Everybody knows that gay clubs guarantee unbridled gregariousness for ladies letting loose. No creepy pickup-artist-types feeding you lame one-liners at the bar, no long waits for the girls’ bathroom and no competitive up-and-down glares from other dolled-up attention whores in hotter getups than yours. Well, scratch that last one: Some gay guys can be just as catty, sometimes even more so than other women, and if you infiltrate the wrong dude-packed dance orgy — particularly some of WeHo’s circuit-y hump-holes — you won’t just feel out of place, you’ll feel like a pariah with a puss. But thankfully, L.A. is full of flamboyant dance fetes that keep their homo integrity and make us hags feel welcome, too.
Best Meandering Madonnas: Mustache Mondays at La Cita
Though it’s moved around town quite a bit (from Crash Mansion to Charlie O’s to the basement of Club 740 to its current location, at La Cita), Mustache Mondays has never lost its warm ’n’ fuzzy feel, especially when it comes to the dance floor. Vogueing may be about dancing with one’s self, but it ain’t about personal space, and Mustache’s most Madonna-ish men meander all over the place, making for constant interaction and mutual admiration between females, fellas and those who fall somewhere in between. At midnight, there’s always a drag show, special DJ set or choreographed dance number, but really, the whole bash is a show — and a little flash (not ’stache) is all anyone needs to join.
Mondays at 336 S. Hill St., downtown, www.myspace.com/mustachemondays.
Best Remix: Shits & Giggles
Shits & Giggles has an underground feel that everyone can romp around in. Attracting a mix of hipster boys, glossy femmes and their friends, Victor Rodriquez’s shindig is notable both for its lack of pretense and his and partner Chris Bowen’s amazing obscure disco remixes.
Fridays at 740 S. Broadway, downtown, www.myspace.com/shits&giggles.
Best Celebrity Skin: Beige at Falcon
The soundtrack may be similar to Shits & Giggles but the long-running Beige (at Falcon), Victor Rodriguez’s other queer gathering (this one with partner Rusty Updegraff), is a decidedly more upscale scene both crowd-wise and for its locale. Still, the vibe here is super laid-back, even when celebs are in the house, which, after all these years, is often. Bumping into divas like Spice Girl Mel B or Pussycat Doll Robin Antin is commonplace, and despite its name, this is still one of the more colorful hangs in town.
Tuesdays at 7213 Sunset Blvd., Hollywood, www.myspace.com/beigehollywood.
Best Cluster Fubs: Fubar
Farther west, the pants — and cliques — might get tighter, but those looking for something other than the throb ’n’ bob of Santa Monica Boulevard will always find alternative clubster clusters at Fubar. Believe it or not, even promotions with names like Big Fat Dick and Stallion can be quite mixed, and that goes for both the bods and the beats.
7994 Santa Monica Blvd., West Hollywood, www.fubarla.com.
Best and Hottest Crowd: Tigerheat at Avalon
Hollywood’s Tigerheat may be less diverse music-wise, but the pretty kitties who pounce to pure unadulterated pop hits run the gamut: young and not to so young, queer, lesbian, bi, etc. Jason Lavitt and Ray Rhodes host the hugest homo happening in Hollywood, and of course, the hottest.
Thursdays at 1735 Vine St., Hollywood, www.clubtigerheat.com.
Best Dance Workouts: Akbar
And finally, what roundup of GLBT ’n’ straight mashes would be complete without the Silver Lake sweat fests at Akbar? The dance floor and adjacent bar area are a microcosmic meld of the neighborhood itself, attracting boy toys and breeder babes both multiethnic and bodaciously boho.
4356 W. Sunset Blvd., Silver Lake, www.akbarsilverlake.com.