"All the sociological factors are just an explanation after the fact," argues iconoclastic AIDS Healthcare Foundation president Michael Weinstein, who agrees with Weinberg. "It's an excuse. It may even be a valid one, but it's still an excuse."
"It's not outside of us but within us if real change is going to happen," says Brandon, who was bullied in middle school and now is spearheading a fledgling LGBT self-empowerment campaign called I Am Love. "I don't deny the fact that those studies are out there, but none of that matters to me. I don't let any of those [social stressors] disempower me."
For Brandon and others, the new gay frontier is no longer solely a fight for equal rights.
Lucas John is a 29-year-old man-about-town who created the gay gossip blog WeHo Confidential. He moved to heavily gay West Hollywood from West Covina when he was 22, looking to be among his own and to find a special guy.
Seven years later, he's utterly disillusioned with the gay scene in L.A. and West Hollywood. "There's no such thing as love in L.A.," John says. "It's almost entirely gone. It's a great place to be single. It's not a great place if you want to find love."
Gregarious and quick-witted, John is still seeking that special guy. His social routine, however, often centers on looking for hookups online, sometimes having unprotected sex, and drinking and partying with friends looking for good times, casual sex and, often, a sugar daddy to pay the bar tab at night's end.
"When I was younger, I thought I could sleep my way into being loved," John says, "and that's just not how it works. ... People who think they can sleep around and get ahead are delusional. It doesn't happen. But there are many people who are willing to take advantage of those people and then discard them."
John often feels angry, lonely and confused. Asked if his actions and choices in friends may contribute to his lack of success in finding love, the talkative gossip blogger goes uncharacteristically quiet.
Tony Sweet is a 42-year-old radio personality who grew up in Kansas and moved to L.A. 10 years ago. In the Midwest, Christian ministers, pushing the notion that homosexuality is a sin, were highly influential in forming public opinion. He never paid much attention to them. "I knew God has big plans for me," Sweet says. "I never thought, 'God hates me because I'm gay.' "
Sweet, openly gay for years, did, however, develop an eating disorder in his 20s. "I felt I had to look a certain way and live up to certain expectations," he says. "To me, we aren't helping our community all that much because we're not accepting of certain ways we dress or what we do for a job. It stems from not being self-accepting."
Sweet publicly expresses a view that, at least for now, is a no-no in the gay world: He's felt more pressure and more stress from people in the gay community in Southern California than he did in Kansas — among bigoted, organized-religion adherents.
Matthew Mishory is a 30-year-old filmmaker and L.A. native. He's partnered and lives in West Hollywood. "Life can be difficult," he says, "and it's helpful to have someone help you through those challenges." He adds, "I think it's a great thing to be in love. When I hear people say that's impossible for them, I think that's foolish."
Mishory surrounds himself with both straight and gay friends, and says the "vast majority" are looking for stable, long-term relationships. His unhappy view of the L.A. gay scene is that "too many gay men are competing with each other and tearing each other down, but life is not a competition."
Andrew Extein is a 27-year-old social worker from Florida, living in Silver Lake and working with gay youths. Extein usually stays away from West Hollywood, one of the world's gay meccas. When he does go there, he says, he rarely has a good time.
Extein's impressions of WeHo are the last thing most local boosters and gay residents would say: "It's a very scary place. It's like a Disneyland for gay people. My friends and I end up depressed by the end of the night. It's not very life-affirming."
He finds it "very difficult to connect to people there. West Hollywood represents all the bad parts about the gay community. It emphasizes all the drinking and drugs and what you're wearing and how you look. It's scary because it feels like I should be that way, but I'm not. So it makes me feel as if something is wrong with me."
Extein says that in West Hollywood, and even in Silver Lake on occasion, there's pressure to "fit in" and particularly to drink heavily. "If you don't drink," he says, "you're basically ostracized."
Extein created a website called MASC Project, which examines certain gay men's obsessions with masculinity. He sees urban gay culture as pushing a party-life conformity upon its inhabitants. This, he says, clashes with what is sought by those with a hankering for real community — a safe place to live and thrive.
Thank you for courageously helping people move toward their own well-being instead of being stuck in victim-thinking. I am planning to carry this article with me all the time to help me when I get trapped in a conversation with a victimologist.
Loretta Breuning
Meet Your Happy Chemicals
www.MeetYourHappyChemicals.com
Thanks for an interesting article on happiness, health, and tangentially, HIV/AIDS in the gay community.
I'd like to add one specific comment re "Young guys who run with a promiscuous crowd in Los Angeles or West Hollywood and who engage in barebacking — two high-risk factors for getting HIV — are setting a norm for themselves and others, although they may not realize it. Weinberg argues that, as long as they choose that crowd, chances are good that these young men will act like their peers — dramatically upping the chances they will become HIV-positive."
