The Gayest Hoopla Ever!

Photo courtesy of Charles PhoenixFRIDAY, JUNE 10

No, it’s not protests about how lame TheLWordis. Gay Pride Weekend, a.k.a. the one time you can drink on the streets, kicks off with the WestHollywoodDykeMarchandRally,with music by Phranc and Melissa Ferrick. San Vicente & Santa Monica blvds., W. Hlywd.; 7:30 p.m.; free. (323) 848-6510.

If you’re proud yet also interested in the latest advancements made by the sex industry, you have some decisions to make about what to do this weekend. TheErotica L.A. Convention expects some 40,000 curiosity-seekers who know the meaning of shopping for pleasure. This here newspaper is a co-sponsor (hey, those “adult services” ads pay for our kids’ preschool!). Los Angeles Convention Center, South Halls G, H & J, 1201 S. Figueroa St., dwntwn.; Fri., June 10, 4-11 p.m.; Sat., June 11, 11 a.m.-11 p.m.; $30. (818) 734-9593. SATURDAY, JUNE 11

Do you smell something proud? West Hollywood dares you to try to park and immerse yourself in Day 1 of ChristopherStreet West Annual Pride Festival.There’s nothing like drinking beer in the hot sun and wiggling among the fabs-ab until everyone looks like a ballpark frank. Saturday’s entertainment lineup features a gallant Deborah Harry, Lucy Lawless, CeCe Peniston, Evelyn “Champagne” King, the Blare Bitch Project and MC Julie Brown (the funny one). P.S.: Disco still sucks. West Hollywood Park, 647 N. San Vicente Blvd.; Sat., June 11, noon-11 p.m.; Sun., June 12, 11 a.m.-10 p.m.; $15. (323) 969-8302 or www.lapride.org. SUNDAY, JUNE 12

If your nipples aren’t too sunburned and you still have pride to spare, you may want to enjoy the 2005LosAngelesGLBTPrideFestivalandParade,featuring Paris Hilton and her mother, Kathy, as grand marshals. PLEASE STOP ENCOURAGING PARIS HILTON TO BE PARIS HILTON! We can’t hold back our disappointment in whoever picked these pseudo-celebrities. The parade has a long history of enlisting interesting and somewhat, oh, versed-in-culture gay icons serving as parade stars. Margaret Cho and Dick Sargent, for example. I thought gays had taste! For shame, gays! However, the festival lineup has hunky punker Brian Grillo (please do “Sinnerman”!), plus Tiffany and Deborah Gibson. See Sat. for details.

MONDAY, JUNE 13

Cabaretmeets Tom Waits meets a traveling gospel show? That’s probably not even close to describing Charlie Terrell’s “Southern gothic stage play” TakingtheJesusPill.Terrell is just back from his honeymoon with his producer and dancer in the show, Polly Parsons (Gram’s kid). Word is the play may be heading to NYC, so don’t miss your chance to see it in a cramped rock club. At King King, 6555 Hollywood Blvd., Hlywd.; Mon., June 13, 7 p.m.; $10. (323) 960-9234. TUESDAY, JUNE 14

They made the world safe for hard chords on the car radio. The mayor (take your pick) has officially proclaimed today X Day in Los Angeles. The band gets a lifetime-­achievement award at this year’s L.A. Weekly Music Awards (an honor some­where between a Grammy and getting your band played on KXLU’s Demolisten).We can’t wait for Exene’s speech, which she is surely scrawling on an old Slash Records T-shirt as we speak. Also playing to about 20 people while the rest schmooze at the private party are Petra Haden’s 10-woman choir, 8-Bit, Quinto Sol, DJ Spinderella and DJ Gary Calamar, plus appearances by Flea, Piolín, Rooney, Greg Hetson and the Derby Dolls. Host J. Keith Van Straaten lends his smooth charm and clean shirts to the festivities. Henry Fonda Theater, 6126 Hollywood Blvd., Hlywd.; Tues., June 14, 8 p.m.; limited number of $15 tickets at www.laweekly.com. WEDNESDAY, JUNE 15

“For me provocation is oxygen,” singer-songwriter/filmmaker/bad boy Serge Gainsbourg once said. The last of the singer-provocateurs (no, Michael Jackson doesn’t count), Gainsbourg is the most unattractive man ever to epitomize bohemian excess. Je T’aimeMoiNonPlusis the film that grew out of the song, banned in many European countries, of the same title. It screens as part of Outfest and stars Joe Dallesandro as a gay French garbageman, Gainsbourg’s paramour Jane Birkin and a young, unknown Gerard Depardieu. American Cinematheque at the Egyptian Theater, 6712 Hollywood Blvd., Hlywd.; Wed., June 15, 7:30 p.m.; $9. (323) 466-FILM. Keep the ooh-la-lafeeling going with a post-screening tour of the Erotic Museum with curator Eric Singley (bring your ticket stub). THURSDAY, JUNE 16

You never know what wacky/horrifying/silly old images from the ’40s, ’50s and ’60s Charles Phoenix will come up with for his inspired slide shows. You might even see one of your own family. You can be sure that Mr. “Histo-tainer” Phoenix will wear something snazzy and well-coordinated at CharlesPhoenix’s Retro Slide Show of Southern California.Bring a retro picnic. May we suggest Frito pie and a Jell-O mold? Ford Amphitheater, 2580 Cahuenga Blvd. East, Hollywood; Thurs., June 16, 8:30 p.m.; grounds open at 6:30 p.m. for picnicking; $25. (323) GO-1-FORD.