Features

My wife’s trying to trick me into having a kid. When we got married, we had an arrangement — we were going to have an invisible baby and name it Ten Hours Sleep a Night. PATTON OSWALT



My friend has a cat that has diabetes and she has to shoot it up twice a day. That is time for a new cat. You get a cat so that you don’t have to do anything. She spent $3,000 on diabetic-cat medicine. You know what that is? 3,000 new cats. Cats are free. JACKIE KASHIAN



Do you know who loves to get fisted? Sock puppets. Ahh, that joke is adorable; I wrote it so children can enjoy my show and not be embarrassed in front of their parents. P?????????



I finally figured out why Kramer’s hair was always so messy on Seinfield. Turns out he’s been wearing a sheet. DANIEL TOSH



Marijuana seriously decreases your memory. Which is why I don’t smoke it, but I borrow money from people who do. ADAM GROPMAN



My agent told me, “Judy, you’re not ready to perform on Letterman.” And I’m like, “What are you talking about? I’ve fucked four comics who’ve been on Letterman!” JUDY DIXON



People say if you have a dog, eventually that dog may start to look like you. But I say if you have a dog, and that dog is starting to look like you . . . chances are you’re not very good-looking. I mean, how many times have you heard someone say, “Awww, your dog is so . . . HOT!” ERICA DOERING

I bought a pregnancy test at the 99-cent store. I’m now 99 percent sure I’m too cheap to have a baby. LEANA BENSON



In medical news, The Journal of Childhood Obesity is reporting that the problem of overweight children is worsening. You know how to tell that childhood obesity is a problem? Because there’s a magazine called The Journal of Childhood Obesity! SHAUN ELI



My girlfriend broke up with me because I had a huge penis . . . In my mouth. BRIAN JARVIS



Read an interview where Philip Seymour Hoffman compared the difficulties in acting to “mentally lugging a sofa up six flights of stairs.” You know what else is hard? Actually lifting a sofa up six flights of stairs. I’ve noticed that the people who have that job don’t usually get to complain about it in magazines either. KEVIN SECCIA



IDEAS FOR LOCALLY SHOT TV SHOWS:

PROJECT FREEWAY — Top urban-engineering designers compete to “dress up” sections of the 405 — using only bougainvillea.

CELEBRITY FEAR FACTOR — Hilary Swank has to rap/sing a list of her financial statements to a group of troubled inner-city senior-high-school kids and then explain to them why life isn’t fair. MARIA BAMFORD



I just had a surprise party, but I have to say it wasn’t much of a party; it was basically just everyone I know coming together to tell me I drink too much. MELINDA HILL



Pornography is educational. I learned by watching porn that my penis is not big enough for me to be a pool cleaner. MARK FERNANDEZ





I piss like a racehorse. By that, I mean in public with a small Italian man on my back.” MATT CHAMPAGNE



I got an electric car, but it doesn’t work. I know it doesn’t work because I was in my garage for 10 hours yesterday trying to kill myself. MORGAN MURPHY





Comics can be the laziest people on the planet. If Dolly Parton was a comic, her hit song would have been called “Nine to Nine-Fifteen.” KEVIN KATAOKA



I have a cat. He’s sick right now, he has diarrhea. I took him to the vet and he asked what I was feeding it. And I said, diarrhea. NICK SWARDSON



My born-again dad doesn’t believe in evolution. He supports intelligent design. If you don’t know what that is, it’s complex. Intelligent design is a lot like the time Bea Arthur gave birth to me, during my Oscar speech, televised live from the year 1409 B.C., from the inside of a Kabbalah-themed robot beehive, during a severe outbreak of cuddle fever. Why is that like intelligent design? Because that also did not happen. SEAN CRESPO