This statement seems to border on stigmatizing the act of having sex -- as if the choice to "run with a promiscuous crowd" is somehow a negative one.
While few would argue that unprotected sex is a higher-risk behavior that can lead to HIV infection, what seems to be missing is a sex-positive perspective. That is, sex can be healthy and fulfilling -- key to the happiness and satisfaction that men, gay or straight, seek. Safer sex? Certainly. Less safe sex that's fueled solely by misuse of alcohol or drugs or driven by addiction? Of course not. But safer sex, whether it's frequent or not, can be a key part of a happy, healthy life for any man.
Gabriel McGowan
Director of Communications
AIDS Project Los Angeles
1 Like
I think, or hope what he is intending to say is that there is a balance between both social and independent stressors. What I've noticed as a gay man growing up in Los Angeles is that societal bigotry has caused homosexuals to create what would be considered a social safe haven (i.e. West Hollywood) in which people are free to walk around, hold hands, etc without being stared at or heckled. The downside to this safe haven is that these concentrated environments tend to have a hive mind affect (just like it would any culture) in which people hyper focus on whatever most commonly appeals to that culture. In religious cultures it is obviously their bible and in ours it is obviously "fun" and the social expression of our sexuality, (meaning gender preference, not just sex), muscle build (I say muscle build because there is nothing physically fit about a man who works out five days a week and then relegates that physical stress to binge drinking and cocaine). These cases lead to what you see now.
It should be noted that I am a gay man who is 23 and agnostic. While I don't necessarily see religion or spirituality as backbone needed for my morality (which is very traditional morality) I can see how this is an outreach for people who would need such a tool. I am constantly ridiculed by my culture for my traditional needs and I'm seen as a prude. You are hearing it from the horses mouth that being ostracized and alienated happens on both sides.
It is societies fault for forcing us into safe havens, but it is our choice what we do when we're inside. Heterosexuals rarely if ever ridicule us for not having six packs, clean haircuts and certainly not for the hair on our bodies. These we need to take responsibility for.
I have made it my choice a year or so back to exclude myself from West Hollywood. I respect what it offers people but I had an epiphany that I'd rather be around a society in which I have one thing uncommon with rather than one where I have only one thing in common with.
1 Like
@VInnie Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Vinnie. I wrote the piece for all gay men, but I particularly tried to gear it towards gay men in the 20s and 30s. It seems you got something from it, and that's what makes my day as a journalist--and inspires me to continue with my work. I would suggest that you stick by your guns and never sell out your own values and ideals. I think you'll receive a lot of satisfaction and joy down the road by living that way. I've often taken the road less traveled, and it's been a wonderful, self-satisfying experience that I have never regretted.
Take care,
Patrick Range McDonald
LA Weekly
Sheep's Clothing
The stressors mentioned in this article are not just part of some generalized, collective victim identity. The stressors are physically, socially, politically and often violently manifested in this culture and around the world. I was bullied as a young gay man, pushed around, spit on and believed I was going to hell because that's what the religion I was brought up in taught me to believe. My own father told me that homosexuality was second only to murder in the eyes of the lord. A childhood friend of mine was beaten and raped by group of straight boys for being gay. He grew up to be promiscuous and a heavy drinker - as I'm sure many people who are sexually exploited at a young age grow up to be (gay or straight) - and eventually died of AIDS. Most of the gay men I know have had very real experiences with bigotry and hatred in their life, so to imply that minority stressors are some kind of self imposed excuse to languish in addiction and self-pity is to turn a biased and blind eye to reality.
I'm all for taking responsibility for yourself as an adult and I am very leery of the lifestyle promoted in communities like West Hollywood, but the implication that if you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, go to church and maybe find a partner the addictions and the social and mental issues that plague LGBT communities (not to mention the political struggles) will suddenly diminish is not only misguided, but sounds like a dangerous game of blame the victim - a game that has been going on for quite sometime from outside the community.
I was very intrigued by the title of the article and hopeful that I might find a real exploration of positive role models for LGBT people, but instead find some kind of admonishment for bad behavior and anecdotes about the decadent and self-destructive gay life in WeHo. Not exactly a new angle nor helpful in any way that I can see.
@Dissappointed Hi Disappointed. Much thanks for reading. I'm sorry to hear you're disappointed. I made a point of offering some solutions, but I only had 4,000 words to write this piece and there was a lot of information to cover.
The solutions involved the section with Thomas Weinberg and being aware of certain choices, the ideas of spirituality (which you appear to be confusing with religion when you mention going to church, but maybe I'm wrong about what you're implying), and talking about ideas of self-empowerment.
