No-Escape Best Looting On the Eve of Destruction

You can even rent out the space for a private girls’ dress-up party (five-lady minimum). You bring the booze and food; Shareen will staff the shop.

350 N. Avenue 21, L.A., (323) 276-6226. Open Wed.-Sat. 10 a.m.-5 p.m., ?Sun. noon-6 p.m.

Or, should you decide to go the Mary Ann route (she does kind of grow on you) . . .

The hell you say? I know, American Apparel has been co-opted by douchebags and hipsters, but you can take it back. Take back the leggings, T-shirts, the rainbow colors, the sweatshop-free, the L.A.-made. But please leave the unitard. No one takes the unitard into the hereafter . . . You don’t know how long the journey will be; what if you have to pee? The last remaining people on Earth shouldn’t have to strip down in a public toilet on the Highway to Heaven with their unitard around their ankles and their bips out. American Apparel’s not that bad. It’s just cotton and Lycra. Plus, deep down, you kinda think the billboards are hot. Admit it. Admit it now and God might forgive you.

6922 Hollywood Blvd., Hlywd., (323) 465-6312; 2111 Sunset Blvd., Echo Park, (213) 484-6464; 1060 Westwood Blvd., Westwood Village, (310) 208-8292; 2654 Main St., Santa Monica, (310) 450-7360; and www.americanapparel.net for more locations.

Of course, you’re going to require sustenance on your journey off the planet. How about a quick looting (brandish that crossbow!) of Whole Foods for some caviar and champagne? Forget about Trader Joe’s for the moment. You know Whole Foods is way better — you just don’t shop there, ’cause it’s so expensive. And then, yes, some sweets . . . It’s the end of the world; who cares about the calories?

Locations all over. Check www.wholefoodsmarket.com for closest store.

One word: cupcakes. Another word: Lark. The postmodern signage and simple gray storefront belie the cuteness inside Lark, the little bakery that recently opened on Sunset Boulevard near Micheltorena. At Lark, you can gorge yourself on gorgeous little cakes of all varieties, from little icebox cakes, red velvet, carrot, creamy vanilla and strawberry shortcakes. They make the best alternatives to boring birthday cakes, and why settle for just one flavor? They’re great as hostess gifts for dinner parties, and they are a sure-fire way to get a man to love you (yes, they’re that good). Let him try to resist the sweet fudge of the chocolate-chocolate cupcakes, or the burnt sugary goodness of the mocha cupcakes. Tip: Make sure you fill whatever size box your cakes come in; otherwise, the gorgeous little things will shift and smush during transport.

3337 Sunset Blvd., Silver Lake, (323) 667-2968.

Now that you’ve got your box of mixed cupcakes in hand, pray George Clooney isn’t visiting his Lake Como Italian villa when the shit hits the fan.

You can find the address of George Clooney’s house listed on the self-guided Star Map tour for only $6.99, and some Web sites sell the maps for only two bucks. But can you really trust the tourist hustle? Grab a copy of Bill Gordon’s The Ultimate Hollywood Tour Book, which has sold more than 40,000 copies and is considered to be the definitive celebrity atlas. It is updated every year, as Gordon obsessively pores through newspapers and real estate records so that he can keep tabs on who moved where. Gordon has said in an interview published in a book called Fame Junkies, “The truth is, many peoples’ lives are empty and they latch onto these celebrities. It’s easier to talk about celebrities than our own lives, which is another kind of escapism — not escapism from Vietnam or Iraq — but escapism from the boredom of one’s own life. Celebrities are probably of less interest to people who live exciting, fulfilling lives — people who are involved with their family and community. But how many people do you know who live exciting, fulfilling lives?”

No one, if it’s the Day After Tomorrow, Bill, but in the meantime: Grab Clooney!

If you have questions about sightseeing in movieland Los Angeles, e-mail ?Mr. Gordon at BGordonLA@aol.com.

If gorgeous George answers when you ring his door, tell him the world is ending (celebs can be so insulated), courtship is out of the question, flutter your eyes like Ginger, have some smoke, hand him a cupcake, and see if he’s game for repopulating the world. If not, don’t forget the crossbow.