Loading...

Strange Love 

What happens when Hollywood stops worrying and embraces the GOP

Thursday, Sep 2 2004
Comments

THE PLAYER AGENCY Griffin Mill’s opening remarks at Wednesday’s Motion Picture Meeting:

We don’t normally start these sessions with a discussion about civilian news. But I’m sure you’ll agree that a change in direction this exciting deserves a few minutes of everyone’s time. I’m pleased to announce that, starting today, this agency is going to break with Hollywood tradition and start boosting George W. Bush’s presidential campaign.

We do not make this decision lightly. But this week, five national polls came out that show Kerry slipping and Bush in the lead. And my wife, who’s in the same Kabbalah class as Mel Karmazin, tells me Don Imus just switched from being an early Kerry supporter to officially “undecided.” So we’re taking this one step further. We’re going to do for Dubya what Warner Bros. is doing for George Clooney: shove him down the public’s throat even if anyone with half a brain can’t stand him.

Related Stories

  • Fighting for the Right to Lose to Gov. Brown 50

    Like most people, Bill Bloomfield does not think Neel Kashkari will be the next governor of California. Jerry Brown, he says, is "clearly going to be re-elected." Nevertheless, Bloomfield has decided to dip into his family's wealth — he made a pile on coin-op laundry machines — to pay for...
  • Jeb <3 Mexicans

    Why would the leader of L.A.'s true-blue Federation of Labor invite a member of the uber-Republican Bush family to town? To talk about immigration, of course. L'est you forget, George W. Bush was generally seen as being pro-immigrant (as well as a friend of then-Mexican President Vicente Fox), despite launching...
  • Stop the Anti-Immigration Hysteria: Murrieta's Obama Haters Need a Fact Check 61

    We're pleading here for straight talk on both sides of the illegal immigration debate, so we'll start this party with some brutal honesty: Illegal immigration isn't necessarily good for Latino Americans, and many of us don't always welcome it. Why would we ask for the clock on our U.S. assimilation...
  • Sandler and Barrymore Hurt Us in Blended

    A romance ripped from the pages of Deuteronomy, Frank Coraci's Blended posits that the best reason for a woman with sons and a man with daughters to get married is that they can take care of each other's kids. Quel pragmatisme! In the world of this sitcom love story, men...
  • How to Vote 8

    You know the incumbents. So our June 3 voter guide is about the other stuff - like a comedic race for judge featuring candidates so bad the bar association finds both "Not Qualified." One is Charles Calderon, who L.A. Weekly previously reported as one of the worst legislators in California. There's...

This may appear like rats deserting a sinking ship, but try to think of it as market-savvy positioning. As Arnie, Bruce and Tom (Selleck, that is) know, this isn’t about being Democrat or Republican, this is about survival. Besides, as an ex–studio mogul myself, I know this is how Hollywood has worked since the days of Goldwyn, Warner, Cohn and Mayer: There’s a long tradition here of kissing the asses of winners and shitting on losers. After all, when Dolgen was in power at Viacom, weren’t we his biggest fans? And when he got the boot, it became Dolgen Who? and Don’t let the door hit you on the way out. And that’s how it should be. As Hyman Roth said in Godfather II, “This is the business we’ve chosen.” And who here doesn’t believe, like I do, that our mentor Michael Corleone voted Republican?

Remember back when we put a million-dollar bounty on the head of Julia Roberts? So I’m ready to pony up $5 mil for each capture of a bona fide Hollywood Republican. Okay, it’s not anywhere near the $25 mil being offered for bin Laden — and still they can’t find a 6-foot-6 Saudi who walks with a cane — but the good news is that Hollywood actors are dwarfish. That makes them easier to wrestle to the ground. For instance, I don’t want Stephen Baldwin leaving the GOP convention without his signature on one of our contracts because we can get him better than Celebrity Mole 1 and 2. Though I gotta admit, I couldn’t remember which Baldwin he was: the pot-bellied one, the sleepy-eyed one, the drugged-out one, the dumb-and-dumber one. My assistant reminded me that he’s all four!

I’m pleased to announce I’ve got the ball rolling already. We’ve just signed Ron Silver for representation in all areas. His speech at the Republican convention on Monday was pure genius. Of course, I didn’t hear it, but I got the coverage. My reader boiled it down to this quote: “I find it ironic that many human rights advocates and outspoken members of my own entertainment community are often on the frontlines to protest repression, for which I applaud them, but they are usually the first ones to oppose any use of force to take care of these horrors that they catalog repeatedly.” I’m not sure what this means, but I think it’s Hollywood-speak for, How come the only part I could get recently was as a pornographer in a Fox series that Rupert’s boobs cancelled after three episodes? We’ve got to do better by Ron. If Mel Gibson makes that movie about the Maccabees, I see Ron as King of the Jews.