From my experience, we need to be first aware of problems before we can move forward with solutions, so that's why I mentioned the problems. I was certainly not trying to admonish anyone. That was never my intention.
I was simply laying everything out there, which many gay leaders and other folks don't want to discuss publicly. But if we don't discuss problems openly and publicly, we'll continue to do those problematic things. I would also say that there are several positive role models in the piece, especially James Brandon. But you also had Matthew Mishory, Tony Sweet, and several others speaking their truth and looking for another way. History is filled with positive gay role models as well, and I've been undertaking a regular column to showcase them.
Take care, and hope you're well.
Patrick Range McDonald,
LA Weekly
I think the gay scene itself contributes to depression. Most gay meeting places are built on a sex act. I can't think of anything more depressing than building your social life on a sex act. There's also a lot of appearance fascism on the gay scene - if you don't look a certain way, you're not wanted. It's bound to make you feel depressed when you're rejected simply for not looking a certain way.
I would recommend that gay men get out of the gay scene. Go and mix with the mainstream. The mainstream is more balanced and less appearance-obsessed.
@prmcdonald congrats on making the cover! picked up a copy. Good read. Happiness/self-unfufillment are emotions EVERYONE feels.
Lucas, maybe you'd be more happy and fulfilled by finding another way to make a living rather then being a vehicle for annonomous, cowardly hate.
This is a very interesting and obviously sincere article. But "spirituality" is as much an addiction as booze. I hope I'm not the only one who remembers that con-woman Louise Hay.
As for the rest --
@cllrdr Hi Cllrdr, Thanks for reading and your comments. And thanks to everyone for reading and their comments. I'm not exactly sure how spirituality is an addiction. That doesn't sound true to me, and I don't think I've ever seen spirituality listed as an addiction by medical professionals somewhere. Also, there are many, many people who have improved their lives through spirituality--and I'm not talking religion. Addictions tend to damage or destroy lives one way or another.
You're also doing something that's very common among people who mix up personalities with certain principles. I don't know anything about Louise Hay, but why would anyone allow one person's actions take something away that's potentially good for you?
Thanks for the video, although I'm not sure how it fits with this article. There's always time to have fun, but let's take the dialogue up another notch for the moment, shall we? We all have wonderful gifts to share with the world, so how do we get there in a way that's healthy and fulfilling and true? This article is one attempt to start that dialogue.
Take care,
Patrick Range McDonald,
LA Weekly
So we're going to blame society for drug and alcohol abuse? No personal responsibility? Nice.
1 Like
Matthew Mishory says, "Too many gay men are competing with each other and tearing each other down...." Absolutely true! One needs to go no further than wehoconfidential.com to see this. Being the outcast bullied gay kid in your high school is nothing compared to the hate spewed on that website. The website is the embodiment of the self-hatred endured (and thus projected onto others) by gay men in West Hollywood. Instead of making choices to take control of their lives, these gay men would rather put down others. It’s then and only then their miserable lives seem less miserable in comparison. I’m glad gay culture is dying. We once needed a community we felt a part of; that would protect us, and stand with us in the battle against bigotry and hatred. Now we need loving a loving family and friends, gay and straight, to protect us from the community (as exemplified by wehoconfidential).
I don't care for the word reaction. I feel it is more of an effect brought on by bigotry. When people are raised in a culture to feel shame, guilt, etc. they shrink to the outskirts of society--as a racist and bigoted culture would prefer them to be. Unfortunately, society then has the audacity to ask them, why don't you get a real relationship, get off drugs, etc. Perhaps because society won't allow them to take ownership of who they are.
Since being psychologically abused as a child causes psychological problems for adults, one knows that we Gays will have a rather high incidence of psychological issues. One grows up in a society where its leaders in Congress and in churches and often in our own homes blame everything on us including 9-11. In fact, aren't we the ones who coined the phrase, "He has issues."
My party days are over and I loved them when I had them, but they were not the ones of desperation and drugs that make the news. We were mostly young professionals and business owners with some med students, law students, etc. For obvious reasons, age stratification in the Gay community is not the same as in the Straight world. We had our businesses to run in addition to our daily gym visits. Since I don't drink or do drugs, if drug abuse was happening on a large scale, I did not really notice.
If there is one thing I do know about being Gay, it is that Gay is Good. Gay is Great! I do not recall deciding to be Gay, but if I did make that choice, it was the best choice I ever made in my entire life. If I get to go around again and get to chose, Yes, I choose to be Gay. Hurray for being Gay!!!
Find everything you're looking for in your city
Find the best happy hour deals in your city
Get today's exclusive deals at savings of anywhere from 50-90%
Check out the hottest list of places and things to do around your city
