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Van Halen's Babysitter
The band's record label assigned Ted Cohen to go on tour with them in their glory years. Here's what he saw
Read outtakes from our interview: "The Time David Lee Roth Abandoned His Plymouth Valiant to Rot."
PHOTO BY TED COHEN
Van Halen at a Seattle radio station in 1982
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On the first night of Van Halen's 1978 world tour, in Madison, Wis., the band burst into the hotel room of their artist development director, Ted Cohen, and threw all of the furniture out of the window.
This was madness, for sure, but a calculated madness. When Cohen — the man sent by the record label to keep them on time and on task — confronted them about the incident, they said they'd read about Led Zeppelin and The Who doing the same thing. Thus, for years to come they left a trail of broken tables, shattered mirrors and stained carpeting in their wake, not to mention fire alarms set off in the middle of the night. The strange thing was the group always took responsibility; in fact, they would budget cash to pay for their hijinks.
That infamous night in Madison began Cohen's trial by fire with the Southern California hard-rock legends, who went on to pioneer a stadium sound that would help them sell tens of millions of records. Van Halen were equally known for their bad-boy personas, not to mention wardrobes that spawned a whole new generation of hair metalers in Spandex.
Of course, Cohen was no stranger to rock-star behavior. In his role at Warner Music, he'd shared private jets with Fleetwood Mac, received home visits from Prince and witnessed firsthand the Sex Pistols' breakup.
With Van Halen, he spent huge chunks of time with them during their late-'70s and early-'80s glory years, in tour buses, hotel rooms, radio station green rooms and backstage, where he was given the duty of distributing backstage passes to the cutest girls in the audience. "Sixty or 70 of them would show up backstage," Cohen says, "and then there was the usual casting call."
If this sounds sleazy, it was; the band members would determine a dozen or so of this group worthy of the "semi-finals" (Cohen's words), at which point about half would be invited back to the hotel to party. Next, "the portable bar was rolled in, and an all-nighter took place," he says.
It's fair to say Cohen was unprepared for this seemingly nonstop bacchanal. Originally from Cleveland, he preferred a casual uniform of jeans and T-shirts and, rather than feathered bangs, sported short hair and a mustache. These days Cohen lives in the Hollywood Hills, and on the occasion of the band's latest tour — which hits Staples Center on June 1 and June 9 — and comeback album, A Different Kind of Truth, he reminisced about his time with the act in the bad old days, at the height of their fame and decadence.
"I was there to keep the lightning in the bottle and make sure they kept their heads on straight," he explains. "Control was elusive, but staying on schedule and on target was mandatory." The band managed to stay focused due to their first-rate work ethic, he adds, but their disparate personalities would eventually rip them apart.
In 1972 brothers Eddie and Alex Van Halen enlisted charismatic frontman David Lee Roth and bassist Michael Anthony to round out their group. [Corrected June 1, 2012.] Cohen first saw them perform at a rehearsal for Warner Music executives at Whisky a Go Go in early 1978. He immediately predicted big things. "It was obvious just how hard they'd been working for the previous six years," he says. "Their craftsmanship was excellent: Eddie was a genius on his guitar, and they jelled incredibly well on stage."
The band's secret, he came to realize, was that even in stadiums they were able to re-create the feeling of an intimate club show.
In the beginning, the members viewed themselves as a foursome of equals, dividing up the songwriting credits and royalties equally, Cohen says. "It was done with the whole attitude of 'We're not going to let anything or anyone beak up this band.' "
Unfortunately, there was a wild card — Valerie Bertinelli, the stunning star of hit sitcom One Day at a Time. After she and Eddie Van Halen met backstage at a 1980 concert, their unlikely union generated an avalanche of tabloid columns. But Cohen maintains that as soon as the television star appeared on the scene, she began to drive a wedge between the members of the group, Yoko Ono–style. (Neither Van Halen's nor Bertinelli's management responded to repeated requests for comment.)
