"People think that if they don't fit in here," Extein says, "then where will they fit in? So they try really hard to fit in, but it doesn't always make them feel happy."
Not much of a drinker, and not much of a follower, Extein finds his mind sometimes wandering into "dark places." His blue moods, though, have nothing to do with the stress of being a sexual minority. "It's more about the gay world than being gay," he says.
Extein is hoping that influencers in the gay community will speak up. "We need leaders to talk about these things," he says.
These four gay men's thoughts and experiences are not uncommon, especially among those coming of age in their 20s — the same group that has seen an increase in HIV infections.
The gay-rights movement is still largely focused on problems that arise from its long fight for civil rights: legalizing gay marriage, monitoring homophobic words and deeds by political and religious leaders and, most recently, boycotting Chick-fil-A fast-food restaurants because the chain's president, Dan Cathy, opposes gay marriage. A number of critics of the traditional gay leadership say these battles don't directly pertain to the daily well-being of most gay men.
"The issue of a health crisis has been totally replaced by gay marriage, but gay marriage doesn't have as much relevance to our community," says AIDS Healthcare's Weinstein, who's been fighting for HIV/AIDS prevention and health care since the 1980s. "The civil rights issue is very important, but it's not that relevant to our everyday lives."
LGBT health experts have done little research on gay individuals' internal "social stressors" — the personal attitudes and choices that John, Sweet, Mishory and Extein talk about — that rise from within and which may have more negative effects on gay health and well-being than historic discrimination.
"No study comes to mind," says Dr. Jason Schneider, former president and current board member of the Washington, D.C.–based Gay & Lesbian Medical Association, an advocacy organization.
Kellan Baker, a highly regarded LGBT health-policy analyst at the Washington, D.C.–based Center for American Progress, can't think of such an analysis, either. Neither of these experts can name a long-term study that looks into how happy, healthy gay men live and make choices — knowledge that could be a valuable tool.
That's astonishes many people, since "positive psychology," which emphasizes discovering and employing healthy behaviors that make people happy before they develop mental illness, has become hugely popular since the late 1990s.
"We don't have enough research on what it means to be healthy," says nationally recognized sex addiction expert and L.A. therapist Robert Weiss, who wrote Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men. "We should know what a life of a healthy gay man or lesbian looks like from age 19 to 50."
Harvard University undertook just such a study for all men, not gay men — its widely cited Grant Study. Launched in 1938, it has tracked the health and well-being of more than 260 men throughout their lives. But Weiss says that when it comes to gay men, research dollars from the federal government, mental health organizations and the medical industry are funneled largely into gay pathology rather than well-being. The big bucks, he says, are tied to pharmaceutical cures for what ails gays, not prevention.
"It's hard to get attention or money for LGBT health," says Baker, who worked on the federal "Healthy People 2020" plan, a national blueprint for improving health among all Americans. But, he laments, "There's no coherent research agenda" among gay leaders and a great dearth of research. Baker takes direct aim at the established gay-rights movement, saying that gay men's mental and physical health is a low priority among gay political influencers.
A landmark 2011 report on the health of the LGBT community by the national Institute of Medicine noted that gays have "unique health experiences, but as a nation, we do not know exactly what these experiences and needs are." The report found that not enough research has been attempted or data collected — echoing Schneider, Weiss and Baker.
Yet Schneider, of the Gay & Lesbian Medical Association, is firmly in the conventional-wisdom camp, preferring to talk about Ilan Meyer's minority stress model and gay health-care politics — with their focus on outside forces. "It's very easy to come off as, 'All LGBT people are sick,' " he says, "and right-wing organizations use that against us. So we have to be careful, and note that most gay men are healthy."
As for a gay leader who is challenging this conventional wisdom, Schneider says, "I don't think we have that person talking that way now."
Cary Harrison, a syndicated radio talk show host heard on KPFK's "Go Harrison" and a longtime resident of West Hollywood, says, "A lot of our culture is based on window dressing because it's something we can sell pretty easily, and we can sell our victimhood pretty easily." He'd love to see a Tony Robbins–type character "for gay people, so we can recapture the wonderful spirit we all have in ourselves. We have such an innate, incomparable power and I'd love to see us get that back. We're capable of extraordinary things."
Thank you for courageously helping people move toward their own well-being instead of being stuck in victim-thinking. I am planning to carry this article with me all the time to help me when I get trapped in a conversation with a victimologist.
Loretta Breuning
Meet Your Happy Chemicals
www.MeetYourHappyChemicals.com
Thanks for an interesting article on happiness, health, and tangentially, HIV/AIDS in the gay community.