I also saw Bo Derek before the Republican convention. I hear she’s worried about an interview she gave to Alan Murray on CNBC’s Capital Report supporting marriage only for a man and a woman. Let’s immediately start to find Bo a new hair and makeup artist, preferably someone from Salt Lake City, or someone Amish. Ask the tools at UPN.

Angie Harmon was also hanging around. Does anybody know what’s she been up to since Law and Order? See, that’s what I’m talking about. We could have put her up for The Hours. Nicole isn’t the only pretty face who can wear a fake nose and win an Oscar.

My spies tell me that Lara Flynn Boyle is the new Gwyneth of the GOP and, unfortunately for us, just as poisonous at the box office. And congrats to the TV talent department for getting still another Republican actress, Shannen Doherty, back to earning commissions for us. She’s going to be a wonderful addition to the Las Vegas cast. Or is it Hawaii? Not that one either? It’s North Shore? Is that even a show? Oh, it’s on Fox, no wonder. Let’s see if we can get Republican Rick Schroder some quick cameo work as his character’s evil twin on NYPD Blue. Bochco would love to kill him all over again.

It’s our belief that our new “right is right” attitude will prove effective in luring other clients who’ve previously been in the closet about their conservative politics. Did any of you read that recent article in Details magazine about the Republican Party’s “bubblegum star power” in Hollywood? No one? Of course, we must look upon the piece with skepticism since legal tells us that the author, Ruth Shalit, was busted for cribbing when she wrote for The New Republic. How perfect that she’s writing about the biz now.

According to the article, the GOP is claiming Freddie Prinze Jr., Jessica Simpson, Nick Lachey and Mandy Moore. No high-fiving just yet. Because Mandy’s publicist went postal and told Shalit, “Mandy is not, nor has she ever been, a Republican.” The wording of that statement sounds really familiar, like dialogue from that old Sydney Pollack/Bob Redford flick, The Way We Were. I smell remake, with Mandy as Babs, fighting the 9/11 Commission which wants to blame W. for everything, and Adam Sandler as Redford. You haven’t heard that the article claims Sandler and his entire production company are rednecks, I mean, Republicans? Who better to support a born-again Christian president than an actor who got famous for singing “The Chanukah Song”?

Not that this new strategy is not going to have setbacks. We told the Bushies to ask Britney Spears to the convention after she said this to CNN’s Tucker Carlson about the war in Iraq: “Honestly I think we should just trust our president in every decision he makes and should just support that, you know, and be faithful in what happens.” But the damn religious right — I meant to say our friends from Bible study class, which from now on will be mandatory — didn’t want no slutty-dressing, Madonna-kissing whore parading around with them. Too bad, I wanted to go after the Bush twins next.

E-mail at deadlinehollywood@gmail.com.

Related Content

Now Trending

Los Angeles Concert Tickets

Slideshows

  • 21st Annual Classic Cars "Cruise Night" in Glendale
    On Saturday, spectators of all ages were out in multitudes on a beautiful summer night in Glendale to celebrate the 21st annual Cruise Night. Brand Boulevard, one of the main streets through downtown Glendale, was closed to traffic and lined with over 250 classic, pre-1979 cars. There was plenty of food to be had and many of the businesses on Brand stayed open late for the festivities The evening ended with fireworks and a 50th anniversary concert from The Kingsmen, who performed their ultimate party hit, "Louie, Louie." All photos by Jared Cowan.
  • The World Cup Celebrated And Mourned By Angelenos
    The World Cup has taken Los Angeles by storm. With viewings beginning at 9 a.m., soccer fans have congregated at some of the best bars in the city including The Village Idiot, Goal, The Parlour on Melrose, Big Wang's and more. Whether they're cheering for their native country, favorite players or mourning the USA's loss, Angelenos have paid close attention to the Cup, showing that soccer is becoming more than a fad. All photos by Daniel Kohn.
  • La Brea Tar Pits "Pit 91" Re-Opening
    Starting June 28th, The Page Museum once again proudly unveils the museum's Observation Pit, which originally opened in 1952 but has spent most of the last half century closed. Now visitors can get an up-close look at Pit 91, which is currently under excavation. The La Brea Tar Pits, home of the Page Museum, is one of the world's most famous ice age fossil locations, known for range of fossils from saber-toothed cats and mammoths to microscopic plants, seeds and insects. The new "Excavator Tour" is free with museum admission if purchased online at tarpits.org . All photos by Nanette Gonzales.