Rocky, Did You Bump Your Head?

Congress should investigate homeless programs, gang-intervention programs and corrupt state legislatures, and tell us which ones work and which are broken. Congress should audit big-city police department budgets and find out why there aren’t more cops on the street. And investigate cops on the beat to see who’s doing their jobs and who’s not.

A good rule of thumb when weighing whether or not to investigate: Will it help tens of millions of Americans, or is the primary goal to embarrass the opposing party?

And of course Congress, if it’s doing its job, will come up with programs that need money. One possible source: Rent out the entire White House to members of Congress fixated on sex rather than governing. Remember: What goes down in the White House, stays in the White House.

Point-Blank Range:

. Britney Spears lost her sexy defamation suit against Us Weekly in which she claimed her reputation had been sullied by a false report that she and her soon-to-be-ex-husband Kevin Federline taped a home sex video. We’ve got the videotape — and we didn’t pay $50 million — and that wasn’t her husband. It’s none other than .?.?. L.A. City Attorney Rocky Delgadillo. Just kidding, your honor. It’s a J-O-K-E.

. Speaking of videotaped acts of passion, does anyone in L.A. really believe these LAPD acts of brutality — such as the thumping of 23-year-old William Cardenas — are not a whole lot more routine than the occasional tapes that surface might suggest? To be fair, bashing someone in the head can sometimes be sound police tactics. But if it turns out that officers Alexander Schlegel and Patrick Farrell broke the law, here’s an expedient punishment: Dump the thugs on Skid Row.

Send insults and ammo to BigAl@lasniper.com.