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will.i.am Solves Your Girl Trouble 

The Black Eyed Pea doles out some Fergielicious advice on his new CD — and online?

Wednesday, Oct 10 2007
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Late last month, will.i.am, the capitalization-eschewing mastermind behind the Black Eyed Peas, released his debut solo album, Songs About Girls. Made to show the “artist” side of him, the former Palisades High student born Will Adams claims Songs is an autobiographical concept album with tracks that tell the story of “falling in love, falling out of love, trying to get back in love, destructing love and destroying love and then starting a new situation.” Songs is a self-portrait of will.i.am as rap’s Leon “Ladies Man” Phelps, as a quasi-emo heartbreaker, a conscious environmentalist, a friend to donkeys and strippers alike. But more than that, Songs About Girls shows him as a doctor of love (presumably an oncologist, given his training in handling a “woman’s humps, her lovely lady lumps”).

In fact, people have long suspected that will.i.am is hip-hop’s Dr. Joyce Brothers, its Dr. Phil, and might indeed be a mysterious online romance guru known only as will i.m., a man who lists his chief interests as “mink boots,” “corporate America” and “my London Bridge falling down.” Songs About Girls does little to dispel those rumors, with lyrics that eerily parallel some recent i.m. IMs.

Exhibit A: IM conversation between will i.m. and Richard the Elephunkhearted from Fresno.

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will i.m.: Let’s get it started in here!

Richard the Elephunkhearted: Hi, will .?.?. just wanted to say, longtime reader, first time IM’er.

will i.m.: That’s just retarded in here.

RtE: Well, I’d never had a problem before. You see, things are getting serious between me and my girlfriend.

will i.m.: That’s Fergielicious!

RtE: One would think. But I’m concerned how she’s going to look in 10 to 20 years. What happens if she ages poorly?

will i.m.: If the girl real pretty, nine times out of ten, she pretty like her mama.

RtE: But what if her mother looks like Rosie O’Donnell?

will i.m.: I guarantee ya she gon’ be ugly like her mama.

RtE: So what do you suggest I do?

will i.m.: Find a girl whose mommy is still lookin’ good from her head to her feet. One who’s forty-four, but she still lookin’ sweet. And you can tell her daughter ain’t even at her peak. ’Cause her mama is lookin’ so hot. She’s packin’ that heat.

RtE: That’s great advice. Did you just come up with that right now?

will i.m.: I got it from my mama.

Exhibit B: IM conversation between will i.m. and Mamajammal of Sarasota, Florida.

Mamajammal: First off, Mr. i.m., I just wanted to tell you how much I loved “My Humps.” I don’t think I’ve ever heard a song that made me think less.

will i.m.: Please don’t confuse me with the fly and extremely handsome man in Black Eyed Peas, the one that the men call will.i.am. and the ladies call “daddy.”

Mamajammal: I’m sorry, mystical one. I’ve been having trouble with the ladies. I just can’t seem to figure out which one is right for me. How do you figure it out, will i.m.?

will i.m.: If she got a big o’ butt and I like the way she move it, I ask her to be my buttercup and let me double scoop it.

Mamajammal: That ice cream metaphor is ingenious. No woman will be able to resist it! What else can I say to make her my little black-eyed pea?

will i.m.: Tell her, “Girl, you’s a mama jamma. You make this boy go loco. Let me whip out my camera so I can take your photo.”

Mamajammal: What if I take the photo but then she tells me that she really likes the Geico caveman show? I mean, I can’t date a girl who watches the Geico caveman show.

will i.m.: Hey, if the donque is steady and po-po-po-po-poking out, that’s the kind I’m looking after.

Mamajammal: Why did you just spell donkey “d-o-n-q-u-e?” It kinda makes you look dumb .?.?. dumb as a .?.?.

will i.m.: Donque?

Exhibit C: IM conversation between will i.m. and Stripteased23 from Winston-Salem, North Carolina.

Stripteased23: Will, I’m not sure what do right now. I’ve been dating a woman for eight months and I think I may love her, but just last night she told me for the first time that she strips for a living.

will i.m.: Watch out, boy, but don’t fall in love.

Stripteased23: It’s just that she’s drop-dead intelligent. Her fragrance is that stripper scent.

will i.m.: Does her bra pop to Bon Jovi?

Stripteased23: And her thongs drop to 50 Cent!

will i.m.: Is she too sexy for her clothes?

Stripteased23: Yes, so she throws them on the floor.

will i.m.: Well, if she’s strippin’, I ain’t trippin’.

Stripteased23: But I am. How can you tell a pretty, intelligent single mother to strip to pay her bills?

will i.m.: She’s just handling business.

Stripteased23: But you can’t be publicly advocating pandering to man’s most base instincts just to make a lot of money as fast as possible.

will i.m.: Just be glad she ain’t your sister.

Stripteased23: Personally, I think that your love advice isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Is there anything that you do well, will i.m?

will i.m.: Get your money.

Reach the writer at passionweiss@gmail.com

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