Steven Patrick Morrissey turns 50 today. It's hard to believe it was half a century ago when Elizabeth Dwyer Morrissey held her newborn son in her arms and whispered, "You just haven't earned it yet baby." Or was it, "The more you ignore me, the closer I get"? Some historians claim she said, "Why do you come here, when you know it makes things hard for me?" As I do every year, I sent him a birthday card. On the inside, it says, "I get by with a little help from Depends?" Do you think he'll like it? The big 5-0 party, Morrissey's 50th Unhappy Birthday Celebration, takes place at House of Blues with Smiths/Morrissey tribute band Sweet & Tender Hooligans. Says lead singer Jose Maldonado, "We'll be performing songs from Morrissey's entire career both with The Smiths and as a solo artist. We'll have guest musicians, a live string section and maybe even a mariachi band performing some of Morrissey's songs in that style. The audience will sing 'Happy Birthday' to our hero as we bring out an animal-friendly cake and collectively blow out the candles as we cheer loud enough for Morrissey to hear us all the way in Manchester, England." Fri., May 22, 2009, 8 p.m.