Before we begin the new column — soon to be podcast! — we’d like to interject a new rule: Women who let their thongs show above their hip-huggers in public will be guilty of a serious wrongdoing — uh, make that “thongdoing” (and remember, crack kills). While we’re at it, from now on it will be legal to hit someone in a crosswalk who is talking on a cell phone.
Now that Cher’s called it quits, it’s safe for Greg Allman to hit the road. TheAllmanBrothersBandwith MartinSexton.GreekTheater,2700 N. Vermont Ave., Griffith Park; Fri., May 6, 7 p.m. (213) 480-3232. Also at SantaBarbaraBowl,1122 N. Milpas St.; Sat., May 7, 6 p.m. (213) 480-3232.
You can bet that Marc Chagall would never have made a name for himself had it not been for the encouragement of his mother, who said, “Sure, go to Paris; leave me in this freezing Russian hell-hole. Write when you get work!” So it’s fitting that “Marc Chagall — Arabian Nights” opens on Mother’s Day weekend. And damn right, it should be an entire weekend! Let the old gal go crazy for a change! At Leslie Sacks Fine Art, 11640 San Vicente Blvd., Brentwood, opens May 6, ends June 6; Mon.-Sat., 10 a.m.-6 p.m. (310) 820-9448.
SATURDAY, MAY 7
Ah — visiting a real artist’s studio. The paint-stained smocks and tubes of paint, the brushes used for the applying of paint, the canvases covered in paint. It’s just so . . . like a grownup living in a nursery school. See more than 40 varieties of artful mess at this weekend’s SantaFeArtColony16thAnnualOpenStudioWeekend.2401 S. Santa Fe Ave., dwntwn.; Sat.-Sun., May 7-8, noon-6 p.m.; free. (323) 587-5513.
You’ve seen its famous neon sign in car commercials, now enter the splendor for ANightattheOrpheum.The Producers Guild of America invites the public to a cocktail reception followed by an old-timey vaudeville show (look it up, kids) with ReneeTaylorandJoeBolognaand a screening of Harold Lloyd’s TheFreshmanaccompanied by the 1928 Wurlitzer Organ. 842 S. Broadway, dwntwn.; Sat., May 7, 7 p.m.; $40. (213) 480-3232.
SUNDAY, MAY 8
Does the theme of this event bother anyone? It’s HammerReadings’NewAmericanWriting:EroticMother’sDay.If Mom has a few too many mimosas at brunch, she might enjoy the “steamy” prose of TamiDemaree,JerryStahl,FrancesStark,HarryDidge,EddieRuscha,SandeeoMukherjeeand others, with host BenjaminWeissman.The Hammer Museum, 10899 Wilshire Blvd., Wstwd.; Sun., May 8, 5 p.m.; free; first come, first seated. (310) 443-7000.
Spend AnAfternoonWithKathyNajimyandMoCollins,who, like Cher, also performed a “farewell” last year. They probably won’t have as many costume changes, but they are promising a “VERY SPECIAL GUEST ARTIST!” (Could it be Cher? A Cher impersonator?) They play a pair of alterkockers(that’s Jewish for “golden girls”), among other characters. At the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center’s Renberg Theater, 1125 N. McCadden Place, Hlywd.; Sun., May 8, 3 p.m.; $35. (323) 860-7300.
MONDAY, MAY 9
LosAngelesPlaysItself— and demands a towel attendant, a sniffer dog in case of bomb threats, and a case of Kabbalah Energy Drink, while refusing to drink from plastic or Styrofoam. Thom Andersen’s documentary features scads of clips that go way beyond the stereotype of Tinseltown. It’s playing all week, but we’re suggesting it for Monday, because what the hell else is there? At the AmericanCinemathequeattheEgyptianTheater,6712 Hollywood Blvd., Hlywd.; Thurs.-Fri., May 5-6, 7:30 p.m. (discussion with Andersen on Fri.); Sat., May 7, 2, 5:30 & 9 p.m.; Sun., May 8, 2 & 5:30 p.m.; Mon.-Tues., May 9-10, 7:30 p.m.; $9, $7 seniors. (323) 466-FILM.
TUESDAY, MAY 10
There’s nothing like a stroll down a dusty Mexican road past steaming taco carts, ending up at a cozy bar with genuine mariachi music. Now, replace “dusty Mexican road” with “screamingly loud fake city boulevard” and “steaming taco carts” with “badly dressed tourists” and “cozy bar” with “Mc-arena” and you have MariachiSpiritofMexico.At Gibson Amphitheater (formerly Universal), Universal City; Tues.-Wed., May 10-11, 8:15 p.m. (818) 622-4440.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 11
On Wednesday, we don’t know whether to laugh or to cry — so here are two options. First there’s BuriedbytheTimes:TheHolocaustandAmerica’sMostImportantNewspaper.Author Laurel Leff explains it all at the MuseumofTolerance,Simon Wiesenthal Plaza, 9786 W. Pico Blvd.; Wed., May 11, 7 p.m.; $8. (310) 772-2452.
While Jon Lovitz takes a hiatus from his LaughFactoryresidency, TheNaughtyShowtakes over with Lisa Ann Walter and a bunch of other foul-mouthed housewives peforming comedy with tubes. At 8001 Sunset Blvd., W. Hlywd.; Wed., May 11 & 18, 8 p.m.; $15; over 18. (323) 656-1336.
THURSDAY, MAY 12
Don’t you people have jobs? If it’s the second Thursday of the month, it must be DowntownArtWalk,where people actually walk from gallery to gallery like they do in real cities. Admission is free to MOCA and the Museum of Neon Art, and other galleries stay open late (late being defined as 8 or 9 p.m., but this is L.A.). Borders 101 freeway to the north, the 110 to the west, San Pedro Street to the east and Olympic Boulevard to the south. Complete list of galleries at www.downtownartwalk.com.