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Things We Learned from the Intelligent Design “Controversy”

1. Some complexity is irreducible.

2. Evolutionary theory has gaps.

3. Gaps are evidence of God.

4. Naomi Watts is evidence of God.

5. God doesn’t play dice, but he does play Life.

6. God is falsifiable.

7. What’s religion in Delaware is science in Kansas.

8. Thirty-eight Nobel laureates aren’t as smart as the Kansas Board of Education.

9. It’s quite possible that humans rode dinosaurs.

10. Any crackpot theory deserves a hearing, unless it involves spaghetti.

11. A man is like a watch: If you don’t wind him up, he doesn’t work right.

12. Some people spell Creationism with only two letters.

—Judith Lewis

Unanswered Questions of 2005

1. Why is there still no pornstar named Laura Bush?

2. When will Osama bin Laden be captured from his perch at the Texas School Book Depository?

3. Has the Taliban formally merged with the Religious Right, or are they just dating?

4. Why, when the Easter Bunny rises from Lincoln’s Tomb on Christmas Day, does it fail to obey Santa’s shadow?

5. Can we start the impeachment proceedings yet, or do we have to wait for the blowjob?

6. What do you mean, MY problem; what’s YOUR fucking problem, you arrogant, ignorant, overpaid fuck?

7. Seriously, people — what’s with the lack of blowjobs around here?

8. We’re getting off track, now, don’t you think?

9. Is there some way to ensure that Cheney’s cellmate will be a man of inordinate girth and passion?

10. How about now? (See 5, above.)

—Dave Shulman