believe. My own father told me that homosexuality was second only to murder in the eyes of the lord. A childhood friend of mine was beaten and raped by group of straight boys for being gay. He grew up to be promiscuous and a heavy drinker - as I'm sure many people who are sexually exploited at a young age grow up to be (gay or straight) - and eventually died of AIDS. Most of the gay men I know have had very real experiences with bigotry and hatred in their life, so to imply that minority stressors are some kind of self imposed excuse to languish in addiction and self-pity is to turn a biased and blind eye to reality.
I'm all for taking responsibility for yourself as an adult and I am very leery of the lifestyle promoted in communities like West Hollywood, but the implication that if you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, go to church and maybe find a partner the addictions and the social and mental issues that plague LGBT communities (not to mention the political struggles) will suddenly diminish is not only misguided, but sounds like a dangerous game of blame the victim - a game that has been going on for quite sometime from outside the community.
I was very intrigued by the title of the article and hopeful that I might find a real exploration of positive role models for LGBT people, but instead find some kind of admonishment for bad behavior and anecdotes about the decadent and self-destructive gay life in WeHo. Not exactly a new angle nor helpful in any way that I can see.
@Dissappointed Hi Disappointed. Much thanks for reading. I'm sorry to hear you're disappointed. I made a point of offering some solutions, but I only had 4,000 words to write this piece and there was a lot of information to cover.
The solutions involved the section with Thomas Weinberg and being aware of certain choices, the ideas of spirituality (which you appear to be confusing with religion when you mention going to church, but maybe I'm wrong about what you're implying), and talking about ideas of self-empowerment.
From my experience, we need to be first aware of problems before we can move forward with solutions, so that's why I mentioned the problems. I was certainly not trying to admonish anyone. That was never my intention.
I was simply laying everything out there, which many gay leaders and other folks don't want to discuss publicly. But if we don't discuss problems openly and publicly, we'll continue to do those problematic things. I would also say that there are several positive role models in the piece, especially James Brandon. But you also had Matthew Mishory, Tony Sweet, and several others speaking their truth and looking for another way. History is filled with positive gay role models as well, and I've been undertaking a regular column to showcase them.
Take care, and hope you're well.
Patrick Range McDonald,
LA Weekly
I think the gay scene itself contributes to depression. Most gay meeting places are built on a sex act. I can't think of anything more depressing than building your social life on a sex act. There's also a lot of appearance fascism on the gay scene - if you don't look a certain way, you're not wanted. It's bound to make you feel depressed when you're rejected simply for not looking a certain way.
I would recommend that gay men get out of the gay scene. Go and mix with the mainstream. The mainstream is more balanced and less appearance-obsessed.
@prmcdonald congrats on making the cover! picked up a copy. Good read. Happiness/self-unfufillment are emotions EVERYONE feels.
Lucas, maybe you'd be more happy and fulfilled by finding another way to make a living rather then being a vehicle for annonomous, cowardly hate.
This is a very interesting and obviously sincere article. But "spirituality" is as much an addiction as booze. I hope I'm not the only one who remembers that con-woman Louise Hay.
As for the rest --
@cllrdr Hi Cllrdr, Thanks for reading and your comments. And thanks to everyone for reading and their comments. I'm not exactly sure how spirituality is an addiction. That doesn't sound true to me, and I don't think I've ever seen spirituality listed as an addiction by medical professionals somewhere. Also, there are many, many people who have improved their lives through spirituality--and I'm not talking religion. Addictions tend to damage or destroy lives one way or another.
You're also doing something that's very common among people who mix up personalities with certain principles. I don't know anything about Louise Hay, but why would anyone allow one person's actions take something away that's potentially good for you?
Thanks for the video, although I'm not sure how it fits with this article. There's always time to have fun, but let's take the dialogue up another notch for the moment, shall we? We all have wonderful gifts to share with the world, so how do we get there in a way that's healthy and fulfilling and true? This article is one attempt to start that dialogue.
Take care,
Patrick Range McDonald,
LA Weekly
So we're going to blame society for drug and alcohol abuse? No personal responsibility? Nice.
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Matthew Mishory says, "Too many gay men are competing with each other and tearing each other down...." Absolutely true! One needs to go no further than wehoconfidential.com to see this. Being the outcast bullied gay kid in your high school is nothing compared to the hate spewed on that website. The website is the embodiment of the self-hatred endured (and thus projected onto others) by gay men in West Hollywood. Instead of making choices to take control of their lives, these gay men would rather put down others. It’s then and only then their miserable lives seem less miserable in comparison. I’m glad gay culture is dying. We once needed a community we felt a part of; that would protect us, and stand with us in the battle against bigotry and hatred. Now we need loving a loving family and friends, gay and straight, to protect us from the community (as exemplified by wehoconfidential).
I don't care for the word reaction. I feel it is more of an effect brought on by bigotry. When people are raised in a culture to feel shame, guilt, etc. they shrink to the outskirts of society--as a racist and bigoted culture would prefer them to be. Unfortunately, society then has the audacity to ask them, why don't you get a real relationship, get off drugs, etc. Perhaps because society won't allow them to take ownership of who they are.
Since being psychologically abused as a child causes psychological problems for adults, one knows that we Gays will have a rather high incidence of psychological issues. One grows up in a society where its leaders in Congress and in churches and often in our own homes blame everything on us including 9-11. In fact, aren't we the ones who coined the phrase, "He has issues."
My party days are over and I loved them when I had them, but they were not the ones of desperation and drugs that make the news. We were mostly young professionals and business owners with some med students, law students, etc. For obvious reasons, age stratification in the Gay community is not the same as in the Straight world. We had our businesses to run in addition to our daily gym visits. Since I don't drink or do drugs, if drug abuse was happening on a large scale, I did not really notice.
If there is one thing I do know about being Gay, it is that Gay is Good. Gay is Great! I do not recall deciding to be Gay, but if I did make that choice, it was the best choice I ever made in my entire life. If I get to go around again and get to chose, Yes, I choose to be Gay. Hurray for being Gay!!!
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