The actress believed Eddie Van Halen should receive the lion's share of the credit for the band's triumphs, whereas Roth was essentially expendable, Cohen says. Cohen believed differently, however: "David was an integral part of the band's success. He was brilliant."
As a result of Bertinelli's interference, Cohen adds, Eddie Van Halen began distancing himself from the band, staying in his hotel room and not spending as much off time with the others.
Cohen recalls the guitarist pouring his heart out to him at the Aladdin Hotel in Las Vegas, which had recently been purchased by Wayne Newton, shortly after Van Halen and Bertinelli wed in 1981. They spoke from 3 a.m. until dawn, watching workmen in a crane replacing the existing Aladdin sign with a neon one. "We kept hitting the minibar in the room and we got toasted," Cohen remembers, "and I just felt really bad because Eddie was so utterly depressed."
Had he erred in marrying Bertinelli? Cohen asked him. "I've made a terrible mistake," Van Halen affirmed with a glum look. (Why the couple stayed together for decades afterward remains a mystery to the record-company man.)
The band's 1982 album, Diver Down, sold more than 4 million copies, but the band began to unravel. Eddie Van Halen and Roth reportedly clashed over their musical direction, with the latter preferring a more pop-oriented path. Their next work, 1984, sold even better, but that tour brought the band's creative forces to the brink.
As for Cohen, he became disenchanted with the business, and during a 1984 screening of seminal mockumentary This Is Spinal Tap, decided once and for all to wash his hands of touring. (His decision was based on disgust over the antics of other groups he was simultaneously working with, like Roxy Music and Asia.)
Two months later, he says, he saw Eddie Van Halen "trashed and miserable" at the Palladium, and before long Roth had been booted from the band and replaced by Sammy Hagar.
After quitting his job at Warner, Cohen immersed himself in tech culture. He now helms local digital consulting firm TAG Strategic, which works with multinational entertainment companies.
Meanwhile, after a tumultuous relationship reportedly tarnished by substance abuse and infidelity, Van Halen and Bertinelli divorced in 2005. Cohen was not surprised to see Roth reinstated with the band a year later. "If Valerie had never appeared on the scene," he opines, "David would probably have never been kicked out in the first place."
That's not to say everything is now rosy in Van Halen, as they've been plagued by reports of infighting, with dozens of tour dates recently wiped from their schedule.
Yet Cohen remains nostalgic for his time with the group. Their appeal remains, he concludes, in their joyful, childlike approach to music. "I'm absolutely certain they still know how to have a really good time," he says. "It's in their blood."
A previous version of this story stated that Michael Anthony was the band's drummer, but he actually played bass.
Read outtakes from our interview: "The Time David Lee Roth Abandoned His Plymouth Valiant to Rot."
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I have my own column ~ "Diamond & Rust" at online entertainment mag AtlasJams.com & it has more typo's & "missed stuff" ( as Jay Battles - newspaper editor stated.) then you can throw a bone at, but this dog missed a more important FACT than an obvious mistake as Michael Anthony the drummer...It's "Roth had been booted from the band". DAVE LEFT! That's common knowledge. David Lee Roth has never been "booted" out of ANYTHING he didn't want to LEAVE in the first place...it's HIS call...it's ALWAYS been HIS call. DLR IS VH!!!...When will these people get it? It's quite simple.
I'm a newspaper editor. We deal with hacks all the time, and sometimes we miss stuff. Deadlines and such. Michael Anthony the drummer? Forgivable. I have more of a problem with vauge 'reports' of infighting.
This whole article lost creditability when an obvious fact of the band was stated wrong. Who the hell doesn't know the Van Halen brothers are the GUITAR & DRUMS of Van Halen?! If you thought Michael Anthony was their drummer, then who knows what else in this story is WRONG.
