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8 Hollywood Techniques for Breaking Up With the One You No Longer Love

By Flint Wainess and Anna Jane Grossman

1. The Hugh Grant. If you’re dating someone truly fabulous, like Elizabeth Hurley, but still want to end the relationship, you’re going to have to do something really dramatic. Sleeping with a hooker can be ideal. Of course, this must be planned carefully, since you not only must find and court a hooker, but you must also get caught in the act. And if you’re not a successful film and television actor, your employer may frown on such behavior, or may ask for the hooker’s number.

2. The Anne Heche. The most difficult part of a breakup can be trying to remain friends. If that’s what you’re after, sample The Anne Heche. It’s simple: Tell your lover, "You’re great, but I’m not attracted to your gender anymore." They can’t help but tell you it’s okay if you’re gay, or straight, or whatever, and remain friends through this confusing process. The Anne Heche, Version 2: "It’s not you, it’s . . . these crazy voices in my head."

3. The Billy Crudup. Step one: Get married. Step two: Knock her up. Step three: Fall in love with co-star of latest poorly thought-out indie pic. Step four: Wait until wife is about to go into labor. Step five: Run, run, run! Amazingly, the baby might be named after you anyway.

4. The Mrs. Jerry Seinfeld. In the entertainment industry, you can never be too skinny or too rich. So, if you feel that your current spouse or lover doesn’t have a big-enough bank account, all you need to do is tell them you are leaving them for someone richer. They’ll understand, since they would do the same to you. If you live near the creator of Desperate Housewives, look out. He’s coming for your woman.

5. The Michael Eisner. Men break up too, dammit, and when they do, there’s no better way to say "Goodbye, don’t ever call again" than butt-loads of cash. Sure, your ex will still feel the sting of the breakup, and will later accuse you and the "gay mafia" of ruining his chances at future relationships. But then he’ll remember the money, the beautiful, beautiful money (mmmm money), and he’ll get over you.

6. The Kirsten Dunst. You want out of your relationship, but your boyfriend is, like, totally dreamy and smart and the star of such films as Donnie Darko and The Day After Tomorrow (and the inevitable sequel, Two Days After Tomorrow). So unless you have a good reason for breaking it off, people might begin to question whether you’re sleeping with Tobey Maguire. Fortunately, you’ve found that good reason. It’s called excessive drinking and dancing like a moronic teenager. Party the night away, every night, on Hollywood Boulevard, and then tell the world that Mr. Likes To Stay Home and Read can’t keep up with your booty-shaking.

7. The Britney Spilton. So you’re incredibly wealthy white trash, and you need to shake off that annoying boyfriend/backup dancer. Oh, do we have an unconventional breakup method for you: Marry the loser! Ideally, this should happen in Las Vegas, and you should wear a trucker hat during the ceremony. After a night of raucous, unsafe sex — What the hey! You’re married! — announce that you must get an annulment because your people don’t approve of you marrying while sloshed. "It’s not you, it’s . . . my publicist." After the annulment, you’ll never see that deadbeat again.

8. The Phil Spector. Not recommended.

Exile From Bushville: 8 Spots To Spend the Next Four Years

1. Canada. Gay marriage, no language difficulties (certain voo-wels excepted), universal health care and the first union-approved Wal-Mart on the planet. Go to singles Web site www.marryanamerican.ca/ and get hitched to a progressive Canuck today.

2. Mexico. Barring the repeal of NAFTA or catastrophic climate change on the scale of The Day After Tomorrow, our southern neighbor’s border remains open, so long as you make $1,500 a month or can invest $160,000 in the local economy. You still can’t own beachfront property in your own name, but hey, Yanqui, there are always ways around that.

3. Belize. Call it the Costa Rica of the ’00s. Under a recently introduced gringo residency program, you can live out the rest of your days in this tax haven without a hitch, just so long as you generate $24,000 a year in outside income and don’t mind sharing the beach with the IRS’s Most Wanted.

4. Australia. The Land Down Under ranked second on the U.N.’s 2001 Human Development index, offers universal health care and allows citizenship after only two years of residency. So what if it just re-elected ultraconservative PM John Howard? Go ahead and throw another American passport on the barbie.

5. Bhutan. Southeast Asia’s answer to Santa Monica, this Buddhist kingdom guides its policy by a Gross National Happiness index, bans cigarettes and most logging, allows only 6,000 tourists a year, designates archery its national sport, and requires all its male citizens to wear bathrobes. The only downside is the $200-a-day accommodations package.