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Stick Men

Actual comments from the NHL broadcasting booth, proving, once again, that hockey is the most macho of sports

"Cheechoo had both hands on his stick and was just jamming."

"Mike Ricci was surprised and couldn’t get his stick on the ice."

"When he gets that puck on his stick, he’s thinking of putting it just one place."

"The shaft of Kiprusoff’s stick was wedged between his legs."

"Jason Marshall got his stick in before he fell down and
blocked it."

"Domi poked Marcus Ragnarrson with his stick."

"Primeau went into the middle of the ice with his stick down."

"Loose puck picked up as it went off Stillman’s stick."

"Mike Rathje caught him with his stick as he was going by him."

"Willie Niemenen with some tremendous stick work!"

—Richard Bellikoff

9 Reasons To Bring Back Charm School for Celebrities
By Margy Rochlin

"What can I say? I’m Curious George . . ."

—Judd Nelson, after I discovered that he’d dumped out my purse while I’d gone to retrieve fresh batteries and was examining the contents

"No, I haven’t read the article yet. But friends of mine have."

—Julie Kavner, at the end of two screechy, expletive-laced telephone calls from her complaining about a flattering magazine profile I’d written about her

An extended middle finger.

—Shannen Doherty, informing me how she will signal to me that I can talk to her . . . after keeping me waiting two days for an interview on the set of Satan’s School for Girls in Montreal, Canada

"Ah nevah discuss such unpleasantness!"

—a hissing Dixie Carter, when asked to elaborate on her repeated references to "the unpleasantness" surrounding her Designing Women co-star Delta Burke

"Ah ink ‘Ort Uts’ and ‘Anya On Orty Econ Eet’ ave e ar istic edibility."

—Julianne Moore, answering a question while flossing her teeth

"It never OCCURRED TO ME FOR A SECOND. I mean, how TRIVIAL, how FACILE. That one is only for the most facile mind. What would a drag queen tell me about GARLAND? How’s that going to help me as an ACTRESS? No. No. The answer is NO."

—an irritated Judy Davis, when asked if she’d watched Garland -impersonators as part of her research for the TV movie Life With Judy Garland: Me And My Shadows

"I have to go now. I have a really bad case of the flu."

—Scarlett Johanssen, after speaking to me for 15 minutes while — inexplicably — holding my hands in her hands

"That’s a real smart-alecky magazine you work for . . . That’s a -stupid question."

—Lyle Lovett, when he wasn’t furiously scowling or not answering questions altogether

"Yes, that is a rifle."

—Val Kilmer

9 Tips For Surviving The Holidays At Your Republican Parents’ Home

By Kerry Madden

1. When you arrive and the first thing you see is a beaming portrait of Laura and W on their fridge next to a schedule of Masses at the Mission, look away, smile brightly and remember the deep breathing you learned in yoga. When no one is looking, cover with the kids’ new school pictures.

2. When your mother tells you the thing she really admires and finds so clever about Bill O’Reilly is that you can’t tell what he is — a Democrat, a Republican, a Liberal — keep the chopping knife steady, focus on the onions and garlic or the gentle rolling of pie dough. Do not make eye contact.

3. When your father screams, "Just because Osama bin Laden rides a camel doesn’t mean I have to . . . ," jot down notes for new play Republican Father.

4. When you notice parents’ library consists of Who Moved My Cheese?; How To Talk to a Liberal; Deliver Us From Evil: Defeating Terrorism, Despotism, and Liberalism; and every one of O’Reilly’s books, do not engage in a lively discussion of literature. Go to box wine; drink liberally.

5. When your father says, "All Muslims hate us" and "Strike them before they strike us" or "It’s the insurgents killing the Iraqi people, not the American soldiers!" or "You swinging Liberals, it’s all the same with you! You live in a vacuum!," remember when he didn’t used to be this way, when all he cared about was being a football coach and kicking Notre Dame’s Irish ass. Smile brightly (again) and top yourself up at the wine box.

6. When buzzwords like "vouchers," "accountability" and "all that wasted, dead talent from aborted babies" zing through the air, go check your e-mail. Or fantasize about Benicio Del Toro and wonder what he is doing for the holidays.

7. If your mother asks you to take both Labradors to church for a "blessing of the animals" by Father Malloy, say yes. Don’t forget movie listings.

8. When the talk turns to politics during dinner, say, "How about that Boston Babe Ruth curse lifting?" or "Anyone see Ray yet?" If that fails, turn up Frank Sinatra CD. Loud.

9. When the talk turns to politics over dessert, do not threaten to leave early if it doesn’t stop. Don’t have a breakdown and scream, "WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?!!" Just don’t. After all, it’s the holidays.