Family Feud: How to handle a boy-bigot nephew

My brother is a social conservative; I’m a politically engaged liberal. I can’t change him, but I’m disturbed because his son, who we’ll call “George,” is 13 years old and has taken on many of his dad’s more intolerant views. For instance, whenever I suggest that my toddler-age son could have a girlfriend or a boyfriend when he grows up, George says, “Being gay is just wrong.” He also uses the word “gay” as a pejorative, as in “that’s so gay.” George takes every possible opportunity to let us know that he thinks homosexuality is wrong and dirty.

George loves my son, and my son clearly thinks the world of George. So I have two questions:

1. Do you have any suggestions as to how to convince a 13-year-old boy that homosexuality is okay? I have no parental authority here.

2. Is there an ethical problem with me trying to convince George to adopt my values, in spite of my brother’s intention to raise his son with “his values”? Or, put another way, does my trying to sway George without my brother’s permission give my brother license to use words like “fag” in front of my son without my permission?

—Advancing Liberalism In Youth

Don’t be such a liberal pussy, ALIY. You’re letting a 13-year-old boy-bigot smack you around! It’s time to stop wringing your hands and start wringing the little bastard’s neck.

Your nephew feels free to share his opinions with you — and that’s great. Kids have a right to express themselves. But you are an adult — HELLO! — and you have a right to express yourself right back. And you can express yourself every bit as bluntly as George. “Being gay is just wrong,” says the nephew. “You’re just wrong, you little shit,” says the uncle. (That’s how my uncles addressed me.) Then you advise your punk-ass nephew to read a book, learn something about the subject, and maybe talk to a real live gay person before he opens his fool mouth to you again on the subject.

Fathers are free — sadly — to teach their sons whatever ridiculous bullshit they care to. I’m teaching my son, for instance, that the theory of gravity is just a theory and that invisible wads of magic chewing gum hold everything down. Your brother, however, can’t expect you to censor yourself around his misinformed, opinionated son to protect the kid from the realization that, hey, maybe — just maybe — there are other opinions out there and maybe his dad is wrong about homosexuality. So put your brother on notice: If his son is going to share his opinions — your brother’s opinions, but whatever — with adults who disagree with him, then your nephew is going to get into arguments with adults, arguments that — with you, at least — your nephew is going to lose.

Because you’re going to stop being such a liberal pussy, ALIY.

If your brother insists that you STFU about your pro-gay views around his kid, you have a right to insist that he and his son STFU about their anti-gay views around YOUR kid, who might — the chance is small, but there’s a chance — grow up to be gay.

Your nephew, of course, could be gay himself. Lots of closeted gay teens and tweens seize “every possible opportunity” to let their relatives “know [they] think homosexuality is wrong.” I’m tempted to add, “And here’s hoping your piece-of-shit nephew is a fag — it would serve your brother right.” But odds are good that your nephew, if he is gay, would grow up to be a very messy gay adult, thanks to the zap his dad put on his head, and we’ve got enough messy gay men lurking in the shrubbery already, so here’s hoping the nephew is straight.

Finally, ALIY, no one is going to take away your liberal card if you stop working your toddler son’s potential future gay boyfriends into conversation. It’s not a crime against progressive values for a parent to assume that his son will most likely be straight when he grows up because — and you might want to sit down for this, you liberal pussy — most of our sons will be straight when they grow up. It’s hardly child abuse, ALIY, to refrain from asking others to entertain the possibility that your toddler son will one day enjoy taking it up the ass.