"Because I’m part German," he responds.
Hart finally finishes his masterpiece, but not before the sun’s gone down. Hart’s patron seems genuinely pleased and even offers an extra 25 bucks.
—Dan Kapelovitz
All I Want for Christmas . . .
I love David Sefton, UCLA Live’s executive director. He’s married and straight, but he’s queenier than I am. When he sees my sparkly holiday outfit, designed especially for me by British bad boy Alexander McQueen, backstage at "A John Waters Christmas," he lets out such a shriek that my fellow performers Phranc, the hot folk-singing cardboard cobbler (who’ll be bringing back her Gertrude Stein musical tribute Phranc-n-Stein soon), and Latina lesbiana comic Marga Gomez are forced to cover their ears.
I’m the last-minute replacement for the San Francisco–based performance artist Extreme Elvis, whose GG Allin–like antics of throwing his feces into the audience was deemed a tad much for Westwood. Remember, Divine only took a dainty bite of excrement in Pink Flamingos — she didn’t fling it.
At the pre-performance meet-and-greet, Mr. Sefton, who used to be the director of London’s Royal Festival Hall, is acting all getting-Gertie’s-garter meeting Waters’ alumni: the lanky Matthew Lillard (Serial Mom), hustlerish Brendan Sexton III (Pecker), the majorly gorgeous Adrian Grenier (Cecil B. Demented and TV’s Entourage), and a radiant Ricki Lake, wearing no makeup and her hunky new Rican beau Apollo as a fashion accessory. Looking youthful and stylish as ever is the great Mink Stole with date, the gifted actor Dennis Christopher (Chariots of Fire).
The charming Mr. Waters, wearing a red crushed-velvet smoking jacket with striped green dandy pants, looks like a patrician elf-chihuahua. John loves Christmas, and admonishes students to perform fellatio on their teachers and provide anilingus to librarians as a Christmas present. He also says that books make the best gifts, and cautions that if you’re dating someone who doesn’t read books, you should end the relationship. His favorite tome of the moment is Call Me Lumpy, by a minor cast member of the old ’50s sitcom Leave It to Beaver. What’s on his Christmas wish list? The end of capital punishment; a gift basket of cigarettes, poppers and porn; a single leaf of arugula; and a three-pack of tighty whitey deconstructed underwear with skid marks designed by Comme des Garçons’ Rei Kawakubo.
After the talk, Mr. Waters graciously mingles with fans, signing the arm of local filmmaker Augusta (The Velvet Hammer Burlesque). Being the troll that I am, I can’t help but pinch the buttocks of a group of voluptuous male coeds waiting to pay homage to Baltimore’s leading native. I was momentarily distracted by the young and buff actor Ryan Reynolds, from the new movie Blade: Trinity. Unfortunately, Ryan’s beard, I mean fiancée, Alanis Morissette, was cock blocking me at every turn.
Maybe next Christmas.
—Vaginal Davis
Merry Xmas!
With love from the city of L.A.
While Councilman Eric Garcetti was preparing to wave to the crowds along the Hollywood Christmas Parade route, a team of 48 officers from the Los Angeles Parking Enforcement Bureau were spreading cheer to 600 of his constituents in a neighborhood where the median annual income is less than $25,000. No doubt the vast majority of those ticketed and towed simply failed to notice — on a Sunday — the temporary no-parking signs (which, according to the city, were posted on the 24th). The citation fee is $60; the amount required to get your car out of impound within 24 hours, $168.50. All in all, it was a good day’s work for the Parking Enforcement Bureau, the city of L.A. and the private towing firm Hollywood Tow. Which begs two questions: Could the city do a better job of warning residents about the temporary no-parking? And if they could, would they want to? A Garcetti spokesman said the office was looking into possible mistakes made, and also whether fewer streets could be cleared in the future.
Number of cars impounded: 570
Number of citations issued:600
Cost to each individual cited and towed: $228.50
Total generated: $132,045
Amount to city of Los Angeles: $60, 225
Amount to Hollywood Tow: $71,820
—Christine Pelisek
