Known as the "Queen of Mean," Lisa Lampanelli only called me an idiot once in this interview via e-mail. Is the Queen getting soft? Not on your life, dumbass.
L.A. WEEKLY: I love your comedy, but I enjoy it most when I see you with a bunch of rowdy pals and plenty of liquor. Does that count as being a fan?
LAMPANELLI: Not only does it count as being a fan -- it counts as being a drunk. Get to an AA meeting immediately, donkey!
Dressing like Carol Brady really fulfills everyone's fantasy. C'mon -- who didn't want Mrs. Brady to call Alice a dykey-looking cunt? Plus, I'm hoping that dressing that way will land me a spokes-twat job for Wesson Oil. My commercial for Wesson Oil: "Before I suck a huge black cock, I always cover it in Wesson Oil. Mmmmm ... Wesson-ality!"
Howard Stern looks like he has soft skin. Have you ever touched him?
Sadly, I have not touched Howard Stern's skin. However, if you want to know how soft it really is, just ask Sal the Stockbroker or Richard Christie. Their brown-nosing lips are on his ass on a daily basis.
Do your parents know what you do?
Of course they do, idiot. They have cable. Seriously, they know what I do and they know how much money I make. That way, when I threaten to put them in the home, they take it seriously.
If you had a sitcom about your life, what would it be called and what would it be about?
I have quite a few ideas for sitcoms. We could do a TV show about convenience stores called Everybody Hates Coloreds. I could also do a show about my dating history with black men called Eight Is NOT Enough. Or I could have a show about me and a black boyfriend who move to Connecticut, and live with my Italian parents with our gay friend next door. My manager wants to call it I Love Lisa, but I want to sell it to pay cable so we can call it Nigger-Lovin' Fag Hag.
Why do gay men love you?
Gay men are the best audience members EVER because after taking it in the ass all day, my insults seem like a walk in the park.
Who are your comedy idols?
My idols are obviously Don Rickles and Howard Stern. But the person who has inspired me most is Kathie Lee Gifford. She has proven that you can have a career even if everyone on the planet hates your guts.
Is it possible to hurt your feelings?
Not really. I'm rich. If you don't like me, what do I care? That's not true -- once a boyfriend told me that my strap-on made me look fat. That was depressing -- not because I was fat, but because I never owned a strap-on.
Do you ever apologize about your act?
Hell, no! Who do I owe an apology to? It's not my fault people are the ethnicity they are. I just point out their faults.
When you're on the road, what do you do all day?
On the road, I like to go to the mall and make fun of queers, blacks and Latinos -- or, as I like to call it, work on my act.
What do you like to do in L.A.?
My favorite thing to do in L.A. is to tell actresses they look fat and then eat their French fries when they run off to the bathroom to puke.
Your Nokia tickets are $45. How much per laugh does that come out to?
What do I look like -- a gook who knows math? All I know is you'll laugh until your ass bleeds -- and that's priceless.