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Twelve Tales of Sexual Mortification 

Angelenos cough up their most embarrassing sexual moments, and a whole lot of blood, puke and piss

Thursday, Feb 9 2012

See more from L.A. Weekly's Sex Issue: "Condoms Suck," "The Swingers' Story: How Two Married People Found True Love While Swapping Partners," "10 Condom Reviews for the Well-Endowed Man," and "9 Best High-Tech Vibrators to Buy for Your Valentine, Reviewed by our Experts."

"What is your most embarrassing sexual moment?" We posed this question to customers at the world-famous Pleasure Chest adult store in Hollywood one rainy Friday night. From accidental farts to erections gone awry, from virginities lost to strange predilections found, people shared the mortifying with a surprising lack of mortification. Here are a dozen of the most cringe-worthy stories. Last names have been omitted by request.

1. The Accidental Pee

When Myke first started having sex with guys, it was awkward. No one sat him down and explained the dynamics of "top" or "bottom."

He was 21 when he lost his virginity. The guy was 40. They'd met on a telephone chat line and talked for weeks. The guy was cool, Myke thought. The talk was comfortable. But when they actually met, Myke wasn't attracted to him. He was determined to have sex, though. "I'm going to make this happen," he told himself.

Two years earlier, he'd fooled around with a guy, and that experience had freaked him out. Ashamed of what he'd done, he'd sworn it would never happen again: "I'm not going to let this be my life. I'm straight. I can change this." Even though he'd always known deep down he was gay, Myke didn't want to deal with the stress.

Then he met the chat line guy.

"He was trying to fuck me and I couldn't take it," Myke remembers. As he speaks, he rubs absently at the two stars tattooed like tears beneath his right eye. "I kept saying, 'This hurts.' And the guy kept saying, 'Just relax.' "

"What do you mean, 'Just relax'?" Myke asked him. "You're not the one with the dick in your butt." Plus, they were using lotion for lube, so it burned.

The guy said, "OK, you do me. I'll show you." Myke was confused. " 'Huh? Me do you?' I didn't realize I was a bottom, which means I like being dominated."

They forced their way through the situation. "Come on my chest," the guy said.

"So I was leaning over him, squeezing so hard. Because I just wanted it to be over with. In short, I peed all over him," Myke says, laughing now. "We were supposed to spend the whole weekend together, and he just pushed me off of him."

They never saw each other again. "I would've loved someone who'd understood," he says, but he had no one to talk to about it.

It took him a few more years after that to come out and be proud of who he is. Now 28, Myke teaches the anal sex class at the Pleasure Chest, where he is also a store manager. The anal class is his passion. "It's learning your body all over again, doing it in the butt. You learn a lot about your diet." He always tells people, "Get to know your asshole."

2. The Chicken Dinner Deep Throat

Carlos, a 37-year-old vet tech, and his date were getting hot and heavy on the couch. They'd gone for a nice chicken parmigiana dinner, then headed back to his place. As they kissed, the girl began to talk about deep-throating him. She unzipped his pants, took him deep in her mouth ... and threw up.

"Oh, shit!" Carlos said. He jumped up. She jumped up. He hopped in the shower to wash off her vomit. "I couldn't believe it. She threw up her entire meal on me. It was a mess. When I got out, she was freaking out. She wasn't crying exactly, but she had tears in her eyes. She felt disappointed. She wanted to leave. She was embarrassed. I calmed her down."

She stayed. They had sex. But hold the blow jobs.

3. The Kids at the Church

When Alicia was 17, she heard about a church with a secluded parking lot where kids would go to have sex. She and her boyfriend were parked there, completely naked, when the cops arrived.

Alicia now is a 26-year-old strawberry blonde with a pixie cut, pretty gray eyes and a sly, feline aspect. She remembers everything: the flashlight illuminating the interior of the car. The fogged-up windows. The knock on the glass. The frantic grabbing for a T-shirt to cover her breasts. Her boyfriend's overwhelming fear that he was going to jail for statutory rape — he was almost 18.

Cops with bigger crimes to worry about might have let them off with a warning. But this was Rohnert Park, a sleepy town in Sonoma County. After ascertaining that Alicia was there of her own accord, the cop called her parents. "And that's how my dad found out I wasn't a virgin anymore," she says. "I remember getting all pumped up, like, 'This is my life! They can't ground me for this.' "

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