I'd like to add one specific comment re "Young guys who run with a promiscuous crowd in Los Angeles or West Hollywood and who engage in barebacking — two high-risk factors for getting HIV — are setting a norm for themselves and others, although they may not realize it. Weinberg argues that, as long as they choose that crowd, chances are good that these young men will act like their peers — dramatically upping the chances they will become HIV-positive."
This statement seems to border on stigmatizing the act of having sex -- as if the choice to "run with a promiscuous crowd" is somehow a negative one.
While few would argue that unprotected sex is a higher-risk behavior that can lead to HIV infection, what seems to be missing is a sex-positive perspective. That is, sex can be healthy and fulfilling -- key to the happiness and satisfaction that men, gay or straight, seek. Safer sex? Certainly. Less safe sex that's fueled solely by misuse of alcohol or drugs or driven by addiction? Of course not. But safer sex, whether it's frequent or not, can be a key part of a happy, healthy life for any man.
Gabriel McGowan
Director of Communications
AIDS Project Los Angeles
1 Like
I think, or hope what he is intending to say is that there is a balance between both social and independent stressors. What I've noticed as a gay man growing up in Los Angeles is that societal bigotry has caused homosexuals to create what would be considered a social safe haven (i.e. West Hollywood) in which people are free to walk around, hold hands, etc without being stared at or heckled. The downside to this safe haven is that these concentrated environments tend to have a hive mind affect (just like it would any culture) in which people hyper focus on whatever most commonly appeals to that culture. In religious cultures it is obviously their bible and in ours it is obviously "fun" and the social expression of our sexuality, (meaning gender preference, not just sex), muscle build (I say muscle build because there is nothing physically fit about a man who works out five days a week and then relegates that physical stress to binge drinking and cocaine). These cases lead to what you see now.
It should be noted that I am a gay man who is 23 and agnostic. While I don't necessarily see religion or spirituality as backbone needed for my morality (which is very traditional morality) I can see how this is an outreach for people who would need such a tool. I am constantly ridiculed by my culture for my traditional needs and I'm seen as a prude. You are hearing it from the horses mouth that being ostracized and alienated happens on both sides.
It is societies fault for forcing us into safe havens, but it is our choice what we do when we're inside. Heterosexuals rarely if ever ridicule us for not having six packs, clean haircuts and certainly not for the hair on our bodies. These we need to take responsibility for.
I have made it my choice a year or so back to exclude myself from West Hollywood. I respect what it offers people but I had an epiphany that I'd rather be around a society in which I have one thing uncommon with rather than one where I have only one thing in common with.
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@VInnie Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Vinnie. I wrote the piece for all gay men, but I particularly tried to gear it towards gay men in the 20s and 30s. It seems you got something from it, and that's what makes my day as a journalist--and inspires me to continue with my work. I would suggest that you stick by your guns and never sell out your own values and ideals. I think you'll receive a lot of satisfaction and joy down the road by living that way. I've often taken the road less traveled, and it's been a wonderful, self-satisfying experience that I have never regretted.
Take care,
Patrick Range McDonald
LA Weekly
Sheep's Clothing
The stressors mentioned in this article are not just part of some generalized, collective victim identity. The stressors are physically, socially, politically and often violently manifested in this culture and around the world. I was bullied as a young gay man, pushed around, spit on and believed I was going to hell because that's what the religion I was brought up in taught me to believe. My own father told me that homosexuality was second only to murder in the eyes of the lord. A childhood friend of mine was beaten and raped by group of straight boys for being gay. He grew up to be promiscuous and a heavy drinker - as I'm sure many people who are sexually exploited at a young age grow up to be (gay or straight) - and eventually died of AIDS. Most of the gay men I know have had very real experiences with bigotry and hatred in their life, so to imply that minority stressors are some kind of self imposed excuse to languish in addiction and self-pity is to turn a biased and blind eye to reality.
I'm all for taking responsibility for yourself as an adult and I am very leery of the lifestyle promoted in communities like West Hollywood, but the implication that if you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, go to church and maybe find a partner the addictions and the social and mental issues that plague LGBT communities (not to mention the political struggles) will suddenly diminish is not only misguided, but sounds like a dangerous game of blame the victim - a game that has been going on for quite sometime from outside the community.
I was very intrigued by the title of the article and hopeful that I might find a real exploration of positive role models for LGBT people, but instead find some kind of admonishment for bad behavior and anecdotes about the decadent and self-destructive gay life in WeHo. Not exactly a new angle nor helpful in any way that I can see.
@Dissappointed Hi Disappointed. Much thanks for reading. I'm sorry to hear you're disappointed. I made a point of offering some solutions, but I only had 4,000 words to write this piece and there was a lot of information to cover.
