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Finishing Off Bush 

His sentences, that is . . .

Thursday, Sep 9 2004
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IF YOU CAUGHT President Bush’s acceptance speech, you noticed the long pauses and the painstakingly slow delivery. At times, during these pauses, it seemed as if the president’s lips were moving, even though the audience could not make out the words. As a public service, our experts labored long to reconstruct much of W’s unexpurgated talking and stalking points.

We have seen a shaken economy rise to its feet . . .

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Of course, it isn’t the U.S. economy, but my man, Karl Rove, said one was mentioned in those newspapers I never read.

I am fortunate to have a superb vice president. I have counted on Dick Cheney’s calm and steady judgment in difficult days, and I’m honored to have him at my side . . .

Just keep that lesbian daughter off the stage tonight, or you’ll be off the ticket faster than you can say "Giuliani."

I’m blessed with a sister and brothers who are my closest friends . . .

But, Jeb, you’d better stay in Florida, so folks aren’t reminded about that 2000 election thing. Thank the Lord for hurricanes.

Two months from today, voters will make a choice based on the records we have built, the convictions we hold and the vision that guides us forward . . .

So I hope you’ll ignore all those things and vote for me anyways.

Soon every senior will be able to get prescription-drug coverage, and nothing will hold us back . . .

As long as Grandma can figure out the area code for Toronto.

The story of America is the story of expanding liberty: an ever-widening circle . . . In our world, and here at home, we will extend the frontiers of freedom . . .

Unless you are a homosexual or you live in a dictatorship that likes me.

The workers of our parents’ generation typically had one job, one skill, one career . . .

My policies give you variety. No jobs at all for some. And two or three jobs for others who are trying to make ends meet.

In a new term, I will lead a bipartisan effort to reform and simplify the federal tax code . . .

"Bipartisan" means my fellow Republicans and Zell Miller.

As I’ve traveled the country, I’ve met many workers and small-business owners who have told me they are worried they cannot afford health care . . .

I wish them all the best of health.

With the huge baby-boom generation approaching retirement, many of our children and grandchildren understandably worry whether Social Security will be there when they need it . . .

Probably it won’t be.

To be fair, there are some things my opponent is for. He’s proposed more than $2 trillion in federal spending so far, and that’s a lot, even for a senator from Massachusetts . . .

I prefer to give the money to the rich.

Because a caring society will value its weakest members, we must make a place for the unborn child . . .

I know that sentence makes no sense, but that’s my subtle cue to you pro-life folks. Read my lips: No new prophylactics.

I will continue to appoint federal judges who know the difference between personal opinion and the strict interpretation of the law . . .

And I will choose the ones who favor personal opinion, as long as they favor my personal opinion.

Four years ago . . . Libya was secretly pursuing nuclear weapons . . .

On this one, I don’t get the cheap shots on how I pronounce things. I pronounce nucular just like it’s spelled.

We knew Saddam Hussein’s record of aggression and support for terror. We knew his long history of pursuing, even using, weapons of mass destruction . . .

After all, he might never have had these weapons if not for the support of President Reagan and his defense secretary, Dick Cheney.

Tonight I want to speak to all of [the troops] and to their families: You are involved in a struggle of historic proportion . . .

And I don’t just mean getting me re-elected.

I deeply appreciate the courage and wise counsel of leaders like Prime Minister Howard, President Kwasniewski, Prime Minister Berlusconi and, of course, Prime Minister Tony Blair . . .

Oh Lordy, I’m glad they remembered to hook up the Teleprompter.

I have returned the salute of wounded soldiers . . .

As soon as I learned how to do it.

I’ve met with parents and wives and husbands who have received a folded flag and said a final goodbye to a soldier they loved. I am awed that so many have used those meetings to say that I’m in their prayers and to offer encouragement to me . . .

Especially ’cause sometimes I’m not really sure why we started that war anyway, and because we let things get out of hand.

To everything we know there is a season, a time for sadness, a time for struggle, a time for rebuilding. And now we have reached a time for hope . . .

I can use those soft commie lyrics just as well as the Democrats.

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