Twelve Tales of Sexual Mortification

Blood was smeared in places where he'd stepped on it. It was smeared on his feet. "Even though he was my boyfriend, and he was joking about it, I was mortified. I told him we are never doing this crap again," Nicole says.

The floor, thankfully, was wood. Easy to wipe up. "If it was carpet, I would have died."

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9. The Lacrosse Coach's Butt

Dan is a 26-year-old regional planner who poked his lacrosse coach in the butt with his dick. He was a high school senior at the time, and the statistician for the girls' team. Coach was a "broad-hipped in a not-good way" 50-something woman.

Dan had signed up for the stats job because he was a shy kid who figured girls would never talk to him otherwise. Ironically, he wasn't especially attracted to the athletic type. He was more into artsy theater girls. But girls are girls. Long, bumpy rides on the school bus with lots of women to think about made for a deliciously tense season. "The vibrations would work their way into my body and manifest themselves in a particular way," he says.

One time he got an erection just as they were getting back to school. But Dan had his exit all planned out: The driver would stop the bus, someone would open the door and he would dart out before anyone was the wiser.

It just didn't work out that way.

"As I made my move, I slid out into the aisle," he recalls. "My lacrosse coach had her butt in the aisle and was bending over to pick up something from her seat." He ran into her, penis first.

She jumped up with a startled "oh!" and dodged back into her row. Dan kept going. "I was really paranoid because I thought I was going to be fired for being inappropriate," he recalls. "It's usually not a good situation when you poke your lacrosse coach in the butt with your erection."

In the end she said nothing. He's not even sure she knew what happened: "I kinda also hit her with other parts of my body. But I definitely led with the erection."

If she could tell, he says, he's very glad she kept quiet.

10. The Anal Butter

It was Jeanine's boyfriend's birthday. As a special treat, they agreed that one of her girlfriends would take him for the first part of the night. Then Jeanine and her other girlfriend would take him for the second part.

Jeanine is 31, a patient-care liaison for heroin addicts. She tells the story in a droll, world-weary way. They went to a motel, she says. They had a lot to drink. "Then he wanted to do anal," she says. "But I didn't have any lube."

Necessity, however, is the mother of invention. Or maybe he'd just seen Last Tango in Paris. "He had bought food from Denny's beforehand. He grabbed one of those little plastic tubs of butter and spread it on my ass."

Did it feel good? "Once you got past the butter part, you didn't really notice anything different."

11. The Bondage Mistake

In addition to anal butter, Jeanine is into bondage. She once took home a guy who tied her up but got more than he bargained for. He chained her to the wall, attached a spreader bar to her ankles and then tried to fist her. But it was painful and she asked him to stop.

"When he pulled out, his entire arm was covered in blood," she says. He fainted, hit his head on the wall and blacked out. As he lay passed out on the floor, Jeanine wriggled out of her cuffs, an S&M Houdini.

She dragged the guy to the shower, where he awoke and sat in the fetal position. After a while, he begged her to go to the emergency room. Jeanine refused. So he crawled into her bed and cried himself to sleep.

He left in the morning. But not before he took out her trash. "He was," she says, "a real gentleman."

12. The Fart on the Penis

Oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God. Stop stop stop stop. This is what Adrian thought when he farted on the guy he was fucking.

Adrian hesitates even to call it a fart. "Some air escaped," he says now. He'd been worried about cleaning himself. "So it doesn't get dirty down there?" he explains. "Like, you know ... poop?" Certain men, he notes, won't even give you the time of day if you don't meet their cleanliness standards. He did such a thorough job of cleaning that, with the in-and-out/in-and-out friction of penetration, his bowels betrayed him. "And I'm, like, oh my God, I did not fart."

He clenched and tightened: "Please tell me that was not a fart."

"It's fine. It's just air," said the guy, consolingly.

He's probably thinking I farted on his penis, Adrian thought.

Adrian is a dapper young gay man whose entire early sex life was composed of embarrassing moments. There was the time he used too much lube and kept slipping out. There was the time his partner had to show him how to put a condom on properly, how to pinch the reservoir tip so it doesn't rip. There were the many times he worried about having a smaller penis than his partner. "Am I pleasing him? Am I doing what I need to be doing?" he'd ask himself. That cycle went on for a long time. Admittedly, he tends to overanalyze things.