Well, first off, I have re-upped up with Apple One Temporary of Glendale in order to create a stable, structured environment for comedy in 2012. This is not a joke. Call Lori, my rep, and you too may enjoy the fruits of my typing 53 words per minute. But on el once-once-once, I will, in honor of my dog, beloved, deceased pal Blossom, meditate on why and whether repeating numbers, black crows, crosses, Kokopellis have any meaning. Is 11-11-11 trying to tell us something? Are temporary agency time cards realistic symbols of time spent at a temp job? Can I bring a dog ghost to a one-day reception assignment in Glendale?
Last year, you were all over TV in those Target ads. What's it like being ubiquitous?
Humbling. Hopeful. Nice. Fun. First class. Fulfilling. Omnipresent. Important. Afraid. Excited. All of those and more to come.
You seem really nice. Do you ever do anything mean?
My jokes are very passive-aggressive, which is sort of worse than aggressive, because I can still seem sweet, but I am not.
Recently, I was surprisingly aggro with the Credo Mobile customer service rep. I'm not even sure what I was trying to tell her with my run-on sentences of angry purpose. I just didn't want to HAVE to get wi-fi on my BlackBerry. BlackBerry and no wi-fi? I was standing up for something dumb AND irrelevant. I called back a half-hour later to apologize, and she accepted my apology, but I seem to be having problems lately with being pleasant. I've also been guilty of making fun of things that I don't understand. I did a Funny or Die video based on "Hauls" you can YouTube it and I realized I hadn't read most of the books I was mocking. Due to drinking handmade coffee 'n' Diet Coke frappuccinos, I have many times fallen away from pleasant behavior. It's really hard to get on that show Intervention, but I am preparing for my audition.
What makes you unhappy these days?
Hmm. Me complaining about anything. And I just complained about me complaining. I will now sit on my hands and breathe in and out five times before responding to the next question.
What do you most dislike about your appearance?
Breathe in, breathe out. In, out. IN, OUT! IN-OUT. Breathe in, I am a beautiful woman, and breathe out, beauty is on the inside.
Hmm. There's always the consistently objective and helpful comment by an audience member of, "You're not funny." But the most humbling thing that happened recently was while being hospitalized in a local psych ward I'm bipolar II, the new gladiator sandal the resident psychiatrist YouTubed me during the session on his iPad. When I asked that he turn it off, his reasoning was that I could be psychotic and he wanted to make sure that I was who I said I was a not-that-well-known comedian. He then said, "You're pretty funny." You can send your own tape to Las Encinas Hospital, three to five minutes, for a critique at $375 an hour by a mental-health professional. Oy. Feel free if you experience psychosis to choose me, Maria Bamford, as an example of an impossibly grandiose identity to take on instead of Jesus or a faerie.
Maria Bamford performs with Jackie Kashian and Erin Foley at Flappers Comedy Club, 102 E. Magnolia Blvd., Burbank; Fri.-Sat., Nov. 11-12, 8 & 10 p.m.; $20. (818) 845-9721.