Wow, you go through that?
I do, actually. It makes me a much more careful driver. But I do imagine zipping around a corner somewhere, not thinking, and then, boom, all of a sudden I’m in jail for the rest of my life. And there’s a little bit of relief in there. Not that I killed somebody, but that I’d no longer have to worry about paying rent and paying bills and getting food.
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Yeah, people having sex with you against your wishes, that would be —
Right, that would be a bigger concern, I guess.
Well, hey, that’s what you hang onto.
Yeah, that’s why I don’t hit people in my car, because I don’t want to end up against a wall.
Thinking, “I’m not paying the gas bill, but this guy’s having sex with me, and I don’t like it.”
All right, well, I’ve kept you longer than I said, and I don’t want to keep you any longer, and I’m out of questions.
There are no more questions.
There are no more questions. Congratulations on ... so, these five days, they’re the culmination of this tour?
Of the American leg of the tour.
And then you head to Europe?
And then I head nowhere, actually. There’s nothing booked in. But I have to play Australia, New Zealand, Canada. Alaska’s saying, Could you come, please?
Oh, you gotta do that.
There’s France in French, there’s Germany in German, there’s Russia in Russian, there’s Scandinavia in English, there’s Holland in English, United Kingdom and Ireland, I can do in English, and South Africa.
Do you have to prepare differently? Do you have to go over your whole routine, say, in German or Russian?
No, I just do the same thing. It’s designed — think about it. You saw it. So I go to Germany and I say, “Chickens, do they rule the world? And, you know, cavemen. When we were cavemen we were doing this.” There’s no one going, “I’m Russian. We were never cavemen.” I’ve chosen and I’ve designed the way that I’ve developed it to be universal. Because I’ve noticed that bands were going, “Hey, Moscow, good to see you! You don’t understand what I’m saying but this one’s called ‘Freaky Deaky.’ And here we go.” And then they’d just sing it in English. And I thought, well, fuck it, I’m not going to change mine then. So through my massive laziness, I’ve designed it so that when I go to Paris I say, “Bonjour ... les hommes de cave ...” Are cavemen les hommes de cave? I’m not sure. That’s all I do, I try and find out what these key words are, what’s the main thing. Then I just go up and I’m talking about cavemen the same in Berlin. The foreign-language ones are going to be there. I have to do those over the next two years.
Eddie Izzard performs at the Kodak Theatre Aug. 5-9.