The solutions involved the section with Thomas Weinberg and being aware of certain choices, the ideas of spirituality (which you appear to be confusing with religion when you mention going to church, but maybe I'm wrong about what you're implying), and talking about ideas of self-empowerment.
From my experience, we need to be first aware of problems before we can move forward with solutions, so that's why I mentioned the problems. I was certainly not trying to admonish anyone. That was never my intention.
I was simply laying everything out there, which many gay leaders and other folks don't want to discuss publicly. But if we don't discuss problems openly and publicly, we'll continue to do those problematic things. I would also say that there are several positive role models in the piece, especially James Brandon. But you also had Matthew Mishory, Tony Sweet, and several others speaking their truth and looking for another way. History is filled with positive gay role models as well, and I've been undertaking a regular column to showcase them.
Take care, and hope you're well.
Patrick Range McDonald,
LA Weekly
I think the gay scene itself contributes to depression. Most gay meeting places are built on a sex act. I can't think of anything more depressing than building your social life on a sex act. There's also a lot of appearance fascism on the gay scene - if you don't look a certain way, you're not wanted. It's bound to make you feel depressed when you're rejected simply for not looking a certain way.
I would recommend that gay men get out of the gay scene. Go and mix with the mainstream. The mainstream is more balanced and less appearance-obsessed.
@prmcdonald congrats on making the cover! picked up a copy. Good read. Happiness/self-unfufillment are emotions EVERYONE feels.
Lucas, maybe you'd be more happy and fulfilled by finding another way to make a living rather then being a vehicle for annonomous, cowardly hate.
This is a very interesting and obviously sincere article. But "spirituality" is as much an addiction as booze. I hope I'm not the only one who remembers that con-woman Louise Hay.
As for the rest --
@cllrdr Hi Cllrdr, Thanks for reading and your comments. And thanks to everyone for reading and their comments. I'm not exactly sure how spirituality is an addiction. That doesn't sound true to me, and I don't think I've ever seen spirituality listed as an addiction by medical professionals somewhere. Also, there are many, many people who have improved their lives through spirituality--and I'm not talking religion. Addictions tend to damage or destroy lives one way or another.
You're also doing something that's very common among people who mix up personalities with certain principles. I don't know anything about Louise Hay, but why would anyone allow one person's actions take something away that's potentially good for you?
Thanks for the video, although I'm not sure how it fits with this article. There's always time to have fun, but let's take the dialogue up another notch for the moment, shall we? We all have wonderful gifts to share with the world, so how do we get there in a way that's healthy and fulfilling and true? This article is one attempt to start that dialogue.
Take care,
Patrick Range McDonald,
LA Weekly
So we're going to blame society for drug and alcohol abuse? No personal responsibility? Nice.
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Matthew Mishory says, "Too many gay men are competing with each other and tearing each other down...." Absolutely true! One needs to go no further than wehoconfidential.com to see this. Being the outcast bullied gay kid in your high school is nothing compared to the hate spewed on that website. The website is the embodiment of the self-hatred endured (and thus projected onto others) by gay men in West Hollywood. Instead of making choices to take control of their lives, these gay men would rather put down others. It’s then and only then their miserable lives seem less miserable in comparison. I’m glad gay culture is dying. We once needed a community we felt a part of; that would protect us, and stand with us in the battle against bigotry and hatred. Now we need loving a loving family and friends, gay and straight, to protect us from the community (as exemplified by wehoconfidential).
I don't care for the word reaction. I feel it is more of an effect brought on by bigotry. When people are raised in a culture to feel shame, guilt, etc. they shrink to the outskirts of society--as a racist and bigoted culture would prefer them to be. Unfortunately, society then has the audacity to ask them, why don't you get a real relationship, get off drugs, etc. Perhaps because society won't allow them to take ownership of who they are.
Since being psychologically abused as a child causes psychological problems for adults, one knows that we Gays will have a rather high incidence of psychological issues. One grows up in a society where its leaders in Congress and in churches and often in our own homes blame everything on us including 9-11. In fact, aren't we the ones who coined the phrase, "He has issues."
My party days are over and I loved them when I had them, but they were not the ones of desperation and drugs that make the news. We were mostly young professionals and business owners with some med students, law students, etc. For obvious reasons, age stratification in the Gay community is not the same as in the Straight world. We had our businesses to run in addition to our daily gym visits. Since I don't drink or do drugs, if drug abuse was happening on a large scale, I did not really notice.
If there is one thing I do know about being Gay, it is that Gay is Good. Gay is Great! I do not recall deciding to be Gay, but if I did make that choice, it was the best choice I ever made in my entire life. If I get to go around again and get to chose, Yes, I choose to be Gay. Hurray for being Gay!!!
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