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VICTORY In order to attain freedom and democracy, we had to achieve military victory — "mission accomplished." No doubt victory in the War on Terror is similarly inevitable.

BLITZKRIEG The Bush media eagles chose the same word to describe the invasion of Iraq that Goebbels chose to describe Germany’s 1939 methodology in Poland. Blitz is a flash, as of lightning; Krieg, or "war," derives from an Old High German word meaning stubbornness.

COALITION We couldn’t have done it without our "coalition," including, Bush emphasized repeatedly during the 2004 presidential debates, Poland. The United States has provided over 90 percent of the occupying troops and nearly all the money.

INSURGENTS An insurgent is "one who revolts against civil authority." Such authority being . . . ?

CORRUPTION At the recent Asia-Pacific Economic Forum in Santiago, Chile, Bush said the USA would be ready to help any nation that was willing to resist "corruption." At the time, his party’s majority leader, Tom DeLay, was under threat of prosecution for illegal campaign contributions, and the Republicans had disabled a regulation that would have prevented DeLay from serving if indicted.

EMPATHY It would appear that in one instance only, that of the word empathy, the current administration has held fast to the original meaning: attributing to others one’s own feelings, rather than understanding others’ situation. If you’re looking to Bushites for more fundamental definitions, though, you’ll still find that war is peace, freedom is slavery, and ignorance is strength.

 

Random Acts of Stupidity
13 Sucky Events Since November 2

1. National Guard celebrates Bush election victory by strafing a New Jersey intermediate school.

2. Donald Rumsfeld begins signing Iraq-war condolence letters with an Autopen.

3. Taco Bell TV ads use Cuban revolutionary anthem "Guantanamera."

4. White House declares war on salmon by rolling back protected habitats in California and Pacific Northwest.

5. Congressional Republicans change party rule barring indicted members from leadership roles, allowing Tom DeLay to continue as House majority leader while under criminal investigation in Texas.

6. The White House admits that the president’s plan to bankrupt America by privatizing Social Security could cost taxpayers at least $1 trillion.

7. Congress passes intelligence bill that will create an all-powerful spy czar, institute national ID cards and expand federal wiretapping activities.

8. Following an NPR exposé, the Department of Homeland Security says it will stop the use of attack dogs to harass detainees in its immigrant holding centers — but not right away.

9. Congress takes back $1 billion from the Children’s Health Insurance Program, removing 200,000 low-income children from coverage.

10. Congressman Henry Waxman reveals that American teens are told by federally funded abstinence-only sex-ed programs that, among other things, a 43-day fetus is a thinking person, that women who have had an abortion are more prone to suicide and that condoms fail to prevent HIV infection a third of the time during straight sex.

11–13. Philadelphia cops handcuff and arrest a 10-year-old girl for bringing scissors to school, while a Florida cop shoots an uncooperative 6-year-old with a 50,000-volt Taser. At LAX a 78-year-old man is Tasered while arguing with airport cops after his car has been impounded.

—Steven Mikulan

 

8 Famous People Whose Smiles Give the Willies More Than Should Be Reasonably Expected

1. Nicolas Cage. He’d be less creepy if he weren’t trying so hard to look happy/sad/angry or creepy.

2. Michael Eisner. Something about him is just so creepy.

3. Michael Ovitz. Something about him is just so creepy.

4. John Travolta. It’s not clear whether he knows who he is, and that’s creepy.

5. Jennifer Love Hewitt. Proof you can be pretty and still be creepy.

6. Catherine Zeta-Jones. Look away from the phone ads! Yikes, she’s creepy.

7. Snoop Dogg. When he sneers it’s creepy, but when he smiles it’s still creepy.

8. Paris Hilton. I’d feel sorry for her except she’s creepy.

—June Melby


Love and Hate, L.A. Style
26 Missed Connections Posted on CraigsList

• You were at McDonald’s and I working the drive through

• You blessed me on the train

• You: girl by your pool in manhattan beach. I was on the 747 that flew over

• You were that girl at Coffee Bean that one time or was it Starbucks?

• In the mosh pit at the POND

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