ASIANS CAN ACTUALLY READ MINDS!!!!!!!!!!!!they can hear, and see what your visually thinkingthis is the complete truth, THIS IS NO JOKE
The reason a lot of Asians have completely expressionless faces, segregate from everybody else-only associate with Asians and don't associate with non Asians that much, and are very unfriendly in general is to avoid accidentally revealing that they can read minds. If all over a billion Asians where to show facial expressions all the time just as much as non Asians, integrate and associate with non Asians much more, and be much more friendly and talkative, then a lot of them might accidentally reveal that they can read minds by accidentally showing a facial expression or dirty look when someone thinks, or visually pictures something in their mind they don't like, find astonishing, or funny etc because those people might see that and and really wonder what that was that just happened there and see the connection, and they might accidentally say something similar to what the person was just thinking and going to say. If they all associated with non Asians a lot more then there would be a lot more people around for them to accidentally show facial expressions when those people think things they don't like etc, so they segregate and only associate with Asians so there won't be anyone around for them to see that and have any accidents happen in the first place.
Try thinking, best yet visually picturing in your mind something absolutely crazy as you possibly can when you are around Asians, and try looking for Asians who give people particular looks, especially dirty looks for what appears to be for completely no reason, that is them giving people looks when they hear and visually see someone thinking something they don't like, find astonishing, or funny etc.
You have to spread the message!!!!!The world has to know about this!!!!!
ASIANS CAN ACTUALLY READ MINDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!they can hear, and see what your visually thinkingthis is the complete truth, THIS IS NO JOKE
The reason a lot of Asians have completely expressionless faces, segregate from everybody else-only associate with Asians and don't associate with non Asians that much, and are very unfriendly in general is to avoid accidentally revealing that they can read minds. If all over a billion Asians where to show facial expressions all the time just as much as non Asians, integrate and associate with non Asians much more, and be much more friendly and talkative, then a lot of them might accidentally reveal that they can read minds by accidentally showing a facial expression or dirty look when someone thinks, or visually pictures something in their mind they don't like, find astonishing, or funny etc because those people might see that and and really wonder what that was that just happened there and see the connection, and they might accidentally say something similar to what the person was just thinking and going to say. If they all associated with non Asians a lot more then there would be a lot more people around for them to accidentally show facial expressions when those people think things they don't like etc, so they segregate and only associate with Asians so there won't be anyone around for them to see that and have any accidents happen in the first place.
Try thinking, best yet visually picturing in your mind something absolutely crazy as you possibly can when you are around Asians, and try looking for Asians who give people particular looks, especially dirty looks for what appears to be for completely no reason, that is them giving people looks when they hear and visually see someone thinking something they don't like, find astonishing, or funny etc.
I know this may sound crazy, impossible and unbelievable, BUT IT ISN'T CRAZY WHEN ITS TRUE
You have to spread the message!!!!!The world has to know about this!!!!!
every journalist has to give the token background of the band after the intro...this is journalism 101 I know...but, for the love of fucking GOD spare us the history everyone already knows...like good managers ...assume we are professional fans and know the context of these stories...
I went to a party in the 80's in Shreveport and Ed and one of Valerie's brothers (No Valerie) were there together. Ed sat in a chair, played an unplugged guitar and got high for a couple of hours. During these years, Ed and Valerie came to Shreveport often to see her parents. Her father was a General Motors bigshot and Ed was seen often partying around town always without Valerie. Many time he would sit in with various bands at the few live music clubs in town. It always seemed like they had a strained marriage back then and the talk was Ed didn't really like being around the straight laced, button downed Bertinelli parents.
Its always a woman that f#cks good things up! Like Tom Leykis always says women are dream killers!!!
Good entry at all. Really I was looking forward to read about it. Love this allocation. And I hope all these information are really important to me. Thanks for this allocation. :P
Instead of blaming Valerie, why not just face the fact that Ed and David just don't like each other and their massive egos just don't mesh.Why do people always want to blame a woman for problems that would have occured anyway?
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