By Joseph Tsidulko
By Patrick Range McDonald
By David Futch
By Hillel Aron
By Dennis Romero
By Jill Stewart
By Dennis Romero
By Dennis Romero
Charles Pickering: 5th Circuit Court of Appeals, New Orleans. A Mississippi oil baron, Pickering is the father of Charles "Chip" Pickering Jr., a four-term U.S. congressman and a House Energy Committee member who is also a partner in Dad’s energy business. Pickering lost a Senate vote in October 2003, but in January was given a recess appointment to the 5th Circuit, which hears cases from three oil-rich states.
Claude Allen: 4th Circuit Court of Appeals, Richmond, Virginia. Second in command at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services since 2001, Allen has promoted the use of federal tax dollars to fight sex education, limit reproductive rights, and promote abstinence in the schools. Until 1995, however, he was an energy-industry lawyer, working for Houston law firm Baker Botts, which keeps an office open in Riyadh. The Virginia-based Allen received the lowest passing rating from the ABA. His appointment was blocked before, but Allen was renominated in January 2004. His confirmation is pending.
Thomas B. Griffith: District of Columbia Circuit Court of Appeals. A member of the Republican National Lawyers Association and former lead counsel for the Senate during the impeachment trial of President Bill Clinton, Griffith was found to have been practicing law in Utah without a license for the last four years as general counsel for Brigham Young University. He also let his license lapse while on the job in Washington from 1998 to 2000. Griffith received the lowest possible passing grade from the ABA for judicial nominees. He was nominated on May 10; his confirmation is pending, but in peril.
William H. Pryor Jr.: 11th Circuit Court of Appeals, Atlanta. As Alabama attorney general, Pryor filed an amicus brief in Lawrence v. Texas urging the Supreme Court to uphold Texas’ law banning same-sex sodomy on the grounds that such sexual freedom would necessarily extend to "prostitution, adultery, necrophilia, bestiality, possession of child pornography, and even incest and pedophilia." He has been quoted often on Roe v. Wade, recalling with horror "the day seven members of our highest court ripped the Constitution and ripped out the life of millions of unborn children." He also opposed a Supreme Court ruling that said tying prisoners to hitching posts was cruel and unusual. Despite opposition in the Senate, President Bush recess-appointed Pryor on February 20.
William Haynes II: 4th Circuit Court of Appeals, Richmond, Virginia. As the top lawyer for the Defense Department, Haynes drew up the "enemy combatant" doctrine, which cleared the way for citizens to be held indefinitely without access to a lawyer on the president’s orders. (The U.S. Court of Appeals for the 2nd Circuit ruled in the case of Jose Padilla that the doctrine overran the president’s "constitutional authority.") Haynes’ trial experience is meager, but he did supervise a team of lawyers who argued that bombing an island in the Northern Marianas would enhance bird watchers’ pleasure because people "get more enjoyment spotting a rare bird than they do spotting a common one." His confirmation is pending.
1. The Yul Brynner: tongue and Swiss on challah
2. The Dick Cheney: pimiento loaf and American cheese on low-carb toast
3. The Jacques Derrida: garlic roast pork, coppa venezianna, sopresatta, mesclun greens, olive oil, vinegar on a bed of rapini, served open-face on a warm and yeasty rustic bâtarde
4. The Dubya: Cajun turkey, mesquite turkey, rotisserie turkey, lemon turkey, cracked-pepper turkey, honey turkey, honey maple turkey, honey molasses turkey, smoked turkey, extra mayonnaise on roasted communion wafers
5. The John F. Kerry: corned beef and oven-roasted ham on a French roll with all the fixings. Eat this and the deli closes down for good.
—Jon Alain Guzik
Count OlafPhoto by Francois Duhamel
2. Harry Potter’s Dementors. With their creepy flowy black robes, they’re like Death, only scarier and with no sense of humor. They suck the happiness right out of you. Chocolate is the only cure.
3. Avian Influenza Virus H5N1. We ran out of flu vaccine this year. We developed a phobia for chickens.
4. Alien vs. Predator. Predator has brains, but Alien has acid for blood.
5. Spyware. It’s on your computer, stealing your name, memorizing your passwords, logging your keystrokes, reading your e-mails, taking pictures of your desktop.
6. Zombies. They walk, they run, they moan, they eat the flesh of the living. And they have poor hygiene. Could one be more cursed?
8. American soldiers at Abu Ghraib. Oh wait, you said do not torture the prisoners? These joes put the "terror" in "interrogate."
9. Catholic pedophile priests. Thank heaven for little boys.
10. Obesity. The fastest-growing cause of disease and death in the U.S. today, killing 300,000 annually (to tobacco’s 430,000). Fat is a link in the chain that goes from obesity to diabetes to heart disease to death.
11. Mad cows. Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy? That was sooo 2003. Until a crazy cow tipped over in June, and then again in November.