The Queen of Mean comes to town on Saturday. In a rare fit of niceness, she answers some questions.
L.A. WEEKLY: You’re great at roasts — who would you most love to roast?
LAMPANELLI: It has to be someone millions of people are familiar with and recognize immediately. So it would definitely have to be Britney Spears’ snatch.
Who would you like to have roast you?
Rosie O’Donnell. I don’t think it would be particularly funny — I just like to be next to anyone who makes me look thin. Actually, I’d love to be roasted by Stephen Hawking, ’cause you know no matter what he says, it’s gonna sound hilarious!
What do your parents think of your act?
They used to think it was filthy and offensive. Then I started making real money. Now they think it might keep them out of a state-run nursing home. Seriously, though, my mom hates it, especially when I talk about dating black men. She says, “Be careful. The blacks will give you the AIDS.” I said, “Mom, don’t be ignorant. Gays give you AIDS. Blacks give you illegitimate children.” Duh!
Is there anyone you wouldn’t offend?
There’s nobody I won’t make fun of, and try as I might, I never seem to offend people. Gay men actually seem the most resilient. No matter how mean I get, they think it’s hilarious. That’s ironic, really, because if there was any group of people you would think have a stick up their ass . . .
Who did you take to the prom?
My vibrator. Next question!
Who do people say you look like?
People often say I look like a younger, more attractive Ted Kennedy.
Worst gig ever?
Once I did a private party at a country club in Connecticut. It wasn’t so much that the audience was all white — it was the fact that their black and gay jokes were so much stronger than mine!
Last book read?
Dr. Phil’s book, Relationship Rescue. I have no jokes about this. I was just interested in his thoughts on anal.
Are L.A. audiences different from other places?
Yes, because there are a lot more entertainers in the audience. For example, last year after one of my shows I met Kramer from Seinfeld. He said I was one of his influences.
You were a journalist? What question would you ask yourself?
Right about now I would ask myself, “When the fuck is this thing over with?”
Lisa Lampanelli performs at the Wiltern, Wilshire Blvd. & Western Ave., L.A.; Sat., Aug. 18, 8 p.m.; $39.75. (213) 480-3232.