By Hillel Aron
By Joseph Tsidulko
By Patrick Range McDonald
By David Futch
By Hillel Aron
By Dennis Romero
By Jill Stewart
By Dennis Romero
Mark: Why only some? Brought to you by the obsessive-compulsive disorder candy company.
Ed: They’ve actually done something that makes sense here. Meiji company, the world leader in weird candy.
Mark: The back of each of the five boxes has a playing card on it. Collect all 52 empty boxes to play some poker. Good luck shuffling.
YAM STARCH DESSERT
Mark: These come in straws, and you squeeze out the jelly.
Gendy: I hate it, but I’m eating it.
Ed: That’s pretty much the company slogan.
Mark: No yams were harmed in the making of this dessert.
DRIED KELP AND BONITO STRIPS
Mark: These look like green strips of plastic that are harder, tougher and more durable than a surgical plaster.
Gendy: Oh my god, no! I say no to the kelp!
Mark (spitting): I thought this one would be a good half-way point in the taste test. Like a salty thing to cut through the sugar.
Gendy: I don’t think we’re eating these right. You’re supposed to do something else to it – maybe boil it?
RE-MENT TOY BAGEL DISPLAY
Mark: This is really beautifully designed candy. It doesn’t even look real. Oh, wait a minute — maybe it’s not.
Gendy: This isn’t candy, it’s little tiny toy food.
Pandora Young, assistant to the editor in chief and Barbie performance artist, arrives and discusses, in extreme detail, her collection of teeny-tiny plastic food, explaining how to set up the plastic food, and how she has this same thing in a doughnut version and how it comes with a menu.
Gendy: You know, Pandora, if you weren’t here, Mark would be eating this toy food right now.
Mark: It was in the candy aisle — of course, I thought you could eat it. I’d have probably choked to death by now.
PLUM & POTATO HARD CANDY
Mark: These are tiny purple spheres that also look like they could cause a — what’s the legal term? — choking hazard.
Gendy: They look like BBs or shotgun pellets. These are good! You can really taste the plum.
Mark: Or, if there are any superheroes around, you can throw these at them, and they’d slip and fall. Supervillains love these. They taste pretty good.
Mark: I was worried this was going to be another eat-with-a-fork messy jelly thing, but they’re individually wrapped and not jelly-like at all.
Gendy: These are good! They really taste like pudding.
Ed:Mmm. They look like cute little flans!
Mark: These are really good. I wish I wasn’t already feeling ill so I could have more.
STRAWBERRY WHEAT SNACKS
Gendy: This company took Sugar Smacks and repackaged them in Japanese packaging.
Mark: And turned them strawberry! I’m sure if we had milk, it would turn the milk pink. And frankly, I’m pretty glad we don’t have to actually see any pink milk right now.
Gendy: So this is basically just breakfast cereal. It’s really good, and it’s a nice shade of pink. Not as sweet as Sugar Smacks.
ANGRY CLOWN MASK SPICY RING CHIPS
Mark: These are the Insane Clown Posse of Japanese snack foods.
Gendy: I think they’re more of a Mexican wrestling mask. Mmm! Crunchy.
Mark: Very crunchy, and pretty spicy too. They look like little calamari rings, or little gear sprockets, like you could use them to build a spicy machine.
Gendy: The ingredients say they actually contain three different peppers.