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Arnold Decoded 

Thursday, Sep 2 2004
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During a recent California visit, President Bush joked that he and Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger have much in common, including mangling the English language. So here are some decoded excerpts of the governor’s convention speech, which helps explain what makes him the true Bush Republican that he claims to be.

THE GOVERNATOR HIMSELF: My fellow Americans, this is an amazing moment for me.

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ARNOLD DECODED: Like the president, I, too, did the drugs-and-sex thing at an age when most people have already had to become responsible adults. And it didn’t hurt me a bit.

I can tell you that there is no place, no country, more compassionate, more generous, more accepting and more welcoming than the United States of America.

Where else could I throw out Gray Davis for borrowing money to balance the budget, then turn around and borrow more money to balance the budget than he did? Where else could I attack Davis for being a pawn of special interests and then raise money from special interests faster than he did?

As long as I live, I will never forget that day 21 years ago when I raised my hand and took the oath of citizenship.

But I’ve completely forgotten any and all occasions when my hands were naughty in the vicinity of women. I’ve also forgotten my promise to investigate myself about those things.

I believe that this country is in good hands.

Speaking again of hands . . . never mind.

Listening to Nixon speak sounded more like a breath of fresh air.

And it’s not as though we’ll have fresh air in California if W’s environmental policies get four more years.

To my fellow immigrants listening tonight, I want you to know how welcome you are in this party.

True, I won’t let immigrants have driver’s licenses, but I insist on their right to hire chauffeurs.

One thing I learned about America is that if you work hard and play by the rules, this country is truly open to you.

On the other hand, borrowing money to balance the state budget is the best way I’ve found to fake success since the day I discovered steroids.

I want other people to get the same chances I did, the same opportunities. And I believe they can.

If you want your drugs cheap, forget Canada — just buy them on the street like George and I used to.

I believe in this party and that’s why I believe in this president.

I’m a Republican because that seemed the fastest way to political power.

And maybe, just maybe, you don’t agree with this party on every single issue. I say to you tonight I believe that’s not only okay, that’s what’s great about this country.

Look at this! What a crowd of extremist loonies! Some of you Republicans at this convention would make better Nazis than my dad.

If you believe that a person should be treated as an individual, not as a member of an interest group . . . then you are a Republican!

Any special interest that gives money to me — be it a drug company, an HMO or gambling interests — isn’t really a special interest because I say so. I think of them instead as family. So a big thank you to my family members at Amgen, Pfizer and SBC, who helped pay for my trip to New York City. I’ll deal with the legislation that relates to your companies as soon as I get back home.

That’s what I admire most about the president. He’s a man of perseverance.

He stubbornly clings to cutting taxes as the solution to all problems, no matter how large the deficit grows.

The president didn’t go into Iraq because the polls told him it was popular.

He went in because of weapons of mass destruction . . . Er, make that ties to al Qaeda . . . Er, the oil? This weird dad/son thing?

We’re the America that gives more than any other country to fight AIDS in Africa and the developing world.

. . . unless, of course, the Africans dare to practice birth control, support reproductive rights or refuse to pay exorbitant prices to drug companies.

And we are the America that fights, not for imperialism, but for human rights and democracy.

But only in Iraq, and only when all other explanations have failed.

And when Nelson Mandela smiled in election victory after all those years in prison, America celebrated, too.

Even though the Reagan administration opposed sanctions against the apartheid government of South Africa that kept Mandela in jail.

Our president, George W. Bush, has worked hard to protect and preserve the American dream for all of us. And that’s why I say send him back to Washington for four more years!

And if he doesn’t back me as the next Republican president, he, too, can be totally recalled.

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