Amy Alkon drags people, kicking, screaming, and laughing, out of their misery with her behavioral science-based advice column, which runs in about 100 newspapers.
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Better Loving Through Chemistry
I'm a 30-year-old woman who started seeing a guy in his early 40s a month ago. He's very healthy and confident, and seems pretty balanced. We get together about once a week, on weekends, and he's amazing in bed! He wants sex three to four times in a 12-hour period, and lasts quite a while. I'm loving this, but just once on some days would be fine, too. Also, I'm thinking this is unusual for a guy above 25. Would it be out of line to ask if he's taking Viagra?
Don't look a gift stallion in the mouth. The problem comes if, say, all that wild adult fun starts to seem like having a newborn, with you being awakened every night at 3 a.m. by something pawing for your breast.
For now, if you're enjoying your new pony, why fret about why? Maybe he's got a high sex drive, and his idea of abstinence is going without for three hours. Maybe he's like that right now, on account of this being something new. Maybe he's trying to impress you (okay, he's 40-something, but he can still lead a girl to bed and show her around the circus). On a less sexy note, maybe he's in a feeding frenzy after a long hiatus, or maybe he's doing the squirrel thing and stocking up in case there's a long winter.
As for parsing whether he's naturally extra-perky or pharm-fresh, it's kind of like worrying, "Are you somebody who doesn't have hideous body odor, or are you just wearing deodorant?" You are right that the guy rebounds like a 25-year-old. Dr. Jacob Rajfer, Chief of Urology at Harbor-UCLA Medical Center, explains that the big difference between younger guys and guys in their 40s is a longer "refractory period" — the penile coffee break they have to take before they can come back up for more (sometimes a day or days for the 40-something penis). Viagra, often mistakenly thought of as a libido booster, actually works on the mechanics of the penis, increasing blood flow to allow for an erection. But, more and more, guys without erectile problems are using it to last longer and to shorten the downtime between playdates.
Rajfer doesn't have a problem prescribing Viagra for these purposes, providing a guy's not taking nitrates — for cardiovascular problems or as "poppers," a potentially deadly mix — and his heart's strong enough for him to survive sex. (It isn't the Viagra that kills you, it's the sexathalon.) Of course, with any drug there can be risks, maybe yet-unknown, maybe long-term and serious. In healthy men, however, Rajfer said there are mainly temporary complaints of facial flushing, a headache, maybe a little indigestion, and "some men may see a blue halo." (And then there's the gummy residue from the gold star their girlfriend sticks on their forehead.)
After essentially four dates, it's a little early to start taking the guy's medical history. You could mention that once is sometimes enough for you — relieving any pressure he might be feeling to keep the Tilt-A-Whirl on overdrive. Meanwhile, take a pill yourself, the chill kind. It takes time and settling in to figure out whether you're compatible — whether you want what he wants as often as he wants it, or you find yourself longing for the days when you could get off an airplane without three new bruises: one for hot, one for cold, and another for the soap dispenser.
My girlfriend and her ex text each other constantly. He's the father of her son, but is it necessary for them to talk all the time? She insists I have nothing to worry about, as she doesn't give second chances (they broke up four months ago, after he cheated). But, ever since he found out about me, he's been ultra-sweet, like he's trying to win her back.
Don't despair, there are more where this girl came from. Just wait in your car in some suburban neighborhood for a guy to storm out of his house, yelling, "That's it! I want a divorce!" then go knock on the door and chat up the pregnant woman crying in the kitchen. Your girlfriend can say she doesn't give second chances, but hey, there's always a first time. These two have a kid together, broke up basically 20 minutes ago, and because the guy cheated, not because they were super-bored with each other. Was there no less sensible choice of girlfriend available? As for your question, "Is it necessary for them to talk all the time?" Maybe, maybe not. You could try an ultimatum: "Either he goes, or I go!" Let's see...he's Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and Junior's college fund; you're Mommy's "Um...new friend." (Be a dear, and toss that bag of dirty diapers in the dumpster on your way out.)
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com)