LAW: You're a man who isn't afraid to admit you cry -- when was the last time you wept?
You're correct, I am emotionally unhinged. I don't cry as much as I "tear up," which is easier to hide, especially in the cold weather -- I'm not kidding, a few days ago I caught the new commercial for Cymbalta, a drug that treats depression, and teared up at the end. But seriously, the music in the background is beautiful.
Some say you're not a comic until you get booed -- true?
This is actually a lie perpetuated by shitty comics trying to rationalize why they get booed off stage. I wish audiences would stop emboldening these comics with boos, maybe they'd quit sooner.
Who do people say you look like?
Never who I want. I was lucky enough to be told Matt Lauer, like, once. A coworker recently told me I looked like "this gay guy" from her hometown, who, upon closer inspection via Facebook, was at least hundred pounds heavier.
Did you make any New Year's Resolutions?
Ask Jesus to cure me of the queers.
You seem too well-adjusted to be a comic -- comment?
Allow me to give a few examples of how maladjusted I really am: I create alternate Facebook profiles, using pseudonyms, fake e-mail addresses and random pictures, to message high school classmates I didn't like and belittle them.
I have an unhealthy fear of being shot in the head. "We all do," you say to yourself. To the point where, if the curtains are open late at night, I move more erratically to throw off the sniper.
I have favorited three Cymbalta commercials on youtube.
Herpes doesn't scare me in the least.
Occasionally I hum the theme song for Zoobilee Zoo.
If you had a catch phrase, what would it be?
Bros before butthos. Actually, probably not.
Would you ever do a reality show? What would we learn about your life?
You'd learn I spend more time looking at porn than anyone else on the planet.
What type of old man do you think you'll be?
There's no question I'll die long before anyone could call me old.